Revis Saves the Kingdom…. From Matticus

Matticus couldn’t believe his luck. There were signs up all around the castle saying that there were free tacos. And it wasn’t even Tuesday!!!

He had just passed his fifth sign with an arrow pointing him in the direction of the free tacos. The further along he went, the more he started getting a bad feeling about this. Something about it didn’t feel right. The next sign was pointing him towards the dungeon. Something was definitely not right here.

But, he wasn’t about to give up. Not when there could be free tacos at stake.

Right after the last sign, the tacos came into view. He rushed forward to grab them. That’s when he noticed that he’d just ran into a cell. The door slammed shut behind him. His hand reached out for the tacos and, as soon as he touched them, he knew he’d been tricked. He turned around to a faceful of bars and his First Knight, Revis, standing on the outside of the cell.

“Those tacos aren’t real,” Matticus protested. “They’re papier-mache!”

“That’s the part you’re mad at?” Revis answered. “Not the part where I locked you in a cell?”

“You don’t tease someone with tacos! That’s not right!”

“If you want to get technical, those signs were entirely accurate. No matter what they’re made of, they’re still tacos, and they’re yours to keep. So, I didn’t lie to you.”

“I suppose that’s true. Ok, fine you win. You tricked me into a cell. Ha ha. You’ve had your fun, now let me out.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ve done the people of the Kingdom wrong, and as the First Knight, it is my duty to protect the people of the Kingdom from everyone who would do them harm. Even you.”

“What are you talking about? What have I done to the people of the Kingdom?”

“You put in an automated system to handle the Kingdom’s information hotline instead of having real, live people handle the calls.”

Matticus laughed. “Would you expect anything less from the Jester?!”

“How can you defend this action? It is a horrible, vile thing that puts you on par with some of the world’s most evil villains. I may not be the best person out there, but I would never inflict an automated phone system on anyone. You should be ashamed of yourself…”

“Simple answer: I am an evil person.”

“And this is why I must overthrow you. To save the Kingdom from your evil tyranny.”

“Good luck.”

“What do you mean, ‘Good luck’? I’ve already captured you. You’re already in jail.”

“That is…. a fair point. So, now what?”

“Now, Jester, you are to be punished in a manner that will make evildoers think twice before they commit any misdeeds in the Kingdom again.”

“You don’t mean…”

“Yes. You will be forced to watch the kindergarteners of the Kingdom sing the song ‘Baby Shark’ 55,378,008 times in a row.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“After that, you will be released and, if you commit another crime, you will be forced to watch the animated version of Dragons of Autumn Twilight for two straight weeks.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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Revis and Matticus Save the Kingdom Chapter 31

After the initial shock wore off, Matticus was immediately confused by Goldfish’s presence before him. “You’re a mermaid,” he stated. “How are you floating?”

“You aren’t the only people who have travelled through the portals. I went through one and found a group of other mermaids. They were able to float as if they were underwater, even though there were times when it seemed like they weren’t underwater. They called themselves ‘Bubble Guppies’.”

From out of nowhere, Steph appeared. “You’ve been to the Bubble Guppy world?”

Unsure of how to react to this sudden appearance, Goldfish hesitantly answered, “Yeah.”

“Where’s the portal?”

Goldfish pointed to a doorway off to the side of the room. Without a word, Steph walked over to the door and stepped through. Goldfish looked at Revis. Her expression showed that she wanted an explanation, but all he could do was shrug.

Suddenly, from the doorway, they heard a loud crashing sound. It was soon followed by the sounds of screaming. The screams were horrible, lasting for several minutes. All the three of them could do was try to cover their ears from the noise. When it was finally over, they all sighed in relief.

A minute later, Steph emerged from the portal, carrying a pole with a giant orange fish head speared through it. “They deserved that,” she explained, disappearing again as quickly as she came.

Matticus looked at the other two people and asked, “What the hell was that about?”

“Well…” Revis stalled.

Matticus raised his eyebrows demanding further explanation.  He flicked his eyes briefly to make sure Goldfish wasn’t going to attack them but she seemed just as interested in the knight’s answer.

After a minute of thought, Revis shrugged his shoulders again, “It’s Steph’s story to tell, not mine.  You’ll have to ask her.”

The Jester scowled and Goldfish rolled her eyes.  The tension in the room seemed to lift for a moment as the three of them eyed each other and considered laughing at what had just happened.

Before any of them ventured a chuckle, Matticus turned back to the sorceress, “Wait, if that was a mermaid that Steph just killed, well, more than one based on all that screaming, aren’t they somehow related to you?  Even if they are from a different world, they are still kin to you somehow, right?”

“What’s your point?”  She responded dryly.

“Aren’t you upset about it?”

Revis shot Matticus a look that was full of daggers, wondering why the Jester would be trying to get the sorceress riled up again, and Matticus ignored him.  He had a plan and getting her angry was the first step.

“Not really.  Sure we are, were, sort of related, but their graphic design was terrible.”

Off to the side, Jaded began to stir. “Ow,” she groaned as she started to rise. Setting her glare at Revis, she complained, “How many times do I have to kill you?”

With a mock bow, Revis replied, “My dear Jaded, you’ve been begging to get shanked for a while now. I’m just happy I was able to help you accomplish that goal.”

Jaded’s eyes narrowed in anger. Shrugging, Revis disappeared again. Turning, Jaded looked to Goldfish for help. Before she could actually ask, an invisible fist slammed into her temple. Once again, she was unconscious. His work done, Revis dropped his invisibility.

“You do know that she’s only did all this because I told her to, right,” Goldfish queried.

“People’s motives don’t concern me,” Revis answered. “If you threaten my family, I’m not going to stop and ask why. I’m going to do what I have to do to neutralize the threat.”

“So,” Matticus interrupted, “why didn’t you stay invisible and attack Goldfish?”

“Because she can see me while I’m invisible,” the Knight explained, giving the sorceress a slight nod.

“Well, that’s a convenient plot twist and highly annoying,” Matticus mumbled.  The Jester was going to say a few other things under his breath, but then latched on to what Goldfish had just said.  “Why were you using Jaded to overtake the Kingdom with sparkly vampires?  Why are you attacking me?”

“You aren’t a vampire,” Matticus continued before Goldfish could respond.  “Were you just using them as a tool to gain more power and eventually take over the kingdom for yourself?  Was this all just some diversion?  A game because you decided you were bored and wanted to spice things up?  What were you hoping to achieve?  What could possibly be worth the loss of life you set into motion?”

“Well,” Goldfish started to respond, shifting uncomfortably from her spot by the throne before being cut off by Matticus.

“You think it is easy ruling a kingdom?  Did you have a problem with some of my decisions?  Did you think you could do a better job?”

“Well,” Goldfish started again, and Matticus cut her off again.

“What reason could you possibly have that makes all this worthwhile?  There isn’t one.  There is nothing you can say to absolve you of everything that has lead to here.  There is nothing that can wipe this stain from your hands… um, fins?  Wait, I’m confused again.”

Goldfish’s eyes narrowed as she glared at the Jester.  Matticus turned expectantly to Revis and raised his arms in the universal “well, aren’t you going to do something gesture.”  When Revis shrugged his shoulders, Matticus rolled his eyes, “I was distracting her so you could attack her…”

This time, it was Revis who rolled his eyes. “That was your plan?”

“Yeah…”

“That was the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard.”

“Stupid?! It was working until you botched the timing of it.”

“Working? Really? You think it was working,” the Knight asked him. Turning to Goldfish, he questioned, “Did that distract you at all? Was his ‘plan’ working?”

Goldfish, not wanting to feel left out, rolled her eyes, as well. “This is the stupidest good guy/bad guy showdown ever. Seriously. Nothing is being accomplished right now.”

Both men just stared at her, waiting for her to actually answer the question. When she didn’t, Revis continued, “See? It didn’t distract her.”

“She didn’t say that,” Matticus argued. “She said…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Revis shoved him. It knocked him a number of step backwards, but the Jester was able to keep his feet. A look of rage crossed his face. “Shove me again and I’ll stick my sword up your…”

Quickly closing the gap, Matticus shoved Revis back. The Knight fell back, but rolled with the push and came up on his feet. He drew his other dagger and took a step towards the Jester.  A smile started playing across Goldfish’s face. It lasted only long enough for her to see Revis throw his dagger at her, with Matticus leaping after it.

The sorceress, trusting in her magic to deflect the thrown weapon, concentrated solely on the sword brandishing Jester.  As the dagger hit her barrier spell and spun around her to clank noisily against the throne, she began to mouth the words of the spell that would put an end to Matticus.  The magic flowed through her and she unleashed it from the tips of her outstretched arms.

Goldfish watched as the curse danced along the air, buzzing with power and death.  She felt as elated watching the proof of another successful spell as she had after her first spell.  The joy of getting to see, hear, and feel the magic working through her had never dimmed over the years.

Her eyes grew wide in expectation as the curse neared her attacker.  But, the Jester brought his flaming sword down just as the spell was about to reach him.  The flames on his sword burned a brilliant blue as they struck her curse and she was forced to look away.  A sizzling sound ripped at her ears and she screamed in pain.

Matticus, unaware that Goldfish had thrown a deadly curse at him, clung desperately to his sword as it vibrated in his hands.  His forward momentum had been halted mid-leap, and he hung suspended in air.  With a loud clap he was thrown backwards across the room and then everything went dark.

 

Revis and Matticus Save the Kingdom Chapter 27

They ran through the forest for nearly an hour before finally stopping for a break. Matticus slumped against a tree, trying to catch his breath. Revis knelt down, his gaze on the ground. Suddenly, the Knight cried out and began punching the forest floor.

Matticus looked at Revis in confusion. “Did the vampires figure out a way to make the ground sparkly?”

After shooting the Jester a look that said that the sarcasm was not appreciated, Revis responded, “I hate having to leave them like that.”

“Then why did we? We could’ve stayed and helped them fight those bastards off.”

“Steph was right. We needed to go. What would happen to the Kingdom if one, or both, of us died while trying to protect those people? ”

Matticus gave a slight nod, conceding the point. Although, he hated it as much as his Knight did. “What now,” he asked.

“It’ll take much too long to walk to Long Beach,” Revis sighed, digging around in his pack.

After a few seconds, he pulled out a jar of black ink. Looking around, he found the largest tree he could see. He took a paintbrush out and dipped it into the ink. Revis quickly used the brush to draw an outline of a door, knob included. The Knight reached to grab the doorknob.

Matticus was about to tell his Knight how crazy he was acting, but to his surprise, Revis was able to grab the knob and turn it. The door swung open revealing the swirling colors of the roads of magic where there should have only been the inner rings of the tree.

“Another leap of faith,” Matticus muttered as he let his face go slack jawed in surprise, mimicking the expression he knew his Knight wanted to see.  Shaking his head in disbelief he let his gaze slide from the tree to the jar of ink to Revis’ bag and back to the tree.

“What?”  Revis asked.

“Another portal?  Matticus replied smoothly.  “Where does it go?”

“Wherever we need it to.”

The Jester peered around the Knight to gaze into the maelstrom of colors, trying to decipher where it’s exit might be but only getting dizzy in the process.  He looked away before the compulsion to fall over grew too strong to fight and focused on his Knight’s last words to bring himself back into the present.

“Wherever we need it to.  Wherever we need it to…  Wait a minute!”  Matticus grabbed the jar of ink from Revis’ hands.  Fuming, he asked, “You’ve had this all along?  Why didn’t we use this to get to Bruges in the first place?  How many miles did we walk that we didn’t have to?”

“I haven’t had this the whole time. I picked it up when we were world hopping. Wakko gave it to me when we went to the Animaniacs universe.”

“I don’t remember going to the Animaniacs universe…”

“Well, we couldn’t fit them all into the story, so a few of the universes got left out.”

“Yeah, but if you got this new thing from it, that means it’s an important plot point. Shouldn’t we have included it?”

“If I wanted logic, I wouldn’t be talking to a jester,” Revis sighed. “Besides, it’s too late. That part of the story is already published. We can’t add it now.”

Before Matticus could respond, Revis shoved him through the portal. As the bright light from the doorway assaulted his vision, the Jester vowed to stop letting Revis shove him through portals. It was getting a little old.

When he exited out the other side, he found himself staring face-to-face with two dragons. Normally, that situation would’ve scared him to death, but, since he recognized them as Rara and Grayson, he cried out in joy. He knew that meant his family was near.

“See, I told you they were still alive,” Rara said, throwing her husband a look of triumph and smiling happily.

Matticus thought she looked like she was about to go skipping along, which was a sight he wasn’t sure he wanted to see.  While he was sure it would be awe-inspiring, it also seemed terrifying.

“Okay, you won the bet, I’ll settle up later,” Grayson grumbled.

Matticus’ expression of joy lost a touch of its luster as confusion settled in, “Wait, what?”

Before either dragon could answer, Revis popped through the portal, nearly tumbling into the Jester, and if not for Grayson’s quick reflexes to use his tail to steady them, both Jester and Knight would have gone tumbling down in a heap.  The men found their balance and the dragon withdrew his tail allowing them to stand on their own again.

Matticus glared at his knight, for nearly knocking him over and pushing him through the portal, but his mood would not be deterred, so he looked back up to Rara, “It is good to see you but I’m sure you know who I’d really like to see right now.”

“Of course, Matticus,” she replied, “shortly, but first you need to meet with Deb and Dani, so we can coordinate our overthrow of the sparkly vampires.”

The two men started following Rara as she led them to Deb and Dani. Revis was a little skeptical about their ability to help. He was the First Knight of the Kingdom, and he had never heard of them before. Matticus seemed to know them, however, so he decided to go along with it for now.

As they walked, Matticus kept peppering Rara with questions about what had happened while they had been away. She told him repeatedly that she would go over everything once their meeting had started, but he kept asking more questions anyways. Revis began wondering if Rara had infinite patience. If he was in her position, he would’ve, at the very least, threatened Matticus until he stopped asking questions.

Suddenly, Revis stopped. Matticus quit asking questions to Rara long enough to ask one to Revis. “What is it?”

“I’m about to get attacked,” he replied.

Before Matticus could ask him to clarify, something materialized out of thin air to jump at Revis. The Knight caught it in his arms and brought it close to him. That’s when Matticus realized it was Revis’ daughter. He marveled at how the little girl, who was not yet even two years old, was able to sneak up on them like that.

“How did she do that,” he wondered out loud.

“Like father, like daughter,” Rara answered with a smile. “Come. He will know everything we say whether he is with us or not.”

The Jester and two dragons continued into Long Beach where they wound their way through alleys and shadows to stay out of sight as much as possible until finally arriving at a business the Jester was unfamiliar with.  The signage proclaimed it to be a house of yards and he couldn’t come up with any conveyances where that name would make sense and so found himself longing for a beer to soothe his aching head.

Once inside he saw that the building had been abandoned and enough of the furniture had been removed to make space for Rara and Grayson to fit comfortably.  Deb and Dani rose from where they had been seated and quietly conversing.   They quickly dispatched with their pleasantries and began discussing how best to overthrow the sparkly vampires.

Hours passed quickly and as the day turned over to begin anew, they finally came to an agreement on how to proceed.  Deb and Dani slipped away to whisper into the ears of their expanded networks.  The dragons flew off on their assigned tasks, and Matticus went to spend as much time with The Queen and Little Prince as he could before the signal would tear him away from them again.

Revis and Matticus Save the Kingdom, Chapter 19

“Damn,” Revis swore.

“What,” the still slightly inebriated Twindaddy asked.

“Jaded is the one who sent us through the portal,” Matticus answered. Turning to Revis he said, “So…trap?”

“Trap,” he replied with a nod.

“Are we going in?”

“It ain’t but a few hours out.”

“Yeah, but remember the part where it’s a trap?”

Twindaddy interrupted the serenity of the moment by questioning, “Hey geniuses, why don’t you find out what’s on the other side of the portal before you go rushing in?”

“That’s a great idea,” Revis sarcastically shot back. “Why didn’t I think of that? Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s because we won’t be able to see what’s on the other side of the portal until we cross through it!”

“Why don’t you just ask Elyse?”

“Who’s Elyse?”

“She knows everything.”

“And just how long will it take us to reach this Elyse,” Matticus queried skeptically.

With an exasperated sigh, Twindaddy pointed to his computer monitor. “You see that glowing device right there? I can talk to just about anyone in the world on that thing instantaneously.”

“It can do that? I thought you said magic doesn’t work here…”

“It’s not….you know what? Never mind. Just let me handle this.”

Twindaddy sat down in front of the strange looking device and started furiously clicking away on another strange looking device that rested on the desktop between him and the glowing screen.  Revis and Matticus exchanged glances, and when his Knight shrugged his shoulders, Matticus asked, “I thought you said you could talk to anyone you wanted instantly?”

Twindaddy replied curtly, exasperated, “I am.”

After another exchange of glances with his Knight that included a raised eyebrow, Matticus replied, “You don’t appear to be talking at all.”

Twindaddy stopped typing and glared at Matticus, and then flicked his eyes to his brother, “Can you keep him quiet for two minutes so I can get this done and get you two out of my life.”

“He’s a Jester, he doesn’t know how to be quiet.”

Twindaddy sighed, shot Matticus another dagger laced glare, and then went back to working on the glowing device.

Matticus thought about egging Twindaddy on by starting to sing a song, or something else to pester the man, just to be annoying.  But, opted against it, and instead turned to Revis and whispered, “Can’t we just kill him and be done with this?  I’m sure if we stepped into the portal we could find our way back to the kingdom eventually.”

“We could,” Revis opined, “but who knows what is now waiting for us on our side of the portal? Let’s just see what this fortune teller of his says first.”

“If you two ladies are done talking about your hair,” Twindaddy interrupted, “I’ve got something here.”

“What’s wrong with my hair,” Matticus asked, confused.

Ignoring him, Twindaddy continued, “Elyse says that if you throw a Murphy’s Law at the portal, it’ll let you see what’s on the other side of it.”

“What’s a Murphy’s Law?”

“It’s a special drink made at the bar up the street.” When both Matticus and Revis shot him skeptical looks, he argued, “Read it yourselves if you don’t believe me.”

Revis looked where he was pointing, but it seemed like a bunch of gibberish to him. “Is that what it says,” came Matticus’ question.

“Yeah,” Revis answered, even though he didn’t know if it was true or not. “Let’s get to this bar.”

“Wait a minute,” Twindaddy raised his voice. “We may have been able to get away with you guys being in your armor in Drun’s world, but that won’t work here. You’ll need to put on normal clothes.”

“No,” Revis denied. “Our armor does not come off. You’ll just have to think of something else.”

With a string of curses, Twindaddy grabbed some large white cloths out of the portal closet and wrapped them around each of the men. “If anyone asks,” he said after he was done, “just say you’re Amish.”

The trio left the dwelling, and while Matticus felt obliged to warn Twindaddy that his defenses needed serious upgrades, the pace and chaos of the outside world kept him too distracted to say anything during the short trip to the bar.

There were horseless carriage contraptions that were speeding along paved roads faster than looked safe.  There were people running next to those roads, but when Matticus and Revis looked, prepared to jump into action and rescue the runners, it didn’t seem like they were being chased by anyone or anything.  The dwellings all looked soft, easily taken by a wandering band of miscreants, but there were larger buildings that reached up into the heavens that seemed to be more solidly fortified.  Though, they were all made out of glass, which didn’t make sense at all.

The minds of both the Knight and the Jester were reeling when Twindaddy pushed them into a building with a, “here we are.”  And they were instantly flooded with relief.  The bar looked like a bar, smelled like a bar, and was as familiar to them as any bar would be in their own world.  It was a welcome relief after the stress and chaos of the journey there.

“Hey Twindaddy,” Bardictale said from behind the bar where he was busily polishing glasses, “What can I get you?”

“You again,” Revis cried.

“Great,” Bardictale sighed. “It’s the snake again.”

“So, you recognize us this time?”

“Never seen you before in my life. Now order something, and pay me up front for it, or get the hell out.”

“We need a Murphy’s Law,” Twindaddy ordered, “But I need it to go.”

With a raised eyebrow, the bartender asked, “You know I’m not legally allowed to let you take alcohol out of here, right?”

“The quicker you get it to me, and let me leave with it, the quicker you’re rid of the snake.”

“Sold,” Bardictale exclaimed as he took the weird, green paper Twindaddy was holding out.

“You guys use paper as money,” Matticus queried. “That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s easier to carry than gold,” Twindaddy pointed out.

“But it’s so much more fragile. It can rip or burn.”

Before the argument could continue, Bardictale walked back over to them with a cup. “Here’s your Murphy’s Law,” the bartender grumbled. Pointing at Revis, he added, “Now get him out of my sight.”

Revis opened his mouth to offer a retort, but Twindaddy grabbed his brother and dragged him away from the counter before the Knight could let loose the series of insults he had prepared to hurl.  Matticus chuckled under his breath as the three of them left the calmness of the bar and returned to the chaos of outside, where he then cursed, and wished he’d thought to grab a drink before they’d left.

Soon enough though they had managed to return to Twindaddy’s domicile.  They quickly shuffled into the closet where Twindaddy turned on the strange light again and swung open the portal.

“Now what?”  Revis asked.

“Throw the drink through.”  Twindaddy replied with a shrug.

“That’s absurd, how is that going to tell us anything?”

“Yeah, sounds like alcohol abuse,” Matticus added, with a forlorn look towards the soon to be doomed drink.

“Are you sure you read the instructions correctly?” Revis asked.

“I showed them to you, didn’t I?”

Not wanting to admit that they couldn’t read the words of this world, Revis and Matticus shrugged.  Then the Knight grabbed the Murphy’s Law out of his brother’s hand and threw it through the portal.

Let the games begin

fauxpocalypse books contests

5 days.  5 books.  5 contests.  5 winners.

Seems pretty straightforward to me.  This week in The Matticus Kingdom I will be hosting a new game/contest each day.  The winner each day will recieve a signed copy of Fauxpocalypse.

Doesn’t that sound great?!

Let’s get to it!

1ST CONTEST:

Let’s start off easy.  Leave a comment or multiple comments, as many as you’d like.  At the end of the day I will assign a number to each comment and then use the randbetween Excel function to select a winner.

Super easy.  All you have to do is comment and you could win a copy of the book.  The more you comment the more chances you have to win.

So, what do you want to talk about?  What’s on your mind?