Ten.

Ten years ago we stood on the side of a mountain, in front of our friends and family, and promised adventure.  Yes, we promised to love and honor and cherish and all that too.  But mostly we promised adventure.  I believe we have kept that promise to each other.  They  haven’t always been glamorous.  They haven’t always been perfect.  But, there have been adventures aplenty and we have survived them, enjoyed them, struggled through them, planned them, been pulled into them, won hard-fought victories over them, and all side by side.  I wouldn’t want anyone else standing by me.

Ten years ago we stood on the side of a mountain, a mountain we have continued to go back to and enjoy, and little did we know what our lives would look like.  We could have guessed.  We probably would have gotten pretty close but we wouldn’t have known all the little things have that made each day an adventure of its own.  Job changes.  Cats.  Home projects.  Children.  Some of those have been easier than others.  All of them were great because we went through them together.

Ten years ago we stood on the side of a mountain, a mountain covered in snow, having already fallen in love with it and each other and we vowed to face all of our future adventures as one.  One force.  One team.  It was a brilliant day, blue skies from horizon to horizon and the warm spring sun made everything shine, and pretty much every day since has been brilliant as well.  We adventure together.  We shine together.  We are brilliant together.

8 years

Dearest Queen,

Eight years ago, our vows promised adventure, and oh the adventures we have had.

Some have changed over the years… The daily dance drama has been substituted with the poop story of the day – two kids and two fur babies, and all of them full of shenanigans, and that’s a lot of poop.

Some have not changed… Mammoth season passes – and all the fun and tranquility the mountain provides time after time after time, recharging our spirits and adding stories to our shared life.

Our home has been updated and upgraded while remaining the same reliable, comfortable bedrock for our family. That family has grown with the addition of kitties and children, in that order. We’ve had some misunderstandings. We’ve had some disappointments. We’ve had some amazing triumphs. We’ve had some perfect moments.

We’ve faced it all side by side. And we’ve made it through, together. We make a great team.

I am still sad every morning when I have to leave you to go to work. I am still thrilled when I see you next, no matter the circumstances. You make me feel safe. You make me feel whole. I don’t see that ever changing.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t imagine it any other way.

I know that regardless of what adventures come our way next, we will navigate them successfully. The good, we will fully enjoy. The bad, we will survive and come through with laughter. These are truths of who we are.

I love you,

Matt

Holding On

People ask me why I never married. I smile and say that marriage wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to hear that I was abused during the last 10 years of my relationship and likely would have died from the abuse had I married.

People ask me why I never had kids. I smile and say that having kids wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to hear that I don’t want to bring a child into this world. I was assaulted by my “best” friend. To impose that on my spawn..I mean offspring, or worse be the source, is not an option.

People ask me why I don’t have a pet. I smile and say that I’m never home. I ask how that is good for the pet. I’m sure that they don’t want to hear that to this day, I have nightmares about forgetting to feed it or let it out. I wake up in a cold sweat when I touch its lifeless pet corpse.

People ask me why I don’t have a plant. I smile and say that I don’t have the proper growing conditions along with a black thumb. I’m sure that they don’t want to hear that I’m toxic and can’t even keep a plant alive.

Last August, my brother-in-law died. When I returned, my coworkers presented me with a beautiful plant. It had purple flowers. I was touched. In order to diffuse my tears, I made a joke to take bets on the survival time. Little by little, the flowers tumbled.

Then there was one.

Since November, the flower held on. People laughed and I gave it representation to all of us who hold on, despite the roughest challenges.

My former department took my job. I have a new job that I love, so there, former department. The person who took the main function is intelligent but VERY immature. While training, she fiddled with things at my desk. She spilled water and just couldn’t sit still. At first I thought she was like me some xxx number of years ago, but no.

Last week, she came to ask a question. True to her fiddling form, she started playing with my flower (stop it).

The flower popped off.

In mid-sentence, my eyes and mouth opened huge and my hand clamped over my mouth to stifle what my brain wanted to say. All that escaped was a squeak.

Before I knew it, she was running to her desk and returned with tape. She taped the flower back on and said, “all better, now. It will never die.”

The plant’s leaves are still green. The plant is still alive, but the flower is receiving no nourishment. As much as it hurts me, I’m going to let the flower go. Being forced to hold on is not the same as holding on.

Seven years to the day

My queen,

It was seven years ago we held hands halfway up a snow covered mountain and made promises for our lives entwined.  Love, of course, was among the vows.  So too was adventure.  I’d say we have done very well on both those counts.

We’ve traveled from Playa del Carmen to Whistler to San Diego to Bar Harbor.  We’ve snowboarded, camped, gone sightseeing, visited family in at least 4 different states, played volleyball, relaxed on beaches, watched movies from the comfort of our couch, bought new cars, bought a condo, remodeled various parts of that condo, and expanded our family.  First we added two cats to our fold, and then out of the adventuring duo arose a trio of explorers.

Sometimes it seems our little home is bursting at the seams… but even then it feels exactly like it is supposed to: home.

We’ve built a wonderful life together over the last seven years.

I can’t wait to see how it expands and changes in the next seven, and the seven after that, and the seven after that, and…

All my love,

Matt

considerable worth

This is the conclusion of the little mini story running the last couple Mondays:

She found him and her face fluctuated from joy to sorrow and back again.  It was interesting in a place that contained infinite potential for happiness that she hadn’t enjoyed the wonders as much as she assumed she was supposed to.  But, it all seemed slightly less vibrant, duller and muted without him by her side.  She noticed that time was funny, though, and so she patiently waited for him to join her.

As their years had accumulated into numbers that spoke truly of the time they had spent together, he had told her about time and its imperfections.  He had shared his discovery of the moments where it would race forward and where it would drag along, and how he had managed his life to take advantage of those metronomic glitches.  In the depths of the sharing conversation she had expressed regret that he had lost such a treasure to be with her, but she could see in his eyes that he regretted nothing and for that she was grateful.

So, when she found herself in this new place and felt the time weighing differently against her, she knew what it was and what it meant.  And she knew if she remained calm it would slip forward for her until he found her.  But, just as they had met in the other world when she crashed into his car, it was she who found him again.  He was walking with a purpose, his head on a swivel and his eyes piercing everything they encountered.  She recognized him immediately and moved to intercept his path.

He was trying to see too much though and his gaze passed over her without stopping, and in the first moment of worry she’d had since her death she thought he would miss her and carryon forever.  She couldn’t let that happen.  She wouldn’t.  Racing forward she stepped into his path and their two essences collided.

While there was a sudden jolt, there was no pain or loss of footing.  There was only smiles and laughter and love.  So much love.  Love unending.