the collector

He collected things here and there, browsing secondhand stores, going to yard sales, and sometimes simply rescuing things from trash cans he passed.  He didn’t think of them as treasure.  Everything he selected he had a need for, either directly or to be tinkered with, fixed, modified to fulfill some other purpose.  Occasionally the items he brought home did collect dust but that was never the intent.  They were never meant to sit on a shelf and be admired.  He wasn’t that sort of collector.

He might have bristled if you had called him a hoarder, though not from outrage but because he harbored the fear that perhaps he was.  He kept his house tidy, however.  Everything was treated like a tool and put in a place where it could be used when its time came.  His workbench was kept clutter free as well.  He would sweep and clean and put away after each new project.  Everything was always where it belonged.  There were, indeed, a lot of things.  They filled cupboards and drawers and cabinets, and hung from pegs that lined every wall in the garage in rows and layers.

And he was always happy to lend a hand with his neighbors.  Along with the tools he collected the experience and know-how of using them and would willingly offer to assist on any projects that popped up.  He was handy like that, a good neighbor and friend to have.  He’d loan out and even gift the items and his time, asking nothing in return.  He knew he would replace whatever was used.  It was only a matter of time until he’d find another one while searching here and there to add to his collection.

the lighthouse

She stood on the outcropping,
A sentinel towering above the rocks and foam,
Weathering the worst of storms and darkest nights,
Shining her brilliant light, her message of love and safety, for all to see.

But she did her job too well,
And her light guided everyone away from her,
To where they needed to be, yes, but away all the same,
Until she’d been alone for so long she began to doubt her worth, her purpose.

She pondered her isolation,
And considered turning off her light,
Not to sow chaos or cause harm, or for attention,
Because she no longer thought she was needed to protect the sea.

She stood on her outcropping,
And dimmed her lights, little by little,
Until the shore was left unprotected in the night,
With ship after ship crashing and smashing into the unseen dangers.

She watched from the precipice,
While the carnage unfolded below her,
And she tried to re-spark her light and shine again,
Only to realize it was never hers and turning it on was beyond her control.

She called out from the darkness,
Hoping to gather those who light fires,
And she waited patiently for them to climb her tower,
But who would answer her call in the worst of storms and darkest nights?

a new story…

I never just stare at a blank page.

I don’t start to write unless I have something to write about.  A picture.  A line.  A thought.  But, that can be problematic because the need to write is often so pervasive that it distracts me from other things.  So, then I sit down with whatever snippet of an idea, or even less than that on occasion, has been paramount in my thoughts and I plunk at the keys to see what comes of it.

Rubbish usually follows, of course.

And I will then delete what I wrote and move on with my day.  On the rare instance that I like what I wrote, I’ll still end up reworking it because the original idea wasn’t related at all to the result.  However that “reworking” process evolves, at some point I will look at the words and tell myself the following:

Write something worthwhile

Write something provocative

Write something memorable

Write something funny

Or

Just write

I want to be good at the first.  I aspire to the second.  I would love to do the third.  I feel like I used to do the fourth sometimes.  These days, however, I just need to write.  Whatever the words end up being, if I write enough of them maybe I’ll find my way back to something that actually means something to somebody, myself included.

That day is not today.  For now I’m in search of inspiration and I would enjoy some help along that path.  I seem to do better at writing projects that involve other people at the moment.  Somehow that keeps me focused in better and able to actually see it all through to some sort of conclusion.  So, in that vein, how about joining me for a game?

The rules are simple.  Create a character and I’ll use all the characters to write a story.  So, I’ll create a character.  You all create characters too.  Either send them to me directly or post about them and link back to here.  Then I’ll write a story that somehow incorporates all of the characters.  I’m not promising it will be more than a short story, or more than a blog post for that matter.  I’m not promising it will be worthwhile or provocative or memorable or even funny.  But, I will write something.

How does that sound?

Good, I’m glad you like the idea too.  I’ll start…

Here’s my character:  We begin with a girl.  Because there’s always a girl.  This one is named Heather.  She has hair that beams golden in sunlight as it cascades below her shoulders.  Her eyes, hazel, crinkle at the edges when she smiles and her laugh is far more playful than she ever intends it to be.  She lives in a small apartment overlooking the beach, though she never actually bothers to gaze out towards the breakers or walk along the edge to let the waves lap at her toes anymore.  She doesn’t even hear the crashing booms of the waves echoing on the otherwise silent nights except on those nights when she needs sleep the most and the noise agitates her rather than sends her to sleep.  She spends her days at an office an hour commute away, where she does work she enjoys but is always left exhausted and feeling like she’s missing something by the end of the week.  She loves movies and books nearly equally, in all genres and styles.  She cries when she’s happy and when she’s sad.  And, she knows she will always be single, but isn’t sure why that it is.  There is some part of her, something buried or forgotten, that she doesn’t fully understand.

And, that is your introduction to Heather.  So, who else is going to go into this story?  Let me know so I can get started on it!

Just a little bit

Interrupting my regularly (pre)scheduled posting to bring you some art…

and a request…

because nothing is ever truly free…

and I have a friend in need.

Like what you are seeing?  Everything featured here is by the talented Lindsay of The Mad Tea Party in My Head.  She is currently looking to sell some of her art, and would love to do some commissioned work too.  Interested?  Pop over to her site, leave her a note and she’ll quickly get back to you.

Thank you!

With a little help from our friends

Hello all you faithful kingdomites,

A couple weeks ago, Sheena set up a GoFundMe page for a friend of ours who is in a tight spot.  In a bit of good news, that mutual friend has found a place they can move to, but need a little bit of help securing the funds for it.  They have until the 20th to do so or will miss out on the opportunity. I asked them to write a bit of their story to share with the kingdom and they agreed, though I know it was hard to do.  So, please, read below and leave some comments of encouragement and support, and, if you can, click on through to the GoFundMe page and leave what you can there as well. 

Thank you,

Matticus

…..

I’ve never had good luck in relationships. My first serious boyfriend told me after a few months, that he dumped another girl so that he could ask me out. This was unsettling as I felt that he would do the same to me. Then there was the coworker that I had liked and ended up raping me. My next relationship ended a few months before we were married. There was a distance that had grown, and things felt off. There were other things too, like alarms going off in my head, and it was ended. He married a girl a few months after the engagement ended. He met her while we were engaged. The next guy, well he became controlling, abusing, and even forcing himself on me. I was done with relationships after him. I needed a break.

Then he walked into my life.

He was everything I had wanted, and not even looking for, and we hit it off from the start. Both of us were quirky, video game nerds, Batman lovers, geeks through and through. He got me, and when I explained my issues, the rape, depression, anxiety, he didn’t have a problem with that. He embraced it and supported me as I was working on trying to accept and work through everything.

Rather quickly after meeting him, I had issues that arose and I was kicked out of my family’s house. This lead to me being homeless. He graciously took me in while I looked for a place. Once again, supporting me. I did get my own place after about a month time frame. Never once did he lose his temper with me.

From the start, he knew of my issues, including the isolation from my family, my mental health battles, and some battles with weight due to health issues. Eventually, we moved in together.

Fast forward to recently. two and a half years later, and things are different.

My issues are too much for him, the isolation from my family is now a problem, and my health and weight have taken a toll on me.

Suddenly I’m no longer good enough. I’m getting yelled at more and more frequently, sometimes just for asking what’s going on. I’m blamed for everything. Then suddenly, the sun shone again and everything was rainbows and unicorns. We were good. Going out and having fun, making plans for the future. We had a good relationship again.

Then suddenly the temper was back. Everything I did was wrong. Even giving up some of my time to do things for him, was not good enough. Saying hi meant I’d get screamed at. I knew I became worthless. I was no longer appreciated. I was nothing. Then it happened.

He failed at something, and I became the target of his wrath. I was the victim, but according to him, I was the problem. He failed, but because when he tried to hand me something and screamed F***ing C**T, it was my fault to ask if that was directed towards me. I mean, you were quiet and handing me something, so I thought it would be normal asking if it was directed towards me. I should have known better, after all, I am a mind reader.

Later that day, I was told that we should dial back on being in a relationship. When I asked if this meant we are no longer together, I was never answered. Me and my mind reading skills took this as a large amount of nope. A few days later, I noticed everything that indicates male grooming in the apartment, and huge amounts of cologne as the entire place smelt of it. He was out on a date. It took him two to three days after saying “Let’s dial it back” to ask another girl out. That night I confronted him about it, and he told me no, but then he told me he I have two months get myself and the animals and get the hell out of his home.

When I tried to ask why the most bizarre answers were received. Originally when he told me that it was over, he said he wasn’t ready to settle down, now he told me that he is not getting any younger and he wants to settle down soon. He can no longer handle the mental health issues, the weight problems, my health problems, the lack of communication with my family. I was told that it was my idea to call it quits. One day he wants me to get the animals and go, and then the next he’s telling me he is keeping them. I don’t do the things he recommends that will make me better. Not taking medications, only meditating, running (with my arthritic knees). Meditation doesn’t work for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried, multiple times in my therapies, and twice with him, but it doesn’t work. Art and writing clear my mind.

Since the ultimatum, I now have a month to find my own place. A place that will take a person with no credit. Where I have almost no money to my  name. I deal with constant yelling and screaming from him one moment, then the next he is trying to be my friend. He’s stopped paying for anything with the animals. I’m paying for everything for them now. Food, litter, care, it all comes from me. What little I have saved up is gone. Thanks to his carelessness, I had to make an emergency visit to the vet as one of the cats was laying next to half of an acetaminophen pill. Then there were two that needed to be fixed. I’m now further behind then I was when I started saving money. Still enduring the tantrums, the mind fucks, the abuse. One minute he is wanting to be my friend, the next he gets a better offer to do something, and runs away. He avoids me at any costs unless there is something he is trying to get from me.

Halloween there is always a party from shared friends of ours. This year I almost didn’t go except for some pleading from some, as he was bringing her, the girl he left me for. Yes, he’s been out most nights with her. When he drops things and runs, it’s because she invited him over. He will stop talking in the middle of conversations with me, to talk to her, completely ignoring me as if I was no longer there. He’s tried to get me to help pick out clothes he wants to wear while out with her. It’s a constant reminder how I’m not good enough. Never good enough. I wasn’t good enough before for other guys, and I’m not good enough now. I won’t ever be apparently.

So back to me trying to get a clean start.

I have found a place. I have secured it for myself, with a promise of the money to be handed in by the 20th of the month. I have no money currently. Spent trying to make sure a cat didn’t die. A friend of mine set up a GoFundMe. That money was what I used for the cat, because she is one of my children, one that started many fights since the break up as I will not allow him to have her. I am not a person to ask for money. I give my time and money to everyone else. I don’t think I deserve it. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. So she set it up for me as I won’t myself. I’ve hit a spot, a rather bad one. I need to get out of this hell. I need to start over, sadly funds are lacking. I want to be able to move out, to take myself and my babies to a safe world where we don’t have to worry about threats, possible violence. There was violence to inanimate objects when he got upset. Screaming obscenities. Constant friendship being extended only to have it ripped away. I need this.

If you have it in you, please assist.