The Erratic Sun – Contest the first

The Erratic Sun - Cover
It’s just so beautiful: #TheErraticSun

So, I happen to have (not yet, really, but I will because I’ve already ordered them) a bunch of extra copies of The Erratic Sun…  They are just waiting to be signed and mailed to the winners of the various contests I’m going to host in the coming days.

I’m going to start simple.  If you want a signed copy, leave a comment (hopefully promising to also leave a review once you’ve finished reading) and before I post the next contest I will use a random number generator to pick the winning comment.  w

That’s simple enough, right?  Leave a comment and you could be the winner.

And, if I haven’t already made it abundantly clear, the winner gets:  a signed copy of The Erratic Sun, written by Revis and myself, and with cover art by the talented J.

Who wouldn’t want that?  Heck, I helped write the book and I want a signed copy of it!!

So, what are you waiting for?  Leave a comment already!

revis and matticus save the kingdom chapter 12

Things are starting to get interesting as Matticus and Revis continue to try and save the kingdom from the sparkly vampires. Head over to 33 Grams of Blog and see what snafus they got into this week.

33 Grams of Blog

Revis and Matticus exchanged a confused glance. “What do you mean Jaded is just a soldier,” Revis asked. “From everything we’ve heard, she’s the one in charge.”

Len shook his head. “She told me that there was someone above her, someone who kept sending her minions. I never heard her say their name, but there’s definitely someone else.”

“Either way, we still need to find Jaded,” Matticus stated. “Tell us where she is.”

“I was supposed to meet her back at her fort once I had captured you. I would assume she’d be there.”

“Thanks,” Revis smiled as he flourished his daggers. “Now that you’ve told us where she is, we don’t need you anymore.”

Len looked to Matticus for help, but the Jester merely shrugged. The Knight slowly brought his weapons closer to Len’s face. When the daggers got to within an inch of his cheek, the foreman’s eyes rolled up…

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SS Q and A

I know what you are thinking: Matticus, what does SS stand for?  Something Stupid.  Silly Sisters.  Savory Snacks.  There are just so many options!  But, this week, SS stands for Steven Seagal.  That’s right!  Musician, martial arts expert, friend of the environment and terrible actor.  But, that hasn’t stopped me from pulling in several of his movie quotes into my lexicon.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you are always so serious?
A: “I’d like to make something very clear: I don’t have rage. I’m a happy guy. You see this face? This is a happy face”
– Orin Boyd – Exit Wounds

Q: What should you say to someone who has just insulted you?
A: “I can’t believe you can still eat with that mouth.”
– Det. Gino Fellino – Out for Justice

Q: What should you say when someone asks about the angel and devil that used to sit on your shoulders?
A: “One thought he was invincible… the other thought he could fly.”
– John Hatcher – Marked for Death

Q: What should you say about someone who you’d really like to see six feet under but won’t do it yourself?
A: “I wouldn’t dirty my bullets.”
– Forrest Taft – On Deadly Ground

Q: What should you say when you get pulled over and the cop asks why you were speeding?
A: “Let’s face it, I don’t believe in authority.”
– Jack Taggart – Fire Down Below

*I’d like to take a moment here to remind you all that these are for laughs only and should not be attempted in the real world.  We absolve ourselves of any jail time or other consequences should you actually insult an officer when you have been pulled over.*

Q: What should you say to your daughter when she first starts talking about boys?
A: “No dating until you are 40.”
– Dr. Wesley McClaren – The Patriot

Q: What should you say to a random girl you find yourself having drinks with at a bar?
A: “You’re Machete’s girl. I know, cause you’re his type.”
– Rogelio Torrez – Machete

Q: What should you say when you didn’t do as well at something as you wanted to?
A: “Number 4? I wanna be number 1.”
– Nico Toscani – Above the Law

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you are good at?
A: “I’m just a cook”
– Casey Ryback – Under Siege

Q: What should you say when playing chess with someone and they’ve left themselves open for checkmate?
A: “’Cause if that’s the best you got, I’m just gonna have to kill you.”
– Lt. Jack Cole – The Glimmer Man

………

Do you have an actor you love to hate?  Someone you agree is terrible but that you still watch all their movies anyway?  I bet you do.  But, really, who can argue with a martial arts action flick… they are just so much fun!  Here there be cooks and cops, black bets and rock stars, and glimmering, lots and lots of glimmering, and, as always, a monster.  Thanks for playing along.

Chapter 47

How’s everyone enjoying the story now?  We  are getting near the end.  Only 6 chapters to go after this one.

(Need a reminder on how we got here?  Prior chapters can be found here.)

…..

Jerry stammered in response.  He had no idea how to answer the question.  He was there to kill Brig Coyle.  He and Able had teamed up specifically just to carry out that job.  They would go their separate ways, take credit for the killing, and launch illustrious careers.  There may be some flak that two men were claiming the same death, and they may have to face each other at some point down the road to settle the matter, but that was something they’d deal with if and when they had to.  In the meantime they would be treated like celebrities for finally ridding the world of the scourge, Brig Coyle, the gunslinger.

But, that was the truth, and Jerry didn’t think that Brig actually wanted to hear the truth.  He also didn’t think that telling Brig the truth would do much for prolonging his life passed all of thirty seconds or so.  Besides, he thought, doesn’t he already know the truth of it?  And if he doesn’t want to hear the truth, what does he want to hear?  Why did he ask that question?

Jerry looked up at Brig and tried to read the man, tried to glean any information he could from body language, facial expressions, or any other sort of clue he could pick up on, but the gunslinger cast his eyes down upon him with a blank look.  It held no contempt, pity, anger, or any other tangible emotion other than indifference.  Brig was indifferent about him and that riled Jerry up to the point that he spat out the truth, his words dripping with venom.

“We came to kill you Brig.  We came to bury you in this town and profit off your death.  We were going to be the heroes that finally outgunned the notorious Brig Coyle.  We were going to be legends.”

Brig raised an eyebrow and retorted, “You don’t seem to be doing much but laying there at the moment.”

Jerry’s eyes flamed red with hatred, and more than a touch of humiliation.

Before Jerry could offer his own retort, Brig said, “Besides, we both know that Able over there was the brains of your little gang, your little tet, and things didn’t work out too well for him.”

Jerry twisted his head to see the remains of Able settled in the dust behind Brig and then he turned back to the man standing over him.

“You said, ‘We came to kill you,’ but now there is no “we.”  So, I ask again, Mr. Tunston, why are you here?”

He’s giving me an out.  The reality of the situation finally dawned on the prone man.  I could tell him I don’t know or that I’m leaving Gunnison and will never return or something along those lines and he will let me get up and walk away.  The fool.  I could get a gun and be back in a few days time and shoot him in the back as he walked down the street.

Jerry looked up at the gunslinger.  His left thumb was hooked through the belt in front of his right hip.  His right hand was in much the same position but the thumb was just resting on the belt and the butt of Able’s revolver was sticking out of the belt just in front of his hand.  He slid his vision away from the gunslinger back to the body of his cohort.  What if I missed?  What if someone saw me in town before I could get the jump on him?  We had him out numbered and unarmed and he still managed to get the better of us.

 He’s offering me a chance to walk away now and if I don’t take it he probably won’t offer me that same chance next time around.  I’ll end up like Able. 

 What other choice do I have?

“Well, Mr. Coyle, I’m not really sure anymore.”  His words lacked the venom from moments earlier and reverted to a slow drawl, filled with as much pleasantry as he could stomach.  “I think I don’t belong here anymore, that’s for sure and perhaps the time has come for me to move along and seek employment elsewhere.”

Brig read Jerry while he spoke and determined that the man was most likely leaning toward walking away.  There was a part of him that wanted to come back guns blazing and still try and grab a hold of the glory he was certain would follow but Brig was fairly certain that once Jerry left Gunnison he would never return.  He had tried to bring down the famous gunslinger once and the horror of the experience would haunt him forever more.  He hadn’t even gotten a single gunshot off through the whole fight.

“I’m going now Mr. Tunston.  I’m going to gather up my picnic supplies and then the lady and I are going to walk back to town.  I’d prefer if you stayed right where you are until we are gone.  Then I might suggest you get out of here as quickly as you can because we’ll be sending the Sheriff back up here to collect whatever is left up here to be collected.  You probably shouldn’t be here when he gets here to deal with Able.”

Brig took another step closer to Jerry, his boots were less than an inch from the man’s side, and then he leaned over so their faces were only a couple feet apart.  Brig’s eye bore into Able’s head.  The indifference was gone.  And while it wasn’t replaced with anger or contempt, it was replaced with meaning and Able believed Brig when the gunslinger said, in slightly more than a whisper, “If I see you back in Gunnison, I will kill you.”

With that, Brig righted himself and turned on his heel.  “Emmalou, I think it’s time we headed back to town, if you would be so kind as to help me wrap up our little picnic I would greatly appreciate it.”  Without a word Emmalou quickly collected the corners of the blanket and without ceremony stuffed the whole lot into the basket.  Brig offered her his right arm and together they walked back into town where they headed straight to Sheriff Brown’s office: the jail.

Cole did a quick patch job on Brig’s shoulder, staunching the flow of blood with some rags, and then went in search of the doctor before then gathering up a few good men to go check the hillside for any sign of Jerry Tunston and to collect the body of Able Santz.  While the sheriff was on his errand, Emmalou and Brig enjoyed the quiet and solitude the jail afforded them ahead of the doctor’s arrival.

Brig could tell that she was shaken, that she was nearing collapse and was very worried that she had finally seen in him everything she had assumed was there.  She had seen him as the man she thought she’d witnessed all those years ago in Wyoming.  He waited patiently for her eyes to meet his, knowing what he would see in them, and he sighed inwardly.  She will be through with me now for sure.

When her eyes finally did meet his, all he saw there was pain.  It wasn’t pain for herself, it was pain from worry and concern for him, for his injuries, for the life he’d been living.  It was the pain of finally understanding everything he’d been through.  It was the pain that comes with loving someone.

He hardly felt the throbbing in his shoulder at all after that.

revis and matticus save the kingdom chapter 4

Chapter 4 of the Revis and Matticus quest to save the kingdom is up over at 33 grams. Make sure you got check it out so you don’t fall behind in the story! Spoiler alert – El Guapo makes an appearance… What are you still doing here? Go. Read. Now!!

33 Grams of Blog

It took them a couple of days, but Revis and Matticus finally had the city of Bruges in sight. Matticus resisted the urge to jump up and down. That would be undignified, after all. He looked over and saw that Revis was deep in thought. Well, either that, or he had gas. It was hard to tell sometimes.

“Something on your mind,” the Jester asked.

“I’m trying to decide whether or not we should go in through the city gate, or sneak our way into the city.”

“Why wouldn’t we go in through the city gate?”

“We’re well known throughout the kingdom. If something out of the ordinary is going on around here, they’ll stop once word of our arrival spreads.”

Matticus thought it over for a minute. “True,” he replied, “but if we show ourselves openly, the sparkly vampires might panic. That could lead to them making mistakes.”

With…

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