Versus: Worst Film Adaptation (Novel)

Normally, I do my Versus posts on my blog, but since I posed the question here in the Kingdom, I figured I should stay here to play out the battle for everyone. I asked you all what you thought the worst film was that was adapted from a novel. You answered. So, here we go!

merv –  The lovely bones. The characters just seem different

GMan – Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. They managed to turn imagination into silly nonsense.

ksbeth – ‘my sister’s keeper’ because they changed the stunning dramatic twist at the end in the film . totally ruined the story.

djmatticus – Dragons of Autumn Twilight….
The movie, if you can even call it that, glosses over more important parts of the book than I can count and the animation is so terrible, both poorly drawn and doesn’t flow together, that it detracts even further from what is one of the greatest fantasy stories ever written

1jaded1 – The Amityville Horror. I was fourth in line to read it in Grade 5. I read the book when I was 10 years old. The cover freaked me out. The book cover had a house with eyes and flies. The red glowing eyes were creepy but what happened with Kathy being possessed and levitated by an elderly woman made my skin crawl. Mom told me she would not feel sorry if I had nightmares. Then came the movies. Yes, both of them.
I saw the first release in the early 80s. The music was the creepiest element of the movie. The movie itself focused mostly on George. Disappointing.
The remake was worse. It focused on the gore and left elements critical to the creep factor out. For crying out loud, the remake did not even have a pig. I’m glad I rented it. I would have left the theater fuming.

And mine, which is the same as what I know my brother would pick, but he decided not to say anything….

Timeline by Michael Crichton. Too many changes. Bad changes. Bad casting decisions. Just an overall horrible experience after the book is one of the greatest ever.

There’s your choices everyone. I’m going to put a poll underneath all of this. In two weeks, we’ll come back and see what film everyone voted for!

chores tackled, for a price

“What are you talking about?”

Jillian had been rambling over breakfast, and Jake had only partially been listening until dollar amounts started getting thrown into his wife’s sentences.  That, as always, grabbed his full attention.  He set the paper aside and peered over the top of his glasses.

“Weren’t you listening to me?” She teased, feigning pouty lips while batty her eyelashes at the same time.

He shook his head, “No, but I am now, so what are you talking about?”

“This great new service Amy was going on about at the salon today.  They come into your house and do the chores you don’t want to do.  Everything is negotiable.  You don’t wash the cars or pets, they’ll do it.  You don’t want to help the kids with homework, they’ll do it.  You don’t want to watch a show with your spouse, they’ll do it.”  Jillian was brimming with excitement over the idea.

“For a price, of course,” Jake tried to tamper her enthusiasm.

“Silly, yes, of course for a price.  They are providing a service, why shouldn’t they get paid?”

“Fine, but, what kind of prices are we talking here?  Let’s say I want to watch “Dude, Where’s My Car” tonight, and I know you have no interest in joining, but I don’t want to watch it alone.  How much would they charge for that?”

Jillian tilted her head and thought about it for a minute.  “I’m not sure, I think for movies they charged by the hour and it was only $15.  But there were different packages you could sign up for that included different levels of service.  They could bring snacks with them to share.  They could study up on facts and trivia about the movies and engage in discussions during and/or afterwards depending on your preference.”

Jake didn’t say anything, but he raised his eyebrows, obviously intrigued.

“Do you want me to find out more about them?”

“Why not.”

“Okay, “Substitute People” added to my list for tomorrow…  You didn’t really want to watch that stupid movie tonight, did you?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

This bit of silliness inspired by The Queen (she picked the word and the movie) and the Inspiration Monday prompt:

The Rules

There are none. Read the prompts, get inspired, write something. No word count minimum or maximum. You don’t have to include the exact prompt in your piece, and you can interpret the prompt(s) any way you like.

OR

No really; I need rules!

Okay; write 200-500 words on the prompt of your choice. You may either use the prompt as the title of your piece or work it into the body of your piece. You must complete it before 6 pm CST on the Monday following this post.

The Prompts:

EXTRA STRENGTH
THE ONE WHO LIVED
BURROW
FARADAY
SUBSTITUTE PEOPLE

742 Evergreen Q and A

I can’t believe I haven’t already done this one…

Shame on me.  Shame, shame, shame.

This week’s theme is fairly evident, if you haven’t figured it out just based on the post title, then shame on you!  It’s, of course, all quotes from The Simpsons Movie.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say whenever someone brings up “what’s-her-name?”
A: “Clap for Alaska!”
– Homer (Dan Castellaneta)

Q: What should you say when someone asks for advice?
A: “Anyone can pick something when they know what it is; It takes real leadership to pick something you’re clueless about.”
– Russ Cargill (Albert Brooks)

Q: What should you say when the plane you are on is about to take off?
A: “Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.”
– Ned Flanders (Harry Shearer)

Q: What should you say when you are backseat driving?
A: “Look, we can’t keep stopping at every “sop”, “yeld”, or “one vay” sign!”
– EPA Passenger (Hank Azaria)

Q: What should you say whenever someone asks about your family?
A: “I wish Homer was my father.”
– Todd Flanders (Nancy Cartwright)

Q: What should you say when someone asks about where you grew up?
A: “This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare!”
– Lisa (Yeardley Smith)

Q: What should you say when someone asks what your current job is?
A: “Well, I don’t like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.”
– Moe (Hank Azaria)

Q: What should you say when someone says you made a mistake?
A: “That could be anybody’s Pig Crap silo.”
– Homer (Dan Castellaneta)

Q: What should you say when someone asks if they did something right?
A: “Actually, you’ve doomed us all. Again.”
– Bart (Nancy Cartwright)

Q: What should you say every single time you leave a building?
A: “Bye, everybody!”
– Dr. Nick (Hank Azaria)

………

I will never grow tired of watching The Simpsons on TV or on Film.  They always find a way to tickle my funny bone.  And while I will admit that sometimes the episodes can blur into one another, that isn’t reason enough to walk away from the characters.  Every generation has that one show that came on at the right time and then grew up with them.  The Simpsons is that for me.  Here there be fierce pacifier wielding babies, smart saxophone playing girls, crazy trouble making boys, tired peace keeping moms, and Homer.  There are no monsters.  Thanks for playing along.

Can’t Hardly Q and A

This week’s theme is fairly evident, if you haven’t figured it out just based on the post title, it’s all quotes from Can’t Hardly Wait.  This series was thrown together based on a request from The Queen.  It was on TV a few weeks ago, we were watching it, and she was amazed with how many lines I knew.  She said, “This should be one of your movie posts,” and now it is.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say to someone who says they are good at tanning?
A: “There’s a mirror right there. Take a look, you’re white.”
– Denise (Lauren Ambrose)

Q: While discussing favorite female character roles with friends, what should you add to the conversation?
A: “You know who else I like that didn’t get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.”
– Stoner Guy (Brian Klugman)

Q: What should you say to someone who is questioning the direction their life is headed?
A: “Fate! There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it’s up to you to make it happen.”
– Angel Stripper (Jenna Elfman)

Q: What should you say to a friend who is grieving over a lost relationship?
A: “You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There’s plenty of ’em in the sea.”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

Q: I don’t really have a question for this one.  I just like it.  But, if you think of a question to go with this as the answer leave it in the comments.
A: “I roll up on that shorty be like, “What’s up yo?” she be like, “You don’t know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa” cuz I don’t yo.”
– Kenny Fisher (Seth Green)

Q: What should you say to your flock?
A: “You are all sheep. Baah!”
– Earth Girl (Sara Rue)

Q: What should you say after taking the first sip of a newly tapped keg?
A: “Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

Q: What should you say to your girlfriend/wife/significant other when they ask how they look in a new outfit?
A: “Seriously, and you’re like Gwyneth.”
– Rachel (Jennifer Lyons)

Q: What should you say when someone calls you weird?
A: “You’re the one calling Barry Mannilow from a phone booth at 2:00 am”
– Angel Stripper (Jenna Elfman)

Q: What should you say any time you are really excited about something?
A: “I can’t feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

………

I have no problem admitting that I love this movie.  Come on, the geeky aspiring writer gets the girl.  What could be better than that, right?  How about you: have you seen it? did you like it? do you have a guilty pleasure movie? do you like Barry Manilow?  Here there be love, true love, comedy, jocks, kleptomaniacs, stoners, nerds, and every other cliche high school group, even the monsters.  Thanks for playing along.

SS Q and A

I know what you are thinking: Matticus, what does SS stand for?  Something Stupid.  Silly Sisters.  Savory Snacks.  There are just so many options!  But, this week, SS stands for Steven Seagal.  That’s right!  Musician, martial arts expert, friend of the environment and terrible actor.  But, that hasn’t stopped me from pulling in several of his movie quotes into my lexicon.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you are always so serious?
A: “I’d like to make something very clear: I don’t have rage. I’m a happy guy. You see this face? This is a happy face”
– Orin Boyd – Exit Wounds

Q: What should you say to someone who has just insulted you?
A: “I can’t believe you can still eat with that mouth.”
– Det. Gino Fellino – Out for Justice

Q: What should you say when someone asks about the angel and devil that used to sit on your shoulders?
A: “One thought he was invincible… the other thought he could fly.”
– John Hatcher – Marked for Death

Q: What should you say about someone who you’d really like to see six feet under but won’t do it yourself?
A: “I wouldn’t dirty my bullets.”
– Forrest Taft – On Deadly Ground

Q: What should you say when you get pulled over and the cop asks why you were speeding?
A: “Let’s face it, I don’t believe in authority.”
– Jack Taggart – Fire Down Below

*I’d like to take a moment here to remind you all that these are for laughs only and should not be attempted in the real world.  We absolve ourselves of any jail time or other consequences should you actually insult an officer when you have been pulled over.*

Q: What should you say to your daughter when she first starts talking about boys?
A: “No dating until you are 40.”
– Dr. Wesley McClaren – The Patriot

Q: What should you say to a random girl you find yourself having drinks with at a bar?
A: “You’re Machete’s girl. I know, cause you’re his type.”
– Rogelio Torrez – Machete

Q: What should you say when you didn’t do as well at something as you wanted to?
A: “Number 4? I wanna be number 1.”
– Nico Toscani – Above the Law

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you are good at?
A: “I’m just a cook”
– Casey Ryback – Under Siege

Q: What should you say when playing chess with someone and they’ve left themselves open for checkmate?
A: “’Cause if that’s the best you got, I’m just gonna have to kill you.”
– Lt. Jack Cole – The Glimmer Man

………

Do you have an actor you love to hate?  Someone you agree is terrible but that you still watch all their movies anyway?  I bet you do.  But, really, who can argue with a martial arts action flick… they are just so much fun!  Here there be cooks and cops, black bets and rock stars, and glimmering, lots and lots of glimmering, and, as always, a monster.  Thanks for playing along.