SS Q and A

I know what you are thinking: Matticus, what does SS stand for?  Something Stupid.  Silly Sisters.  Savory Snacks.  There are just so many options!  But, this week, SS stands for Steven Seagal.  That’s right!  Musician, martial arts expert, friend of the environment and terrible actor.  But, that hasn’t stopped me from pulling in several of his movie quotes into my lexicon.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you are always so serious?
A: “I’d like to make something very clear: I don’t have rage. I’m a happy guy. You see this face? This is a happy face”
– Orin Boyd – Exit Wounds

Q: What should you say to someone who has just insulted you?
A: “I can’t believe you can still eat with that mouth.”
– Det. Gino Fellino – Out for Justice

Q: What should you say when someone asks about the angel and devil that used to sit on your shoulders?
A: “One thought he was invincible… the other thought he could fly.”
– John Hatcher – Marked for Death

Q: What should you say about someone who you’d really like to see six feet under but won’t do it yourself?
A: “I wouldn’t dirty my bullets.”
– Forrest Taft – On Deadly Ground

Q: What should you say when you get pulled over and the cop asks why you were speeding?
A: “Let’s face it, I don’t believe in authority.”
– Jack Taggart – Fire Down Below

*I’d like to take a moment here to remind you all that these are for laughs only and should not be attempted in the real world.  We absolve ourselves of any jail time or other consequences should you actually insult an officer when you have been pulled over.*

Q: What should you say to your daughter when she first starts talking about boys?
A: “No dating until you are 40.”
– Dr. Wesley McClaren – The Patriot

Q: What should you say to a random girl you find yourself having drinks with at a bar?
A: “You’re Machete’s girl. I know, cause you’re his type.”
– Rogelio Torrez – Machete

Q: What should you say when you didn’t do as well at something as you wanted to?
A: “Number 4? I wanna be number 1.”
– Nico Toscani – Above the Law

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you are good at?
A: “I’m just a cook”
– Casey Ryback – Under Siege

Q: What should you say when playing chess with someone and they’ve left themselves open for checkmate?
A: “’Cause if that’s the best you got, I’m just gonna have to kill you.”
– Lt. Jack Cole – The Glimmer Man

………

Do you have an actor you love to hate?  Someone you agree is terrible but that you still watch all their movies anyway?  I bet you do.  But, really, who can argue with a martial arts action flick… they are just so much fun!  Here there be cooks and cops, black bets and rock stars, and glimmering, lots and lots of glimmering, and, as always, a monster.  Thanks for playing along.

second date

“Give me your heart.”

“What?”

“Hand.  Give me your hand.”

“Where are we going?”

“There’s this cute new restaurant a block over I want to try.”

“Is it spicy?”

“No, it’s savory.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

“Don’t even pretend like you didn’t have a good time.”

“Can’t we just order a pizza?”

“I know you are just trying to get under my skin.”

“Always.  I’m a stickler for consistency.”

“You’re something.”

“You wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Sometimes I just want to kiss you.”

“Kiss me?”

“Kill you!”

“I think I’d prefer the kiss.”

“Well, you are getting spicy food instead.”

“I thought you said it was savory.”

“Can’t I be both?”

“Hah!  What?”

“Can’t it be both.”
“The food.”
“The restaurant.”
“That’s it.  No more talking until after we eat!”

“How are we going to place our orders then?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was promptless, and then I was prompted!  Queen Creative are at it again:

pftpep-s3ep9
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

A noun that refers to a “slip of the tongue”.  Malapropisms and spoonerisms are two examples.

Suggested Prompts:

  • Write a story based around a slip of the tongue
  • Tell us about the time you let a secret slip
  • List your top 3 television/movie “lapsus linguae” moments
  • Share your favorite spoonerism or malapropism
  • … or make up your own related prompt!

Silver Q and A

And on and on we go, tackling moves that punch above their weight, only this time I will try not to offend anyone…

Maybe…

(Not sure what’s going on, start here and all* of life’s mysteries will be revealed to you.)

*I highly doubt this is a factual statement, but strangers things have happened.

Let’s see what I’ve learned and used from “Silverado.”

It’s me.  You knew I’d have to do a western at some point…

Q: What should you say when you realize you should stop before you do something foolish?
A: “Today, my jurisdiction ends here. Pick up my hat.”
– Sheriff Langston (John Cleese)

Q: What should you say when someone doesn’t believe you will keep your word?
A: “Well, if we don’t you can keep my brother.”
– Emmett (Scott Glenn)

Q: What you should you say to your closest friends every chance you get?
A: “You know, hangin’ around with you is no picnic.”
– Paden (Kevin Kline)

Q: What should you say when someone asks the best time to reach you?
A: “I’m always there, but I only shine at night.”
– Stella (Linda Hunt)

Q: What should you say when someone is pestering you, a telemarketer for example?
A: “I got things to do, kid, I’m a busy man.”
– Jake (Kevin Costner)

Q: What should you say when you’ve caught someone in the act of doing something you aren’t very happy about?
A: “We’re gonna give you a fair trial, followed by a first class hanging.”
– Cobb (Brian Dennehy)

Q: What should you say when you are about to start a neighborhood block party?
A: “I got my people down there throwin’ snowballs and rarin’ to go.”
– Hobart (Brion James)

Q: What should you say when you get home from work and you are handed the honey-do list?
A: “I wanted a drink and a bed. I guess I came to the wrong place.”
– Mal (Danny Glover)

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you want out of life?
A: “I want to build something. Make things grow. That takes hard work. A lifetime of it. That’s not why a man comes to a pretty woman. After a while I won’t be so pretty. But this land will be.”
– Hannah (Rosanna Arquette)

Q: What should you say when you walk into the employment office to look for a job?
A: “Excuse me, Sheriff, I’m a gambler who’d like to run an honest game in your town. To whom do I speak about that?”
– Slick (Jeff Goldblum)

………

To prove the point of how awesome this movie is I only used one quote from each character.  Did you see those names?  Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Kline, Kevin Costner, Danny Glover, John Cleese…  This movie is fantastic.  Here there be gun battles, love, devotion, bravery, chivalry, and all kinds of western bravado including more than a few monsters.  Thanks for playing along.

It’s all gone Q and A

Continuing this week on the new theme where I highlight a film that punches above it’s weight, today, we are going to see what I’ve learned from a deaf DJ in It’s All Gone Pete Tong.

(All previous iterations of the Q and A silliness can be found here.  As if you didn’t already know that.  Let’s make a game of it.  Who can collect them all first?)

(Wait?  What?)

(Never mind.)

Some of these may not be suitable for small children, the elderly, and anyone who gets offended easily.  You’ve been warned.  Just as you were warned last week.

Q: What should you say when you have an amazing life experience and are considering how to profit from it?
A: “Maybe I should write a book. That might take years though, perhaps a pamphlet or brochure.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say to someone who sounds terrible?
A: “You’re talking like a 95 year old war vet. Frank, you need professional help.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks you about your newest musical endeavor?
A: “We’re bending the sounds. I’ve been forging it. With a lyrical smelter.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: You find yourself in an important meeting, your coworker has just basically told off your boss after being asking provide something and you need to smooth things over, what do you say?
A: “I think what he’s trying to say is even though he feels that he has nothing to prove to you, he’d be happy to prove anything you want, to you.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks you what your favorite type of footwear is?
A: “Flip flop is to me perfection.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say when your parents ask you about someone you used to hang out with back in school?
A: “I’ve heard some stories. This guy supposedly saw him in New York wearing a garbage bag for a hat and shoeboxes on his feet and he had a rock, and he was trying to eat it like a sandwich.”
– Max Haggar (Mike Wilmot)

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you plan on doing with your life?
A: “I was thinking, you know Paul Newman’s got his salad dressing and that? So why not Frankie Wilde Hummus?”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: What should you say when someone asks how you could have made a certain decision against them?
A: “Well, business is tough and sometimes you have to make awkward decisions and I’ve made harder decisions than dropping the deaf DJ.”
– Jack Stoddart (Neil Maskell)

Q: What should you say when you are out at a club, hammered, and someone asks what you are doing?
A: “No, I’m not gonna fuck her. I’m knackered. I’m just gonna have a nosh.”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

Q: You are sitting poolside, enjoying a refreshing beverage, and someone interrupts you to ask how your drink is, what should you respond?
A: “It’s like bad speed in a can. We’ve all had bad speed haven’t we?”
– Frankie Wilde (Paul Kaye)

A whole bunch of silly, and then bam-bam, hit you with two offensive ones at the end.  Well, I warned you at the top, didn’t I?  *scrolls up to double check*  Yes, yes I did.

………

Have you watched this movie?  I was shocked at how much I liked it.  After having previously watched “Go” and “Groove” I was expecting something silly and mostly terrible.  And I wasn’t disappointed.  It is silly, it is terrible, and it is fantastic.  Here there be drugs, and beats, and redemption again, and love, and one badger monster.  Thanks for playing along.

In Q and A Bruges

This may be the start of a whole new series of Q and A – where I highlight a film that punches above it’s weight: it’s better than it should be.  Today, we are going to see what I’ve learned from a couple contract killers taking a “vacation” In Bruges.

(All previous iterations of the Q and A silliness can be found here.)

Some of these may not be suitable for small children, the elderly, and anyone who gets offended easily.  You’ve been warned.

Q: What should you say when you are perfectly content at home and someone suggests going on a trip to a place you’ve never even heard of?
A: “Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn’t, so it doesn’t.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

*You were warned about offensiveness.  You can’t say that you weren’t.*

Q: What should you say when someone compliments you on the attractive nature of your female companion at a social gathering?
A: “She’s ain’t my girlfriend. She’s a prostitute I just picked up.”
– Jimmy (Jordan Prentice)

*Again, offensiveness, you warned – and if you aren’t enjoying these, you should probably skip the next one.*

Q: What should you say to someone when you are finally ready to tell them off once and for all.?
A: “I mean no disrespect, but you’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, and you’ve always been a cunt. And the only thing that’s going to change is that you’re going to be an even bigger cunt.”
– Ken (Brendan Gleeson)

*Did you skip it or risk it?  How’d that work out for you?*

Q: When you are on vacation and someone asks how you are enjoying yourself, what should you answer?
A: “Maybe that’s what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

*I figure if you’ve made this far and haven’t headed any of the warnings, you know what you are doing and are on your own for the rest.*

Q: What should you say to someone who’s stupidity and uselessness leaves you too flummoxed and frustrated to think straight?
A: “You’re an inanimate fuckin’ object!”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

Q: What should you say when you are at a bar ordering drinks for yourself and a friend and your friend wants something “light?”
A: “One gay beer for my gay friend, one normal beer for me because I am normal.”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you didn’t recognize them when they passed you on the street earlier?
A: “I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today; Wasn’t waving hello to anybody. Except… maybe to a horse.”
– Jimmy (Jordan Prentice)

Q: What should you say when you find yourself talking to a couple people who you can’t understand and aren’t quite sure you should be anywhere near to begin with?
A: “You two are weird. Would you like some cocaine?”
– Ray (Colin Farrell)

Q: What should you say when you are in a gun shop, browsing, and the clerk asks if you’ve seen the latest Uzi models?
A: “An Uzi? I’m not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn’t come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

And for the grand finale, this one only works if you have two people “playing along:”

Q: “Why don’t you both put your guns down, and go home?”
– Marie (Thekla Reuten)
A: “Don’t be stupid. This is the shootout.”
– Harry (Ralph Fiennes)

Don’t forget to come back next week where I will either try to offend even more people or I’ll profusely apologize for everyone I offended this week.

………

Have you watched this movie?  Netflix, when I had the service, recommended it to me and one day I finally relented and watched it, and then I watched it again and laughed even hard the second time around.  It’s got everything: drama, love, comedy, action.  It’s almost the perfect movie.  Here there be gun battles, a few deaths, redemption, love, and all kinds of over-the-top ridiculousness, and one very bad monster.  Thanks for playing along.