Guest Post: Revis tells the truth

Please welcome back Revis Edegewater who is going to dazzle you all with the some information that has never previously been disclosed about… well… perhaps you better just read what he has to say:

We here at Stuph Blog, and 33 Grams of Blog (and any other blog I happen to be writing for at the moment. What? It’s just those two? Are you sure? It seems like a lot more than that), would like to congratulate the Jester once again on the birth of the Prince. I wish them all the best. Unfortunately, the birth of the Prince raises a question. It might be a question that you yourself has asked (or someone else could have already asked it and I just wasn’t paying attention). The question is this: “How does a jester have a prince for a son?”

Let me clarify by saying that I do not doubt that the Prince is royalty. Clearly, he is. If you look at the history of every monarchy, however, you will see that no prince before has ever been fathered by a jester. This got me thinking into how this could’ve happened. I think it went a little something like this (I haven’t decided yet if what I’m about to tell you is a true story.)

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A KINGDOM A MOUSE-CLICK AWAY…

…there lived a beautiful queen. The queen was becoming impatient with her subjects. They were frustrated at her lack of progress in finding the kingdom a king and each day they were becoming more vocal about it. She was trying her best, but every man she met turned out to be a giant tool. Call her crazy, but she didn’t want her, or her kingdom, to be stuck with a giant tool for the duration of his life. Days passed. Those days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, the months into years. Eventually, the talk of her subjects was too much for her to take.

She sat in her ballroom pondering what to do, when suddenly it hit her. Just to shut those stupid commoners up, she’d simply marry the first man she came across who wasn’t a giant tool. As fate would have it, that night her cousin had arranged for a new court jester to play for the evening’s entertainment. When her cousin announced his presence, it jarred her out of her thoughts. She looked him over as he began his act. She thought he was kind of cute. He made her laugh, even though he used the oldest joke in the book, “That is what she hath said.” All-in-all, she liked him.

She also remembered that she had read a poll taken by the kingdom scribe, Kosmo Politan, that said the majority of women found a man with a sense of humor sexy (although she thought that was about as likely as a man who liked a woman for her personality). After his performance, she asked him to dinner the following night and their courtship began.

She eventually found that she liked the Jester for more than his sense of humor, and he thanked his lucky stars every night that a woman as beautiful as the Queen would ever even notice him, let alone court him (you’re welcome, Jester). A year later, they were married. Because he was not of noble birth, the Queen decided not to call him her King, instead leaving him with the title of Jester. When their son was born, however, he remained royalty, and was dubbed the “most awesome Prince in the land”.

THE END

After reading that, I’ve decided to make that a true story. The Jester may disagree with that. but, seriously, who are you going to believe? The story-teller, or the guy who was actually there?

PS: If you replace the word “Jester” with the words “Zombie-Killing Rogue” in that story, you will also know how Revis’ daughter was born a princess, even though  her father isn’t a king.

……….

I for one would believe the story-teller because as we all know, the truth is what gets passed down from generation to generation, the truth is what remains as the years pass and the people that lived the events vanish into history, and the truth doesn’t always have to be what actually happened.

Thank you, Revis, for answering the question I’m sure many in the kingdom had been asking themselves.  I would have told the story myself, perhaps this one and perhaps something slightly different, if… er, um, well… no, I probably never would have told this story.

But, now that you’ve all read a story about the kingdom, you should definitely go read some of the other stories that Revis is working on:
http://revisedgewater.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/the-evolution-of-my-geekdom-part-1/
http://revisedgewater.wordpress.com/2013/02/16/ff-fall-of-troy-part-1/

And one where he makes you write:
http://revisedgewater.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/a-revis-prompt/

Guest Post: Gordon Flanders heralds the coming of Spring

Gordon, from Anyone’s Ghost, agreed to do a guest post for me.  He has a very stream of consciousness, conversational, style of writing that I find captivating.  He blends humor, and the truth, and insight in a very powerful way and today he is here to talk about Spring:

I generally write about somewhat depressing things because I generally
find myself depressed, but whenever I come to The Matticus Kingdom I
feel a little better about life. So I thought in tribute I would write
something happy about spring.

In spring there are flowers and people smile at nothing. They wear
less clothing. They try to pretend like they’re not cold when they sit
outside drinking Mexican beer at the new patios that are turning up at
all the cool restaurants. They go to the gas station and buy propane
and hope they don’t blow up.

Spring is easy to miss sometimes. Especially in a place like
Washington, DC where it only lasts a week. You walk outside to all the
dead trees and you don’t think a thing about it, you walk a little
while and look up and all the sudden there’s green everywhere and
you’ve missed it and soon enough it will all be gone again. Just
another year in the life.

This spring I’m in Boston and I’m trying to notice. It’s really
fascinating to watch the changes in the plants. How they hibernate
through the winter, or even die, so that they look like they’ll be
dead forever, then they come back to life.

What if we only lived a year? Like if we were just dropped on the
Earth fully functional and then taken back after a year. The seasons
would really freak us out. I guess in some places there aren’t any
changes in the seasons, or at least not dramatic ones. Like San Diego
or the tropics. I wonder what subtle differences there are between
people who live in places without seasons versus people who experience
the changes.

I just had a thought but I forgot what. There is a squirrel outside
eating and darting around. Oh. I remember I was going to say that it’s
crazy to think that the seasons change only because the distance
between the Earth and the Sun changes. I wonder what Kepler thought
was the cause of the seasons. He was always trying to prove that the
orbit of the planets was perfectly spherical. I wonder if the Earth
will heat up so much in the next hundred years that there will be no
spring or fall anywhere. Just extremes, like in DC.

Ah but for now it doesn’t matter, because anyway what is time but some
vast tumultuous ocean that washes over us in such a way that we can’t
really tell if we’ve been alive forever or not. For now, whatever that
means, it is spring, or at least seems that way, and it’s pretty
outside and sort of warm and if this blasted wind would stop blowing I
could really enjoy my bike ride to work.

……….

How was that?  Brilliant, right?  He pulled you in and before you knew it you were laughing and thinking some very deep thoughts.  That’s what he does!  And for more of that I’d recommend checking out these (fair warning, because he writes with unedited emotion, letting the words bounce and lead and follow and shape the outcome, these are not PG):
http://gordonflanders.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/sinnerman-the-post-where-i-write-a-whole-essay/
http://gordonflanders.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/breathe/
http://gordonflanders.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/three-hours-of-buzzfeed/

Guest Post: Now For Something Slightly SortaGinger

Please give a great big ‘ol Matticus Kingdom welcome to JC or SortaGinger or  whatever Her Awesomeness is going by these days:

When requests for submissions to the Matticus Kingdom were sent out into the blogosphere, I enthusiastically volunteered my services.

Then I realized I would have to write something and that it would have to be somewhat interesting.  I decided to casually ask for ideas on what he would like to see on his blog:

The answer was “just write like you always do”.  And that, good reader, is what you will get today. I have decided to go with the theme of the recent blog entries and come up with the official colors of the Kingdom.    Every Kingdom needs their presence known through flags and banners, showing their colors  to be seen from near and far.

After a cursory evaluation of the site and favored colors (blog white, font black), I came up with three colors to represent the blog, the Matticus Royal Family and all other associated ventures.  Excited for this new project, I gathered my materials:

What?  You thought I could sew, or use MS Paint or something?  What fun is that?

I decided to go with a tri-color tape manicure.  First step is paint your entire nail with the lightest color you plan to use. In this case, it was Milani High-Speed Fast Dry in a Silver Metallic color (it appears to no longer be available, which explains the clearance price I got for it).

After that is completely dry, use tape to section off part of your nail and paint the un-taped area with the next level color.  This is OPI Designer Series in Extravagance, a nice burgundy with rainbow micro-glitter.  This part went well, better than my last attempt at a tape manicure with two colors.  Just ignore the one slightly slanted line on that finger there.  I SAID IGNORE IT.

Finally, after that coat is dry, I used tape again to make a diagonal line and painted the un-taped area with Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure in Navy (also appears to be discontinued or limited edition; I am all about the clearance aisles).   Here are the final results, with and without flash:

This was my first time using three colors and the diagonal lines started to waver some.  Or a lot.  I post all my self-manicure pictures with the disclaimer that they are messy, but I did try my best this time for the honor of the Kingdom.   Seeing as they are new parents, I am going to say the messy lines represent not sweating the small stuff and maybe sleep deprivation.

There you have it.  What I think to be the “official” colors of the Matticus Kingdom, whether they like it or not.    What colors would you have chosen?

Thank you Matticus for letting me into the Kingdom today.  Love the moat!

……….

Marvelous!  Not only do we now have official colors, but we also seem to have an offical crest/design/coat of arms… or nails, as the case may be.  And what a glaring error on my part to not have put together a more formal banner for my kingdom and/or spruce up my little piece of the blogosphere with something more than white background and black font.  I’d say I’ll get right on fixing that, but…  well, I’ve got one little thing going on right now that is taking precedence over everything else.  So, you’ll just have to deal with my lack of color, or just keep coming back to this post when you need some beyond black and white.

Or, you could always check out these great examples of “color” over in JC’s section of the blogosphere:
http://sortaginger.com/messy-manicure-monday-482013/
http://sortaginger.com/messy-manicure-monday-32513/
http://sortaginger.com/messy-manicure-monday-2252013/

Also, with a little less color:
http://sortaginger.com/the-road-to-okay/
http://sortaginger.com/flowers-hank-hill-and-beauty-in-nature/
http://sortaginger.com/themes-numbers-spam-175/

TAGGED again

KnowledgeKnut tagged me!  We are back in the schoolyard again.  And I’m okay with it.  I always liked tag.  In the scouts we played a slightly nastier version of the game called “Ditch-em.”  In the polite versions of that game those who weren’t “it” just completely disappeared making it impossible to be found and tagged.  In the less polite versions of the game we set up tricks and traps for those chasing us.

A visual representation of the current game:

For some reason I feel like Uncle Sam is pointing in my direction…  Anyone else feel that way?  Hmm, either Uncle Sam or maybe Smokey the Bear.  Speaking of scouts I can’t remember how many times we almost burned down something…  but, that’s another story altogether.  Let’s get on with the game, shall we?  We shall…

Rules:

1. Post these rules
2. Post a photo of yourself (if you want to) and eleven random facts about yourself
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

– 2 – Eleven random facts about me:
1. I’m feeling a bit odd today.
3. Did I mention the scouts?  Yeah, I’m an eagle.
5. I definitely think rules are meant to be stretched to the limits.
7. I only almost accidentally burned down my house once.  It involved fireworks.  I was in junior high.
9. I’ve posted a few pictures of me in some of the previous games of tag I was pulled into.  If you are feeling less lazy than me, you can search for them and, er, um, check me out.
11. It’s not that I’m lazy so much as that I’m not getting a lot of sleep these days.  The little prince isn’t yet on any sort of discernible schedule.

– 3 – Questions from KnowledgeKnut and my answers:

1.  If you could spend time with someone who inspired(s) you, who would that be?
My maternal grandfather.  (Mom, I’m not just saying that to see if I can get you to cry.)

2.  Why?
He was an amazing man… and if half of the memories I have of him, and half of the stories I’ve heard about him are true at all, he was more than an amazing man.  I never got to spend much time with him when I was old enough to appreciate the wisdom and experiences I could get from him.  I’d love to have that opportunity now.

3.  If you could be the opposite sex for one week, what would you do?
I plead the fifth.

4.  What is your dream car?
I’m not really a car guy.  If had the money I’d probably buy a corvette…

5. What is something you’ve always wanted to say to someone but never had the nerve?
I’m sure there have been things, but I don’t remember them.  For the most part I try to speak my mind.

6.  When you forgive someone, can you forget?
Yes

7.  If you could be any Royal (dead or alive), who would you be?
Me.  The Jester of the Matticus Kingdom.  Duh!

8.  Why?
Because being the Jester is total awesomesauce.

9. Your favorite movie has became your reality, what is the movie and what part are you playing?
Too many choices…. too many…. too… *beep* sorry, you have fried the Jester’s brain (nice going there wiseguy), please bear with us as we try to get things up and running again…. *beep*

If they ever make the Dark Tower series into a movie (or 7… or 14…).  I would be Roland Deschain of Gilead. 

10. Your goal is to become famous, how do you plan to do that?
With the wordiness of my wordy words, of course.

11.  When you are gone (dead) what is the one thing that you want to remembered for?
My wordy words.  Didn’t we just cover that?

– 4 – Questions and people I’m tagging:
1. Coke or Pepsi?
2. Why?
3. Mac or PC?
4. Why?
5. Tastes Great or Less Filling?
6. Why?
7. Why is the answer to life, the universe and everything “42?”
8. Pen or pencil?
9. Why?
10. Manual or automatic?
11. Why?

(Thanks to my brilliant wife who helped me come up with this list of questions.  She is AMAZING.)

You’ve been tagged:
1. Jon
2. Jen
3. MerBear
4. Steph
5. Tony
6. (Aunt) Princess Rosebud
7. The Imaginator
8. The Scribbler
9. Mr. Atheist
10. Matrone Bell
11. Rara
12. Jenn
13. The Foodie Farmer

Each of these wonderful bloggers has guest blogged for me in the last couple of weeks, picking up the slack around the kingdom while my efforts have been focussed elsewhere.  And how do I repay them?  I tag them, of course!  Don’t you wish you had guest blogged for me too??!!

Of course you do!

Guest Post: The Wisdom of Snobapple and Horribilis!

Ask Helen and Hyacinth

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Mrs. Helen Snobapple graduated cum laude from the Pretensioso School of Snobbery. No need to kneel before her better-than-thou feet, however. She prides herself on being accessible to the peasantry, 24-7.

Mrs. Hyacinth Horribilis graduated from Bombastica University, also cum laude, with a degree in Etiquette Communications.  She prides herself in knowing the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork and in knowing the proper way to berate wait staff.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

My dog poops lavender biscuits, and always has the best manners. Yet some of the residents in my gated community have mongrels for pets. How do I politely tell them that their dog is vile to my little Muffy’s delicate sensibilities?

– Surrounded by Mongrels, Alexandria

Dear Surrounded:

Make sure to always look at them down your nose.
Never return their smiles, and walk away in a huff
when their dog soils itself. If none of this works,
egg their car.

– Helen

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

Recently I hosted a garden party and invited the ladies of the Homeowners’ Association and their spouses. One lady, whom I will call “Sylvia”, has always been jealous of my parties. This time she had the nerve to embarrass me in front of the entire party by announcing that she’d found a dandelion in the lawn. Is there any way to put a positive spin on the situation so I can show my face at the meetings again?

– Held a Garden Party and Her Head Popped Off, in Crofton, MD

Dear Popped Off:

There is nothing worse than being caught in a
garden faux pas by someone with delusions of
grandeur. First, contact a lawn care company.
Immediately. Second, write the words Tik Dask,
Tuig Oral, and Loqui Ad Culis on a note card.
The next time you see “Sylvia”, remind her that
she was asking about the lovely yellow Swedish
Tik Dask flowers and thought she’d like to know
that the ancient Tuig Oral tribes used the flower
in their Loqui Ad Culis ceremony. Then walk away
and imagine her face when she finally discovers
that you told her it’s a “b*tch sl@p” flower that the
“jerks everywhere” tribe used in their “talking with
@$$holes” ceremony. Sometimes it’s okay to
soil your hands a bit when dealing with upstarts.

– Hyacinth

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

One day I happened upon a petrified turd in a neighbor’s yard. I was aghast that they had the audacity to defile my neighborhood with such an abomination. Whatever shall I do?

– Aghast in Savannah

Dear Aghast:

It’s obvious that these people do not care about
taking care of our property values, or they would
not allow stray turds to fall behind. Report them
straight away to the poop Nazis, and then charge
them high waste removal fees. Then, egg their
house.

– Helen

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

I purchased a garden flag for my front flower bed. It has a letter “R” on the front – the first letter of our last name – in Comic Sans font. My homeowner’s association is telling me that the flag needs to be removed because they use the more elegant Vivaldi font elsewhere in my community. Can they do that?
– Comic in Weston, Mass.

Dear Comic:

Not only can they ask you to remove the flag, they
should ask you to remove the flag! Comic Sans is
beneath your station as a member of a proper,
dignified community. Perhaps you should ask
yourself if you really belong there. Or perhaps
a nice apartment would better suit your needs.
Good luck.

– Hyacinth

Snobapple and Horribilis: Advising Homeowners’ Associations since 2013

……….

If the Jester could stop laughing, he’d tell you to go visit Jen and MerBear poste haste.  Jen blogs it so she doesn’t lose it and MerBear will knock you over with a feather… or with some humor… or with some truth.  Either way you are bound to amazed by what you find in their sections of the blogosphere.

My questions for them: Who is Helen and who is Hyacinth?  And why do I suddenly feel like watching “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead?”

The Jester doesn’t like to make formal decrees, but in this case, he strongly suggests that you check out these great reads:

http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-depressed-person/
http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/dragons-haiku-of-legendary-creatures/

http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/gemini-zodiac-poems/
http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/pac-man-ate-my-lincoln-logs/

http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/my-child-revisited-a-poem/
http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/coal-barges-vincentorama/