The Note I Almost Wrote

It has been more than 30 years since my attempt. It is misconception that a suicide requires a note. I had one written in my mind. It has stayed with me along with many of the prevailing feelings. The triggering beast lingers with a glance or (un)spoken word. Here it is.

Dear Daddy, Mom and (Sis),

Thank you all for deciding to be gone today. When you return, I will be gone. My body will be here and for that, I apologize. The mess that I am will be gone.

I don’t want to write this because if I fail, just add it to the list.

You may have noticed that ‘A’ doesn’t come around much. I told her to stay the fuck away.

Daddy, I said horrible words to you…they were awful enough to make you put hands on me. The idea was to make you believe sis was better. I think to an extent it worked. Our relationship changed in the weeks after that.

If I fail I will have to accept accountability.

I am nothing but a fuck up. If it is not fucked up and I touch it, it will die (aka I will have fucked it up).

You all don’t need that.

I love you and I do apologize.

Jaded.

I Do That

She called me
unable to disguise the disgust in her tone.
She told me that he hadn’t changed his clothes in a week
and she asked me, “Who does that?”

She called me
unable to conceal the contempt in her tone.
She told me that he hadn’t removed his face from his electronic device
and she asked me, “Who does that?”

She called me
unable to mask the malice in her tone.
She told me that he only left the place to buy -.
and asked me, “Who does that?”

Fast forward 10 years.

I want to return her call.

I want to tell her.

I do that.

One Fleeting Moment

An old one from the archives of my mind. I hope you enjoy.

For one fleeting moment you were there
to deftly snatch me from the despair
that threatened to devour me.

The ravenous creature
beat a retreat
as it sensed your presence.

It turned and gave me a sly wink
that seemed to say, “I will return,
much sooner than you think.”

But it didn’t matter at all
because for that fleeting moment
you were there.

Embracing the Darkness

I open my eyes;
it is so dark.
I blink furiously,
and wait for my eyes
to adjust to the light.

Nothing changes.

Still pitch black.

The fight or flight
response is triggered,
but I can do neither
in a paralyzing fear.

I remember
and I feel
your essence
and presence.

You calm me.
You swaddle me.
You soothe me.

You make me realize
that you are
my protector
and my healer.

You are my Darkness.

I embrace you.

I relax and close my eyes.

Stiff Competition

Which is more potent,
a word
or
a knife?

Each is a means to
an end
of
a life.

Both can strike
without prediction.

Both can wound
with self-infliction.

Word delivers
spoken
lashes.

Knife delivers
welted
slashes.

Word targets mind
with verbal assault.

Knife targets skin
with fracture and fault.

Word creates chaos as
mind
breaks
within.

Knife creates mayhem as
blade
breaks
the skin.

Which is more potent,
a word
or
a knife?

Each is a means to
the end
of
a life.