On being thirty-nine

Dear Jester,

I’d say that’s a funny way to start a letter to myself but we all know that it fits.

What an adventure it has been, yes?  Thirty-nine years full of adventures.  Far too many to list out here so perhaps we should just focus on the last little bit.  Perhaps, perhaps.  Though I doubt I can say much now that doesn’t relate to something that came before.  We all know that fits as well.

It’s an interesting thing to reflect on the passage of time, to admire the triumphs over the adventures that went sideways and to bask in the remaining glow of those that went better than expected.  I’ve done far more than I thought I would by this age and far less at the same time.  That’s part of the hypocrisy that is at my core.  Hypocrisy isn’t exactly the right word but it harkens to something I think about a lot.

When I was young I assumed there would be a point when I would stop being a child and would be an adult.  It would be a clear delineation.  One or the other.  And I keep waiting for that to happen.  Yet, here I am at thirty-nine and it hasn’t happened yet so now I have to assume it never will.  Which then makes me wonder about all the generations that came before.  Did they go through life always feeling like both?  Young at heart but wise with age? That’s not quite either but it is close enough for now, especially since this letter is for me and I know what I mean even if I can’t articulate it.

The logical answer is that yes, of course, they felt the same.  But logic isn’t always the easiest thing for me to accept.  And by that I mean, that I grew up on stories with clear distinctions with well defined endings, where the heroes were either children or adults, and have thus romanticized that.  And I feel like neither and both at the same time and that can leave me feeling out of sorts, like something is wrong with me.

Again, logically, I know that nothing is wrong with me and I need to be kinder to myself.  That’s true for all sorts of things.  I have expectations that are likely impossible to live up to and thus constantly disappointing myself even though nobody else holds me to those same standards and expectations.  Knowing this does little to curb the sting of failures and regrets.

That’s not entirely accurate anyway.  I’m hard on myself on some things and super forgiving on others… all part of the hypocrisy that is me…  Not the right word but close enough.  And I know it doesn’t really matter.

I know a couple other things too.  I have a beautiful and brilliant wife and two, going on three, children.  And know that all I really need to be happy in this crazy world is two things: my beloved mountains and family.  I’m blessed with both.

And that’s nothing to scoff off after thirty-nine years.  Or after any amount of time, really.

So, dear Jester, be kind to yourself.  Be patient.  Remember that you know what you need to be happy and let the rest slide to the side.  As best you can.  Some days you’ll do it well.  Some days you won’t.  So it goes.

Now go hug your kids and wife and tell them that you love them, including the tiny one still hidden away, and then dream of the wild places, the high places, the valleys and rivers, and snow-capped peaks that call to you.  You’ll be back among them soon enough.

You’ve got this,

Matticus

rain

The rain cleared and the horizon stretched to where the mountains met the heavens, clean and clear and glorious.

There isn’t much I don’t like about good storm.  And, I would be hard pressed to give you the same answer every time to what my favorite part is, because that certainly changes based on time of day, my mood, how long it has been between storms, what day of the week it is, …  and on and on.

But, there is certainly something magical about letting my eyes cast towards the far off lands and feel like it is so close I could touch it.  It’s right there.  If I could just get my fingertips to push that much further outward…  If I could just keep walking, just keeping running, just keep driving…  If…

Well, that’s just it, isn’t it?  A storm, to me, opens up the infinite possibilities of that magical “if.”  The power behind it.  The way it sweeps the world clean.  The sense of rejuvenation of purpose and spirit.  The basic essence of life.  They combine into this one thing, a drop of rain, that can mean so much more, that can mean everything, if only we have the imagination to dream…

Picture Picture

Little Prince’s Photo Blog:

Partially as a distraction, and partially just to see what he would do with it, the Queen and I let the Little Prince have one of our old cameras. He doesn’t have constant access to it, but when we are out and about he is allowed to bring it along and take pictures of whatever he finds interesting. When he is older, I’ll ask him if he wants to start a photo blog to document and share the snaps he has taken. For now, though, I asked if I could share some of them with my friends and he quickly and happily said yes.

So, every Thursday this month, I’ll be posting one of his pictures. Maybe I’ll include some words, or maybe I’ll let his picture speak for itself… I guess you’ll have to keep checking back in to find out for yourself.

…..

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It was his idea to take a picture of me taking a picture of him. Again with the silliness, yes, but I love pictures like this. The Queen and I have several similar shots from our wedding, where our photographers got pictures of friends and family taking pictures themselves. Perhaps it is representative of our current society, where even our phones have cameras, and we all feel the need to click away and capture every little moment, from the meals we eat to the climax of our best adventures…

crunch

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The crunch under the board. The shifting, drifting, sliding. The crisp air plucking at my flesh. The warm sun battling back the chill. The clean air filling my lungs. The adrenaline surging through me.

Oh, how I long to be in my beloved mountains, with my beloved Queen, strapped to a piece of plastic and throwing myself off the sides of mountains.

November…

You’ll see an uptick in posts here in the Kingdom in November as I have decided to join team Tiny Peppers and take part in the annual NanoPoblano festivities.

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A post a day for the entire month?

Why not!  The Kingdom can handle it.  No problem.

I went through and found 30 pictures that I haven’t shared here before.  Depending on the day and which picture I’m inspired to post that day, you’ll be treated to either a bit of flash fiction that ties in with the photo or you might just luck out and get the real story behind it, why it is important to me, and why I decided to share it.  Or… you might just get a poem.  Because anything and everything is likely to happen here over the next 30 days.

So, sit back and enjoy the words.