Guest Post: Why can’t they get this one right?

I wax philosophical over on 33 Grams of Blog regarding comic book movies and one in particular they just can’t seem to do justice to. Go check it out!

 

(Comments closed here to get y’all to start up the discussion over there.)

33 Grams of Blog

Please welcome Matticus to 33 Grams of Blog. As some of you know, I’ve visited Matticus over at The Matticus Kingdom on a couple of occasions and, in return, he has made me the First Knight over his realm. Well, today he’s paying me a visit. Matticus is a man of many faces. He’s the husband of the Queen, the father of the Prince, a great writer, and an awesome guy. He’s 33 grams of Jester. Once you read this, please go over and visit the Kingdom. Check out the rest of his awesomesauce.

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It’s all gone Q and A

Continuing this week on the new theme where I highlight a film that punches above it’s weight, today, we are going to see what I’ve learned from a deaf DJ in It’s All Gone Pete Tong.

(All previous iterations of the Q and A silliness can be found here.  As if you didn’t already know that.  Let’s make a game of it.  Who can collect them all first?)

(Wait?  What?)

(Never mind.)

Some of these may not be suitable for small children, the elderly, and anyone who gets offended easily.  You’ve been warned.  Just as you were warned last week.

Q: What should you say when you have an amazing life experience and are considering how to profit from it?
A: “Maybe I should write a book. That might take years though, perhaps a pamphlet or brochure.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say to someone who sounds terrible?
A: “You’re talking like a 95 year old war vet. Frank, you need professional help.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks you about your newest musical endeavor?
A: “We’re bending the sounds. I’ve been forging it. With a lyrical smelter.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: You find yourself in an important meeting, your coworker has just basically told off your boss after being asking provide something and you need to smooth things over, what do you say?
A: “I think what he’s trying to say is even though he feels that he has nothing to prove to you, he’d be happy to prove anything you want, to you.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks you what your favorite type of footwear is?
A: “Flip flop is to me perfection.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say when your parents ask you about someone you used to hang out with back in school?
A: “I’ve heard some stories. This guy supposedly saw him in New York wearing a garbage bag for a hat and shoeboxes on his feet and he had a rock, and he was trying to eat it like a sandwich.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you plan on doing with your life?
A: “I was thinking, you know Paul Newman’s got his salad dressing and that? So why not Frankie Wilde Hummus?”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say when someone asks how you could have made a certain decision against them?
A: “Well, business is tough and sometimes you have to make awkward decisions and I’ve made harder decisions than dropping the deaf DJ.”
– Jack Stoddart (Neil Maskell)

Q: What should you say when you are out at a club, hammered, and someone asks what you are doing?
A: “No, I’m not gonna fuck her. I’m knackered. I’m just gonna have a nosh.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: You are sitting poolside, enjoying a refreshing beverage, and someone interrupts you to ask how your drink is, what should you respond?
A: “It’s like bad speed in a can. We’ve all had bad speed haven’t we?”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

A whole bunch of silly, and then bam-bam, hit you with two offensive ones at the end.  Well, I warned you at the top, didn’t I?  *scrolls up to double check*  Yes, yes I did.

………

Have you watched this movie?  I was shocked at how much I liked it.  After having previously watched “Go” and “Groove” I was expecting something silly and mostly terrible.  And I wasn’t disappointed.  It is silly, it is terrible, and it is fantastic.  Here there be drugs, and beats, and redemption again, and love, and one badger monster.  Thanks for playing along.

In Q and A Bruges

This may be the start of a whole new series of Q and A – where I highlight a film that punches above it’s weight: it’s better than it should be.  Today, we are going to see what I’ve learned from a couple contract killers taking a “vacation” In Bruges.

(All previous iterations of the Q and A silliness can be found here.)

Some of these may not be suitable for small children, the elderly, and anyone who gets offended easily.  You’ve been warned.

Q: What should you say when you are perfectly content at home and someone suggests going on a trip to a place you’ve never even heard of?
A: “Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn’t, so it doesn’t.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

*You were warned about offensiveness.  You can’t say that you weren’t.*

Q: What should you say when someone compliments you on the attractive nature of your female companion at a social gathering?
A: “She’s ain’t my girlfriend. She’s a prostitute I just picked up.”
– Jimmy (Jordan Prentice)

*Again, offensiveness, you warned – and if you aren’t enjoying these, you should probably skip the next one.*

Q: What should you say to someone when you are finally ready to tell them off once and for all.?
A: “I mean no disrespect, but you’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, and you’ve always been a cunt. And the only thing that’s going to change is that you’re going to be an even bigger cunt.”
– Ken (Brendan Gleeson)

*Did you skip it or risk it?  How’d that work out for you?*

Q: When you are on vacation and someone asks how you are enjoying yourself, what should you answer?
A: “Maybe that’s what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

*I figure if you’ve made this far and haven’t headed any of the warnings, you know what you are doing and are on your own for the rest.*

Q: What should you say to someone who’s stupidity and uselessness leaves you too flummoxed and frustrated to think straight?
A: “You’re an inanimate fuckin’ object!”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

Q: What should you say when you are at a bar ordering drinks for yourself and a friend and your friend wants something “light?”
A: “One gay beer for my gay friend, one normal beer for me because I am normal.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you didn’t recognize them when they passed you on the street earlier?
A: “I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today; Wasn’t waving hello to anybody. Except… maybe to a horse.”
– Jimmy (Jordan Prentice)

Q: What should you say when you find yourself talking to a couple people who you can’t understand and aren’t quite sure you should be anywhere near to begin with?
A: “You two are weird. Would you like some cocaine?”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

Q: What should you say when you are in a gun shop, browsing, and the clerk asks if you’ve seen the latest Uzi models?
A: “An Uzi? I’m not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn’t come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

And for the grand finale, this one only works if you have two people “playing along:”

Q: “Why don’t you both put your guns down, and go home?”
– Marie (Thekla Reuten)
A: “Don’t be stupid. This is the shootout.”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

Don’t forget to come back next week where I will either try to offend even more people or I’ll profusely apologize for everyone I offended this week.

………

Have you watched this movie?  Netflix, when I had the service, recommended it to me and one day I finally relented and watched it, and then I watched it again and laughed even hard the second time around.  It’s got everything: drama, love, comedy, action.  It’s almost the perfect movie.  Here there be gun battles, a few deaths, redemption, love, and all kinds of over-the-top ridiculousness, and one very bad monster.  Thanks for playing along.

it’s Val about Q and A

After last week’s John Candy tribute, I decided to continue on the theme of sticking with one actor for the whole series of Q and A.  We all can agree that Johnny Depp is a truly talented character actor… but, this post has nothing to do with him.  Instead, we are going to dive into the memorable quotes from another amazing actor…

He’s played a Saint, he’s played a Spartan, he’s played an Iceman, he’s played a Doc…  the entire spectrum of the human experience is within his ability to capture and portray.  Agree?  Disagree?

That’s entirely up to you, but if you have no idea what’s going on, you should probably start here.

Over the years I’ve incorporated a mind-blowing amount (“infinity times infinity”) of movie dialogue into my day-to-day lingo.  This week’s theme, as already discussed, is all about Val Kilmer’s roles.

Q: What do you say to someone who keeps calling you saying they need your help when it always ends up being something they could have figured out for themselves?
A: “The Batsignal is not a beeper.”
– Batman – Batman Forever

Q: What do you say when you are asked why you are with your significant other?
A: “For me the sun rises and sets with her, man.”
– Chris Shiherlis – Heat

Q: What do you say to someone who won’t shut up and has proved their incompetence over and over?
A: “I don’t think you’d know where to put food at, if you didn’t flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you’re stupid.”
– Perry – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Q: What do you say when someone asks who you are?
A: “Nobody has a clue. Least of all me.”
-Simon Templar – The Saint

Q: What do you say when someone asks for your help (and truly needs it)?
A: “Give me a sword, I’ll win this war for you.”
– Madmartigan – Willow

Q: What do you offer someone who isn’t feeling all that well?
A: “Want some more dope? Want a Dr. Pepper?”
– Scott – Spartan

Q: What do you tell a friend you trust completely?
A: “You can be my wingman any time.”
– Iceman – Top Gun

Q: What do you say to someone dressed a bit unusually but who is managing to “pull it off?”
A: “Sir, let me take this moment to compliment you on your fashion sense, particularly your slippers.”
– Chris Knight – Real Genius

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you do what you do?
A: “Darling… you know how God invented liquor so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world. Well, I think he may have invented being stubborn so we can be the best at something.”
– John Patterson – The Ghost and the Darkness

Q: What do you say to someone about to do something supremely foolhardy?
A: “In pace requiescat.”
-Doc Holiday – Tombstone

How many of these have you seen?  What is your favorite Val Kilmer role?  Do you agree is just as great a character actor as Johnny Depp?

………

I think there may be something wrong with me.  Do I have any words that are my own?  It’s a bit disconcerting that I pull so much from movies.  I am constantly afraid that when I’m doing some writing on one of my work’s in process that I’m just plagiarizing the crap out of  something I’ve seen or read before.  Anyway, I hope some of you respond with your thoughts on Kilmer vs. Depp.  And never forget, here there be monsters, gunslingers, fighter pilots, detectives, and, as always, silliness.  Thanks for playing along.

Q and A Candy

This week finds me reminiscing about one of the greats and all the quotes I attribute to him.

All prior incarnations of the Friday Q and A silliness can be found by clicking on this like right here.

Over the years I’ve incorporated a small amount (sarcasm) of movie dialogue into my day-to-day lingo.  This week’s theme, as already discussed, is all about the man, the legend, John Candy.

Q: How should you go about order refreshments for a few friends and yourself?
A: “Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips”
– Burton Mercer –The Blues Brothers

Q: What do you say to someone who says that the end of the world is near?”
A: “This is it, pay attention.”
– Pvt. Foley – 1941

Q: What do you say when someone asks what you’ve been up to?
A: “Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up…”
– Dewey Oxburger – Stripes

Q: What do you say when someone asks why you don’t have more friends?
A: “I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!”
– Barf – Spaceballs

Q: What should you say to someone who is working on something and asks you to be quiet?
A: “Don’t let me stand in your way, please don’t let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth… You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn’t know when to keep his big trap shut… If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs…”
– Del Griffith – Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Q: What should you should say every time you find yourself out of breath and someone asks if you are okay?
A: “Bear… bear… Big Bear… big bear chase meeeeeeee…!”
– Chet Ripley – The Great Outdoors

Q: What do you ask when someone hands you something?
A: “What’s this? An egg?”
– Harry Crumb – Who’s Harry Crumb?

Q: What do you say to someone who doesn’t want to do what you’ve very politely asked them to do?
A: “How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep?”
– Buck Russell – Uncle Buck

Q: What should you say to someone when they are down and out and need a pep talk?
A: “If life hands you a lemon, you gotta crush it into lemonade.”
– Sheriff Bud Boomer – Canadian Bacon

Q: What do you say to someone who says that “have to” win a competition, they “need” the trophy above all else?
A: “But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”
– Irv – Cool Runnings

If you haven’t watched each and every one of these movies, we here at the kingdom demand that you go forth and do so immediately.  We’ll wait…

………

Ah, John Candy how I miss thee.  Comedy just isn’t the same without you.  Here there be monsters, hatchet wielding uncles, characters with unfortunate names, blabber mouths, coaches, tricksters, silliness, memories, and an unconventional ride home in the back of uhaul with a band at Christmas.  Thanks, as always, for playing along.