Paved With Irony

She merged onto the Interstate to save herself.

The grooves in the road met the treads in the tires with a measured thump-thump, in a cadence so perfect that her heart used it as a metronome to keep pace.

The purr of her car’s engine spoke to the buzzing in her mind and calmed it to a gentle hum.

The exhaust system emitted a throaty growl as the tailpipe exhaled sweet fumes. In a normal response she would have inhaled deeply to saturate her brain cells with the life-robbing gas. Tonight, she allowed her lungs steady and mindful breaths.

Her thoughts wandered, but her peripheral vision remained sharp, most notably with the lines and the signs.

The dashed lane markers blurred into a line that reminded her to stay in the center. The signs sent their own messages.

Orange signs meant construction and a SNAFU in traffic matters ahead. She paid them little heed as hers was the only car on the road.

Green signs meant that a street was approaching at a certain point. When the point was reached, an arrow demanded that the driver exit.

Blue signs politely invited the motorist to do the same, with promises of fuel, food, and rest.

She ignored all. She was relaxed and thought about the crippling anxiety she felt just an hour ago and how she wanted to end it. Now, she felt a calm and peace. She knew all would be okay. She closed her eyes for a moment. As she opened them, she caught a sign that read, “Right Lane, 1.5 Miles.”

Her mind tried to piece it together. Right lane closed in 1.5 miles? She was in the center lane. Her thoughts wandered again. During Driver Education, her instructor warned her about highway hypnosis. She always thought that the concept was absurd. Tonight she realized it could happen.

Her mind came back to “The Present.” She saw that she missed the orange and white exit sign in the right lane. Straight ahead, she saw the sign that read, “Bridge Out.”

Earlier she merged onto the Interstate to save herself.

She smiled at her final thought.

“Oh, the irony.”

the car

The wife and her husband,
Needed something to take them across the land,
They bought their first car together,
It served them well on every adventure.


The wife and her husband,
Many and many more a heist they had planned,
They stole their first car together,
It never made their lives better.


The wife and her husband,
Not the life to which they’d been accustomed,
They lived in their first car together,
It kept them safe from the weather.

Oh, the places I’d go

My plans for the next seven days have cleared, my schedule is wide open, and I found $10,000 on my dresser!

What to do, what to do…?

First, I’d go back to sleep.  I’ve heard that I’m not going to be getting much of that in the near future and so I should be enjoying it now while I can.  Besides, with seven days ahead of me to do whatever I want, there’s not real sense of urgency to get up and going.  I’ve got plenty of time to get to everything I want to do.

Second, I’d make myself a proper breakfast: eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, toast, strawberries, cranberry juice…  Maybe I’d make an omelet with some mushrooms and cheese.  Maybe I’d make a little breakfast burrito.  But, I’d know I’d need to get some good food in me to get me kick-started on my seven day adventure.

Third, I’d shower and brush my teeth and get dressed for the day and get myself out of the house.  I know that seems kind of obvious, but it’s important not to overlook any details when making such important plans.  You need to make sure there is time for everything you want to get done and if you don’t factor in the small stuff it can add up and make you miss out on something else.

Fourth, I’d get in my car, drive to the bank, and deposit the money.  I don’t live in the worst of areas, but I still wouldn’t want that kind of cash just sitting around collecting dust.  And there is no way it’d fit in my wallet.  If it was just a few large denomination bills who would be able to accept them anyway?  It’s hard to find places that will accept $100’s these days.

Fifth, I’d head home.  Log on to WordPress and catch up on all the blogs I love to follow that I’ve been neglecting this week, write a few new posts while I was it, work on the novel I’m editing, work on getting the novel I’ve finished ready to be sent to a publisher, work on finishing my comedy western, finally think of a name for my comedy western, make some more food, make even more food, do some chores around the house, pet a kitty or two, and then head off to bed early.

Sixth, I’d wake up the next six days and repeat the whole process from the day before (except for the running to the bank errand, of course).

Why nothing more grandiose than that?  Would I really just bank the money?

You bet I would!  Apparently kids are expensive and that money is already spent anyway so I’d just be paying myself back.  I certainly wouldn’t be going on any grand adventures right now with my wife and there isn’t like she could, or would want to, get on a plane right now or spend long hours in a car.  Besides, our greatest adventure is just around the corner anyway.

Q and A Parody, with a twist

You, faithful readers, keep saying “more, more, more” and I say, “but I’ve already given you lots: herehere and here.  Oh, and here and here too.”  Hmm, maybe I should just add a new page for these so I can just link to that.

Nah, that sounds boring.

Here we are again.  I’m such a sucker for peer pressure.

“With a twist,” you query?  “Yes,” I reply, “This one is going to be just a tiny bit different.”

Over the years I’ve incorporated an abundance of dialogue from commercials into my day to day lingo.  The following is a useful guide parody I’ve put together of situations you may find yourself in and the some (in)appropriate and/or completely silly responses.

You probably should use all of these.*  I haven’t.  Not what I’ve got down here anyway.  However, I will probably start using them immediately.

Q: What do you say when the bartender asks what you want?
A: “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer” Guinness.  (You could say Dos Equis if you want, but why would you want to if they have Guinness?  And why would you go someplace that didn’t serve Guinness?  You see where I’m going with that?)

Q: What do you say when someone asks for your opinion?
A: “You’ll like the way you look, I guarantee” nothing.  (It is kind of an easy guarantee for Men’s Wearhouse to make, I mean, who doesn’t look good in a suit?)

Q:  What do you say if someone asks if you can help them with something?
A: “It’s my job to be” sarcastic.  (Of course, then you should definitely help them, because we are all super nice like that, right?)

Q: What do you say when someone asks about the people who live near you?
A: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm” minds their own business.  (Has anyone gone next door to borrow a cup of sugar in the last decade?)

Q: What do you suggest when someone asks for a recommendation on a good vehicle to dispose of a body?
A: “Guts.  Glory.”  That’s right, guts.  (I mean, it says it right there in the tagline – what else could they possibly mean?)

Q: What do you say when someone asks what they should do to waste a little bit of time?
A: “15 minutes could save you 15% or more,” or nothing at all, but if you’ve got 15 minutes to kill it couldn’t hurt to call those Geico people.  (Though, I can think of a few more productive things for you to do – that sink full of dishes is calling your name.)

Q: What do you offer when someone says they aren’t feeling all that great?
A: “Milk, it does a body good,” unless your lactose intolerant.  (If they are lactose intolerant you should just tell them to do some jumping jacks or push ups or something like that.)

Q: What do you give the Rolling Stones the next time you hear them singing (I can’t get no) “Satisfaction?”
A: “Snickers satisfies,” whatever your craving.  (It seems pretty straightforward right?  I guess Mick and the gang didn’t know about Snickers when they wrote the song…)

Q: What should you reply when someone asks what they should have for dinner, especially if they want it to be something “healthy?”
A: “Subway, eat fresh,” except for all the food that’s been sitting out in those trays all day long.  I can’t imagine we could still call that “fresh.”  (They really did a great job of timing their ads for healthier eating right, didn’t they?  Whoever they hired for their marketing is a genius.)

Q: What do you say when someone asks what kind of car they should buy?
A: “The ultimate driving machine,” espcially if they aren’t a very good driver, because why else would they need something that basically drives for them.  (Has anyone else noticed that people who drive BMW’s tend to be terrible drivers?   There are some exception – Haole – but not many.)


Bonus section:

Q: “What do you say when people ask what insurance you recommend?”
A: “Aflac!”

Q: Benifer or Tomkat?
A: “Aflac!”

Q: Worst superhero movie ever?
A: “Aflac!” (Daredevil)

Q: Better actor: Matt Damon or Ben Affleck?
A: Damon, of course. (You didn’t really think I was going to say Aflac, did you?)


*The Matticus Kingdom published this list for entertainment purposes only. We do not dispense with advice we think people should ever heed and cannot be held responsible for any resulting slaps across the face, puzzled looks, loss of friends, tarnished reputation, improved reputation for that matter, closets that were once skeleton free no longer being so, or other unpleasantness that may result from following these guidelines.  If you drive a BMW: I’m sorry.  If you drive a dodge truck, that’s good to know, let me know in case there are any bodies I need to dispose of in the future.