Revis Saves the Kingdom…. From Matticus

Matticus couldn’t believe his luck. There were signs up all around the castle saying that there were free tacos. And it wasn’t even Tuesday!!!

He had just passed his fifth sign with an arrow pointing him in the direction of the free tacos. The further along he went, the more he started getting a bad feeling about this. Something about it didn’t feel right. The next sign was pointing him towards the dungeon. Something was definitely not right here.

But, he wasn’t about to give up. Not when there could be free tacos at stake.

Right after the last sign, the tacos came into view. He rushed forward to grab them. That’s when he noticed that he’d just ran into a cell. The door slammed shut behind him. His hand reached out for the tacos and, as soon as he touched them, he knew he’d been tricked. He turned around to a faceful of bars and his First Knight, Revis, standing on the outside of the cell.

“Those tacos aren’t real,” Matticus protested. “They’re papier-mache!”

“That’s the part you’re mad at?” Revis answered. “Not the part where I locked you in a cell?”

“You don’t tease someone with tacos! That’s not right!”

“If you want to get technical, those signs were entirely accurate. No matter what they’re made of, they’re still tacos, and they’re yours to keep. So, I didn’t lie to you.”

“I suppose that’s true. Ok, fine you win. You tricked me into a cell. Ha ha. You’ve had your fun, now let me out.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ve done the people of the Kingdom wrong, and as the First Knight, it is my duty to protect the people of the Kingdom from everyone who would do them harm. Even you.”

“What are you talking about? What have I done to the people of the Kingdom?”

“You put in an automated system to handle the Kingdom’s information hotline instead of having real, live people handle the calls.”

Matticus laughed. “Would you expect anything less from the Jester?!”

“How can you defend this action? It is a horrible, vile thing that puts you on par with some of the world’s most evil villains. I may not be the best person out there, but I would never inflict an automated phone system on anyone. You should be ashamed of yourself…”

“Simple answer: I am an evil person.”

“And this is why I must overthrow you. To save the Kingdom from your evil tyranny.”

“Good luck.”

“What do you mean, ‘Good luck’? I’ve already captured you. You’re already in jail.”

“That is…. a fair point. So, now what?”

“Now, Jester, you are to be punished in a manner that will make evildoers think twice before they commit any misdeeds in the Kingdom again.”

“You don’t mean…”

“Yes. You will be forced to watch the kindergarteners of the Kingdom sing the song ‘Baby Shark’ 55,378,008 times in a row.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“After that, you will be released and, if you commit another crime, you will be forced to watch the animated version of Dragons of Autumn Twilight for two straight weeks.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Attention Kingdomites!

Wait….

Is Kingdomites a word? Kingdom people? People of the Kingdom? All of you wonderful people reading this here post?

Anyway, however you prefer to be addressed, it has come to my attention that I, Revis Edgewater (First Knight of the Matticus Kingdom) have yet to shamelessly promote the new short story that I have published on Amazon called Blackmoon Conquest.

Blackmoon Conquest

It is the sequel to Blackmoon WarMage, which was written about in the Kingdom before.

If you like sword and sorcery fiction, I hope you’ll check it out. Thank you for your time, oh wonderful people of the Kingdom.

Blackmoon WarMage

Have you read Blackmoon WarMage yet?  Do it!!  Do it now!!!  That’s an official Kingdom directive.  When the First Knight of the Matticus Kingdom publishes a story, I insist that all layal kingdomites go forth, purchase, and read that book.  Furthermore, I require that reviews be left afterwards as feedback for both the author himself and for potential future readers.  So… stop reading this silliness and go read Revis’ book!!

Blackmoon WarMage (Declevon Blackmoon Book 1) by [Hansen, Michael]

VS. Worst Film Adaptation of a Book

Greetings, fellow travelers of the Kingdom. It is I, Revis Edgewater, First Knight of this land and Master of the Versus arena. During the last few bouts in the arena, I’ve asked for your help. I’m here today to do the same.

Normally, when we do these, we put fictional characters up against each other. That’s not what we’re doing today. Instead, we’re putting movies up against each other. Specifically, we’re putting movies based on books/novels against each other.

We want to know which is the worst.

Here’s where we need your help. We need you to comment on what you think the worst movie based on a novel (written word, not graphic) is and give us at least a sentence or two on why you think your choice is the correct choice. The reasons behind your choice can be anything from the movie straying too far from the source material to it just being a bad movie. The choice is yours.

One week from tonight, I will collect all of the entries and create a poll, letting your fellow readers vote on who they agree with.

So, put in your entries, everyone, and let the games begin!

I’m starting to get bruises

You know what happens when the world famous Zombie Killing Rogue Ninja (and First Knight of the Matticus Kingdom) tags you?

You get bruises.

Big ones.

Revis doesn’t have an “easy” setting.  He doesn’t know how to politely tap you on the shoulder and say, “Pardon me, good sir, but I do believe you are now ‘it.'”  No, no, no.  With him it’s all stealth mode, surprise attack, sword brandishing, mayhem bringing, full on ferociousness, without so much as a “How do you do.”

I was helpless to withstand that kind of onslaught…

So, I find myself “it” again…  (Oh, the horror, the horror!)

“And… here… we… go…:”

THE RULES
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. 
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post. 
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/Twitter and let them know they’ve been tagged.

……….

1. Done, done, and done.

2. Photo?  No.  Facts?  Ugh, okay…
a. My lucky number is 13.
b. I have a Manchester United jersey that has my name and #13 on it.
c. I look forward to Friday’s that happen to fall on the 13th day of the month.
d. I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen the first of the Friday the 13th series of movies.
e. I got married on the … 18th day of the month.  (You thought I was going to say 13th, didn’t you?  Silly, silly.)
f. The little prince was born on the ….25th day of the month.  (Fooled you again!  Neener, neener, neener.)
g. I don’t have any other #13 stories, sorry.
h. I’ve climbed Mount Whitney 2 times.
i. I have a 35 mile (one way) commute to work.
j. I know why all the other numbers are afraid of #7.  (It’s because 7 ate 9.)
k. I like to stick with themes when answering things like this.  Had you noticed?

3. Questions from Revis and my answers.

  • What movie quote do you use the most?  Seriously?  Of all the movie quotes I use you want to know which one I use the most?  You are really asking me to go through them all and choose one?  I ….  I don’t think I can do that.  But, I’ll do this for you instead:  When camping or backpacking I use, “That’s not a knife,” from Crocodile Dundee the most.  When talking to my brother I use “It’s possible, pig,” from Princess Bride the most.  When trying to make sense of this world I use, “Deserves got nothing to do with it,” from Unforgiven the most.  When just being my silly Jester self I use, “May the Schwartz be with you,” from Spaceballs the most.  When I don’t know the answer to a question I use, “Who knows such things, only the Oracle,” from the Matrix the most.  When heading off on an adventure I use, “Now bring me that horizon,” from Pirates of the Caribbean the most.  I’m going to stop there… but, you get the idea anyway.  Plus, frequent visitors to the kingdom should already be familiar with my Friday Q and A movie quoting madness…
  • Will you go visit MissFourEyes and ask her about her bowel movements for me?  Done.  http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/about/  But I have no idea why.
  • Did you actually read all of my answers up there?  Um…. no.
  • Did you actually learn anything about me from them?  Yes.
  • What should I know about you that you don’t think I already know? I forgot to mention in my list of geekiness that I won a science award and competed in math tournaments in junior high…
  • If you could pick a theme song for your blog, what would it be?  Depending on the day, I’d probably want to switch between Solar Stone – Seven Cities, Crystal Method – Name of the Game, Bruce Springsteen – Blood Brothers, and Foo Fighters – Home.
  • Did you like the picture of me that I put up?  Not really.
  • What’s worse: someone loudly telling you that they farted in public, or them not telling you and the smell blindsides you?  Being blindsided is always worse.
  • Can you start giving me money so I can quit my job and blog full-time?  No.
  • I know I asked this in one of my RTotD posts, but I really want to know: Why are Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands considered international even though they’re part of the U.S.?  If we knew the answer to that question they’d have to lock us up.
  • You’re walking with a friend at a local store. Your friend starts to scratch their crotch in a very obvious manner. How do you react?  Ask, “Hey, you need a hand with that, or do you have it under control?

4. Questions for the people I’m going to gentle tap on the shoulder… I’m too beat up to do more than that anyway:

1.  If the world were being overrun by zombies, what would be your weapon of choice, and why?
2.  Would you have rather been Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid, and why?
3.  Which superhero movie is your least favorite, and why?
4.  What movie can bring you to tears without fail?
5.  Have you ever said, “Oh captain, my captain” to someone?
6.  If you answered “yes” to #5, why did you do it?  If you answered “no” to #5, do you at least know the reference?
7.  If you answered “no” to #5 and “no” to #6, what is your favorite Robin Williams movie?  Otherwise, what is your favorite Mel Brooks movie?
8.  If you gave your favorite Mel Brooks movie in answer to #7, what is your favorite Robin Williams movie?  If you gave your favorite Robin Williams movie in answer to #7, what is your favorite Mel Brooks movie?
9.  Did you see what I just did there?
10.  If you were stranded on a desert island, with a movie player and a big screen TV, and you could only have one movie from each of the following genres, which ones would you want with you?  Drama?  Western?  Comedy?  Action?  Thriller?
11.  Have many of these questions had nothing to do with movies?

5.  I will accomplish this task through the magic of pingbacks.  Look out, you’ve been tagged!

These first three I’m tagging because they tagged Revis, who in turn inflicted this pain on me, so I’m holding them responsible:

Twindaddy
Alice
Miss Four Eyes

The rest I’m tagging because they are awesome and I want to see their answers to my silly questions (Okay, okay, Twindaddy, Alice, and Miss Four Eyes are all awesome too, and I want to know their answers too, but I wanted to point out that all of this is their fault.  So feel free to blame them as well in your posts.):

Moi
Kim
AR Neal