This is What Happens…

Hello, Kingdomers….uhhh… Kingdomites…. or whatever the followers of this here blog call themselves. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Revis Edgewater; First Knight of the Matticus Kingdom and co-author of the Jester’s book, The Erratic Sun. If you don’t already have it, I’ll wait patiently while you either go here for the paperback version or here for the Kindle version. Now that I’ve gotten that shameless plug out of the way, let me get on with telling you why I’m here.

Normally, I play on my own blog, but since both Matticus and I contributed to what you’re about to read next, I figured I’d stop on by the Kingdom. It’s been a while since I’ve made my presence felt here anyway.

Below is an exchange that took place between Matticus and I earlier today. This is what happens when we have enough time to email each other while we’re at work:

Revis: To err is human. Wait…. you’re human, right? Or are you some cybernetic jester from the future who also happens to write????

Matticus: I’m not a robot.  Definitely not.  Trust me. *creepy grin*

R: Damn, I was hoping for a robot friend. If Fry gets Bender, how come I can’t get one?

M: You make a valid argument about the Fry/Bender situation.  Though, they both also have a Cyclops for a friend… so… even  if I was a robot, which I’m most definitely not, we are both still getting gipped in the friendship department. 

Also, we need a space ship.

R: Well, we don’t have a cyclops friend, but we do have a dinosaur friend. Does that count? We also have a ship. It’s called the Erratic Sun, remember? We just can’t fly it…. 

M: We do have a dinosaur friend, that’s very true.  And I have a ninja-knight, a knightly ninja, as a friend.  Can’t get much cooler than that.  And, yes, we do have a spaceship.  A very nice one.  I’m not sure why you can’t fly it?  I’ve taken it for a couple spins around the galaxy…

R: Wait, Terry lets you fly it??? He never lets me!

M: Hmm… That’s weird. I’ll have a word with him next time I see him.

R: Yeah,  whenever I ask to fly it, he mumbles something about not wanting to die…

M: Have you given him a reason for doubting your ability to pilot the thing?

R: There was that one time I crashed that hovercar because I saw a squirrel, but that wouldn’t happen in the Sun. There aren’t any squirrels in space.

M: Squirrels in Space, the movie.

R: Oh, sure. Take Terry’s side. I see how you are.

M: That’s not what I was doing!! I was changing the subject….  😛

R: Yeah, right. I bet you two go out on weekends and party without me…

M: Only once or twice.

R: I knew it! I’m the third wheel!

M: No!!! … you actually have to be around to be considered the third wheel, right? 😛

R: Do you think Al Gore would’ve still invented the Internet if he knew that this was the kind of stuff we’d do with it?

M: Yes!  He’s the biggest prankster of all!

 

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Jesterly Challenge Month – November 6th

You are in for a real treat today.  GMan, in perhaps his first ever comment left on the Kingdom, grandfather of the Little Prince, has entered the fray and challenged me to provide comedic comments on the presidential candidates in iambic pentameter (altogether now: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM (for the most part)), taking no prisoners.  Give it a read and let me know how I did in the comments.

…..
…..

I fear, I know, the truth you shall not like,
It’s hard to tell who wins the crown of worst,
The hag, the hair, the red, the son (or bro),
The doc, the veep (has yet to launch, all hype).
And on and on the list is long, absurd.
So sit and hang on, watch the crazy show.

I see no good, no point, in left or right.
The reps and dems, the cons and libs, all stink,
Of sins and greed, and rotting in the sink.
They stand on stages, with flags and suits, to fight,
They look the part, all trussed up, quite the sight,
Until they speak and then we see they’re finks.

I vote my heart and mind, in truth I do.
This crop of perps, they need some help, a clue.
In Trump we have a fool, but joke’s on us.
Clinton is full of lies and dark secrets.
And Jeb, a Bush, is green and craves office.
Sanders, confused, is on the wrong ticket.

I think I failed this test of rhyme and wit.
I broke a rule or two, some here, some there.
But true, at least, I stayed on task throughout.
The same cannot be said of our elects.
They flip and flop and show no honest care,
With forked, split tongues, the hidden devil shouts.

…..
…..

In my defense, I wrote this before Biden publicly declared he wasn’t going to be running, so that line no longer makes sense.  Also, from my “extensive” research it seemed that the da-DUM stressing is pretty forgiving.  So, hopefully you’ll also be pretty forgiving.

round and round we go…

Plastic is the devil.  Which is interesting, considering that plastic was introduced as the savior of the environment.  “Use plastic bags to carry your groceries and you’ll be saving trees, the world, and, therefore, your souls.”  But, now we’ve learned the error of our ways and it is on to the next.  Round and round we go…

So, in California a law has been signed that outlaws the use of plastic bags in big chain stores starting next July, and rolled out to all stores in 2016.  Instead, consumers are being urged to use cloth bags or pay a surcharge for the use of paper bags.  (Wait, aren’t paper bags bad for the environment too?  Isn’t that why we started using plastic in the first place.  Now I’m confused…  But, I’m sure the ten cents per bag is being used to fund tree planting operations, right?  I’m sure that makes it okay.)

But, since we have proven to be shortsighted on these decisions in the past (really, who could have known all those plastic bags would wind up in riverbeds and clinging to the fences and shrubs that line our roads?) it does beg the question: when cloth bags are determined to also be bad for the environment (water wasted washing them?) or our health (unwashed or improperly washed bags make lovely homes for salmonella) what device for carrying our groceries will be forced upon us next?

How about reusing cardboard boxes to store and transport groceries like Costco and Trader Joe’s do?  Since the stores receive their goods in boxes in the first place, what happens to those?  They should definitely be given out to consumers to transport the goods rather than manufacturing new cloth bags for everyone to buy, spoil, and trash.  Right?  (I suggest buying copious amounts of stock in cardboard companies right now!  Buy early and often, as I always say.  (Yes, I say the same about voting.))  And then, being good stewards of the environment, as we have unanimously shown over the course of human “civilization,” I’m sure all those consumers would recycle the cardboard boxes after they were done with them.  Right?  (They certainly wouldn’t find their way to landfills or riverbeds or city streets…)

Though, there probably aren’t enough boxes to accommodate all purchases on a daily basis, so that option isn’t entirely feasible.  Dilemma, am I right?  But, why do we need bags (or boxes) at all?  Everything was in a cart (or buggy, if you prefer) or basket in the store, why can’t we all just push the carts to our cars and load everything up directly like that?  The onus should be on car manufacturers to install grocery receptacles in trunk spaces rather than trying to figure out how to get the goods from the store to the car in the first place.  We already do that.  Every time.  The goods always show up at our cars (like magic), so why do we need something additional to make that happen?  We don’t!  Problem solved.

We in the kingdom plan on taking that route, forgoing bagging contraptions altogether: one less thing to worry about!  (I’m always forgetting those stupid reusable bags anyway.)  But, we’d love to hear your solutions.  Do you have a brilliant idea?  Do you have a ridiculous idea?  We are open for both and everything in-between.  This is California, after all.

Revis and Matticus Save the Kingdom Chapter 31

After the initial shock wore off, Matticus was immediately confused by Goldfish’s presence before him. “You’re a mermaid,” he stated. “How are you floating?”

“You aren’t the only people who have travelled through the portals. I went through one and found a group of other mermaids. They were able to float as if they were underwater, even though there were times when it seemed like they weren’t underwater. They called themselves ‘Bubble Guppies’.”

From out of nowhere, Steph appeared. “You’ve been to the Bubble Guppy world?”

Unsure of how to react to this sudden appearance, Goldfish hesitantly answered, “Yeah.”

“Where’s the portal?”

Goldfish pointed to a doorway off to the side of the room. Without a word, Steph walked over to the door and stepped through. Goldfish looked at Revis. Her expression showed that she wanted an explanation, but all he could do was shrug.

Suddenly, from the doorway, they heard a loud crashing sound. It was soon followed by the sounds of screaming. The screams were horrible, lasting for several minutes. All the three of them could do was try to cover their ears from the noise. When it was finally over, they all sighed in relief.

A minute later, Steph emerged from the portal, carrying a pole with a giant orange fish head speared through it. “They deserved that,” she explained, disappearing again as quickly as she came.

Matticus looked at the other two people and asked, “What the hell was that about?”

“Well…” Revis stalled.

Matticus raised his eyebrows demanding further explanation.  He flicked his eyes briefly to make sure Goldfish wasn’t going to attack them but she seemed just as interested in the knight’s answer.

After a minute of thought, Revis shrugged his shoulders again, “It’s Steph’s story to tell, not mine.  You’ll have to ask her.”

The Jester scowled and Goldfish rolled her eyes.  The tension in the room seemed to lift for a moment as the three of them eyed each other and considered laughing at what had just happened.

Before any of them ventured a chuckle, Matticus turned back to the sorceress, “Wait, if that was a mermaid that Steph just killed, well, more than one based on all that screaming, aren’t they somehow related to you?  Even if they are from a different world, they are still kin to you somehow, right?”

“What’s your point?”  She responded dryly.

“Aren’t you upset about it?”

Revis shot Matticus a look that was full of daggers, wondering why the Jester would be trying to get the sorceress riled up again, and Matticus ignored him.  He had a plan and getting her angry was the first step.

“Not really.  Sure we are, were, sort of related, but their graphic design was terrible.”

Off to the side, Jaded began to stir. “Ow,” she groaned as she started to rise. Setting her glare at Revis, she complained, “How many times do I have to kill you?”

With a mock bow, Revis replied, “My dear Jaded, you’ve been begging to get shanked for a while now. I’m just happy I was able to help you accomplish that goal.”

Jaded’s eyes narrowed in anger. Shrugging, Revis disappeared again. Turning, Jaded looked to Goldfish for help. Before she could actually ask, an invisible fist slammed into her temple. Once again, she was unconscious. His work done, Revis dropped his invisibility.

“You do know that she’s only did all this because I told her to, right,” Goldfish queried.

“People’s motives don’t concern me,” Revis answered. “If you threaten my family, I’m not going to stop and ask why. I’m going to do what I have to do to neutralize the threat.”

“So,” Matticus interrupted, “why didn’t you stay invisible and attack Goldfish?”

“Because she can see me while I’m invisible,” the Knight explained, giving the sorceress a slight nod.

“Well, that’s a convenient plot twist and highly annoying,” Matticus mumbled.  The Jester was going to say a few other things under his breath, but then latched on to what Goldfish had just said.  “Why were you using Jaded to overtake the Kingdom with sparkly vampires?  Why are you attacking me?”

“You aren’t a vampire,” Matticus continued before Goldfish could respond.  “Were you just using them as a tool to gain more power and eventually take over the kingdom for yourself?  Was this all just some diversion?  A game because you decided you were bored and wanted to spice things up?  What were you hoping to achieve?  What could possibly be worth the loss of life you set into motion?”

“Well,” Goldfish started to respond, shifting uncomfortably from her spot by the throne before being cut off by Matticus.

“You think it is easy ruling a kingdom?  Did you have a problem with some of my decisions?  Did you think you could do a better job?”

“Well,” Goldfish started again, and Matticus cut her off again.

“What reason could you possibly have that makes all this worthwhile?  There isn’t one.  There is nothing you can say to absolve you of everything that has lead to here.  There is nothing that can wipe this stain from your hands… um, fins?  Wait, I’m confused again.”

Goldfish’s eyes narrowed as she glared at the Jester.  Matticus turned expectantly to Revis and raised his arms in the universal “well, aren’t you going to do something gesture.”  When Revis shrugged his shoulders, Matticus rolled his eyes, “I was distracting her so you could attack her…”

This time, it was Revis who rolled his eyes. “That was your plan?”

“Yeah…”

“That was the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard.”

“Stupid?! It was working until you botched the timing of it.”

“Working? Really? You think it was working,” the Knight asked him. Turning to Goldfish, he questioned, “Did that distract you at all? Was his ‘plan’ working?”

Goldfish, not wanting to feel left out, rolled her eyes, as well. “This is the stupidest good guy/bad guy showdown ever. Seriously. Nothing is being accomplished right now.”

Both men just stared at her, waiting for her to actually answer the question. When she didn’t, Revis continued, “See? It didn’t distract her.”

“She didn’t say that,” Matticus argued. “She said…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Revis shoved him. It knocked him a number of step backwards, but the Jester was able to keep his feet. A look of rage crossed his face. “Shove me again and I’ll stick my sword up your…”

Quickly closing the gap, Matticus shoved Revis back. The Knight fell back, but rolled with the push and came up on his feet. He drew his other dagger and took a step towards the Jester.  A smile started playing across Goldfish’s face. It lasted only long enough for her to see Revis throw his dagger at her, with Matticus leaping after it.

The sorceress, trusting in her magic to deflect the thrown weapon, concentrated solely on the sword brandishing Jester.  As the dagger hit her barrier spell and spun around her to clank noisily against the throne, she began to mouth the words of the spell that would put an end to Matticus.  The magic flowed through her and she unleashed it from the tips of her outstretched arms.

Goldfish watched as the curse danced along the air, buzzing with power and death.  She felt as elated watching the proof of another successful spell as she had after her first spell.  The joy of getting to see, hear, and feel the magic working through her had never dimmed over the years.

Her eyes grew wide in expectation as the curse neared her attacker.  But, the Jester brought his flaming sword down just as the spell was about to reach him.  The flames on his sword burned a brilliant blue as they struck her curse and she was forced to look away.  A sizzling sound ripped at her ears and she screamed in pain.

Matticus, unaware that Goldfish had thrown a deadly curse at him, clung desperately to his sword as it vibrated in his hands.  His forward momentum had been halted mid-leap, and he hung suspended in air.  With a loud clap he was thrown backwards across the room and then everything went dark.

 

A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

This was so funny, and rang so true for us, that the Queen and I were laughing reading it until tears ran down our cheeks. True story. Read. Laugh. Enjoy.

The Ugly Volvo

Dear Santa,

 I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups.

And I know you’re ready to make the joke about ten month-old babies and how all we want is the wrapping paper and the boxes.  Touché, SantaTouché.   We do, of course, want those things.  But I have a number of additional things I want very badly.

My list is enclosed below.  Have a lovely holiday.

-Ten Month-Old Baby

*          *          *

A Comprehensive List of The Things I Want For Christmas:

*          *          *

1.) This Laptop Cord

IMG_3109

I want this laptop cord more than I have ever wanted anything.   Please.  I also want the power strip with…

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