explosion

Onesie?

Yes.

Pants?

Yes.

Jacket?

Yes.

Socks?

Really?

Yes.

How?

Poop physics have not yet been fully studied.  Who can say for sure how it got on the socks.

Oh yes, we will remember for a long time how very far from home we were for the great poop explosion of December 07, 2013…

It was in the turkey’s best interest

So, I was gifted a turkey.  It was plump and cute and, well, I feared for it’s health, so I decided it needed to undergo a bit of surgery.  Sort of like a nip/tuck.  Sort of like a stomach staple.  Well, you’ll see.

*Warning – the following pictures are very graphic and may not be suitable for all ages*

First, I gave the turkey a bit of a anesthesia so that it wouldn’t suffer during the procedure.  We here in the kingdom think it is important to treat all creatures humanely.

Then I made a small incision to withdraw some of the excess fat:

Don’t worry, while his eyes appear to be open, he definitely wasn’t aware of anything that was going on.

After removing a healthy portion of the turkey’s excess filling, I quickly closed up the incision.

I know he looks a little out of sorts in the above picture, but that’s just because the anesthesia had yet to fully wear off.  Still, doesn’t he look better?  Of course he does!  We aim to please here in the kingdom.

In fact, the procedure went so well with this little guy, that 2 more of his siblings have signed up for the same procedure…

What?

Turkeys need to watch their weight too, don’t they?

Don’t pay any attention to the mug with vanilla bean ice cream and turkey guts…  That is not the delicious dessert you are looking for.

burning down the house

I stopped by Domestic Disaster Diary again today to share another humorous tale of culinary catastrophic woe. Go check it out and make sure you are caught up on all the other wonderfully silly posts over there too.

742 Evergreen Q and A

I can’t believe I haven’t already done this one…

Shame on me.  Shame, shame, shame.

This week’s theme is fairly evident, if you haven’t figured it out just based on the post title, then shame on you!  It’s, of course, all quotes from The Simpsons Movie.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say whenever someone brings up “what’s-her-name?”
A: “Clap for Alaska!”
– Homer (Dan Castellaneta)

Q: What should you say when someone asks for advice?
A: “Anyone can pick something when they know what it is; It takes real leadership to pick something you’re clueless about.”
– Russ Cargill (Albert Brooks)

Q: What should you say when the plane you are on is about to take off?
A: “Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.”
– Ned Flanders (Harry Shearer)

Q: What should you say when you are backseat driving?
A: “Look, we can’t keep stopping at every “sop”, “yeld”, or “one vay” sign!”
– EPA Passenger (Hank Azaria)

Q: What should you say whenever someone asks about your family?
A: “I wish Homer was my father.”
– Todd Flanders (Nancy Cartwright)

Q: What should you say when someone asks about where you grew up?
A: “This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare!”
– Lisa (Yeardley Smith)

Q: What should you say when someone asks what your current job is?
A: “Well, I don’t like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.”
– Moe (Hank Azaria)

Q: What should you say when someone says you made a mistake?
A: “That could be anybody’s Pig Crap silo.”
– Homer (Dan Castellaneta)

Q: What should you say when someone asks if they did something right?
A: “Actually, you’ve doomed us all. Again.”
– Bart (Nancy Cartwright)

Q: What should you say every single time you leave a building?
A: “Bye, everybody!”
– Dr. Nick (Hank Azaria)

………

I will never grow tired of watching The Simpsons on TV or on Film.  They always find a way to tickle my funny bone.  And while I will admit that sometimes the episodes can blur into one another, that isn’t reason enough to walk away from the characters.  Every generation has that one show that came on at the right time and then grew up with them.  The Simpsons is that for me.  Here there be fierce pacifier wielding babies, smart saxophone playing girls, crazy trouble making boys, tired peace keeping moms, and Homer.  There are no monsters.  Thanks for playing along.

Can’t Hardly Q and A

This week’s theme is fairly evident, if you haven’t figured it out just based on the post title, it’s all quotes from Can’t Hardly Wait.  This series was thrown together based on a request from The Queen.  It was on TV a few weeks ago, we were watching it, and she was amazed with how many lines I knew.  She said, “This should be one of your movie posts,” and now it is.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say to someone who says they are good at tanning?
A: “There’s a mirror right there. Take a look, you’re white.”
– Denise (Lauren Ambrose)

Q: While discussing favorite female character roles with friends, what should you add to the conversation?
A: “You know who else I like that didn’t get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.”
– Stoner Guy (Brian Klugman)

Q: What should you say to someone who is questioning the direction their life is headed?
A: “Fate! There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it’s up to you to make it happen.”
– Angel Stripper (Jenna Elfman)

Q: What should you say to a friend who is grieving over a lost relationship?
A: “You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There’s plenty of ’em in the sea.”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

Q: I don’t really have a question for this one.  I just like it.  But, if you think of a question to go with this as the answer leave it in the comments.
A: “I roll up on that shorty be like, “What’s up yo?” she be like, “You don’t know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa” cuz I don’t yo.”
– Kenny Fisher (Seth Green)

Q: What should you say to your flock?
A: “You are all sheep. Baah!”
– Earth Girl (Sara Rue)

Q: What should you say after taking the first sip of a newly tapped keg?
A: “Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

Q: What should you say to your girlfriend/wife/significant other when they ask how they look in a new outfit?
A: “Seriously, and you’re like Gwyneth.”
– Rachel (Jennifer Lyons)

Q: What should you say when someone calls you weird?
A: “You’re the one calling Barry Mannilow from a phone booth at 2:00 am”
– Angel Stripper (Jenna Elfman)

Q: What should you say any time you are really excited about something?
A: “I can’t feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!”
– William (Charlie Korsmo)

………

I have no problem admitting that I love this movie.  Come on, the geeky aspiring writer gets the girl.  What could be better than that, right?  How about you: have you seen it? did you like it? do you have a guilty pleasure movie? do you like Barry Manilow?  Here there be love, true love, comedy, jocks, kleptomaniacs, stoners, nerds, and every other cliche high school group, even the monsters.  Thanks for playing along.