With a little help from our friends

Hello all you faithful kingdomites,

A couple weeks ago, Sheena set up a GoFundMe page for a friend of ours who is in a tight spot.  In a bit of good news, that mutual friend has found a place they can move to, but need a little bit of help securing the funds for it.  They have until the 20th to do so or will miss out on the opportunity. I asked them to write a bit of their story to share with the kingdom and they agreed, though I know it was hard to do.  So, please, read below and leave some comments of encouragement and support, and, if you can, click on through to the GoFundMe page and leave what you can there as well. 

Thank you,

Matticus

…..

I’ve never had good luck in relationships. My first serious boyfriend told me after a few months, that he dumped another girl so that he could ask me out. This was unsettling as I felt that he would do the same to me. Then there was the coworker that I had liked and ended up raping me. My next relationship ended a few months before we were married. There was a distance that had grown, and things felt off. There were other things too, like alarms going off in my head, and it was ended. He married a girl a few months after the engagement ended. He met her while we were engaged. The next guy, well he became controlling, abusing, and even forcing himself on me. I was done with relationships after him. I needed a break.

Then he walked into my life.

He was everything I had wanted, and not even looking for, and we hit it off from the start. Both of us were quirky, video game nerds, Batman lovers, geeks through and through. He got me, and when I explained my issues, the rape, depression, anxiety, he didn’t have a problem with that. He embraced it and supported me as I was working on trying to accept and work through everything.

Rather quickly after meeting him, I had issues that arose and I was kicked out of my family’s house. This lead to me being homeless. He graciously took me in while I looked for a place. Once again, supporting me. I did get my own place after about a month time frame. Never once did he lose his temper with me.

From the start, he knew of my issues, including the isolation from my family, my mental health battles, and some battles with weight due to health issues. Eventually, we moved in together.

Fast forward to recently. two and a half years later, and things are different.

My issues are too much for him, the isolation from my family is now a problem, and my health and weight have taken a toll on me.

Suddenly I’m no longer good enough. I’m getting yelled at more and more frequently, sometimes just for asking what’s going on. I’m blamed for everything. Then suddenly, the sun shone again and everything was rainbows and unicorns. We were good. Going out and having fun, making plans for the future. We had a good relationship again.

Then suddenly the temper was back. Everything I did was wrong. Even giving up some of my time to do things for him, was not good enough. Saying hi meant I’d get screamed at. I knew I became worthless. I was no longer appreciated. I was nothing. Then it happened.

He failed at something, and I became the target of his wrath. I was the victim, but according to him, I was the problem. He failed, but because when he tried to hand me something and screamed F***ing C**T, it was my fault to ask if that was directed towards me. I mean, you were quiet and handing me something, so I thought it would be normal asking if it was directed towards me. I should have known better, after all, I am a mind reader.

Later that day, I was told that we should dial back on being in a relationship. When I asked if this meant we are no longer together, I was never answered. Me and my mind reading skills took this as a large amount of nope. A few days later, I noticed everything that indicates male grooming in the apartment, and huge amounts of cologne as the entire place smelt of it. He was out on a date. It took him two to three days after saying “Let’s dial it back” to ask another girl out. That night I confronted him about it, and he told me no, but then he told me he I have two months get myself and the animals and get the hell out of his home.

When I tried to ask why the most bizarre answers were received. Originally when he told me that it was over, he said he wasn’t ready to settle down, now he told me that he is not getting any younger and he wants to settle down soon. He can no longer handle the mental health issues, the weight problems, my health problems, the lack of communication with my family. I was told that it was my idea to call it quits. One day he wants me to get the animals and go, and then the next he’s telling me he is keeping them. I don’t do the things he recommends that will make me better. Not taking medications, only meditating, running (with my arthritic knees). Meditation doesn’t work for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried, multiple times in my therapies, and twice with him, but it doesn’t work. Art and writing clear my mind.

Since the ultimatum, I now have a month to find my own place. A place that will take a person with no credit. Where I have almost no money to my  name. I deal with constant yelling and screaming from him one moment, then the next he is trying to be my friend. He’s stopped paying for anything with the animals. I’m paying for everything for them now. Food, litter, care, it all comes from me. What little I have saved up is gone. Thanks to his carelessness, I had to make an emergency visit to the vet as one of the cats was laying next to half of an acetaminophen pill. Then there were two that needed to be fixed. I’m now further behind then I was when I started saving money. Still enduring the tantrums, the mind fucks, the abuse. One minute he is wanting to be my friend, the next he gets a better offer to do something, and runs away. He avoids me at any costs unless there is something he is trying to get from me.

Halloween there is always a party from shared friends of ours. This year I almost didn’t go except for some pleading from some, as he was bringing her, the girl he left me for. Yes, he’s been out most nights with her. When he drops things and runs, it’s because she invited him over. He will stop talking in the middle of conversations with me, to talk to her, completely ignoring me as if I was no longer there. He’s tried to get me to help pick out clothes he wants to wear while out with her. It’s a constant reminder how I’m not good enough. Never good enough. I wasn’t good enough before for other guys, and I’m not good enough now. I won’t ever be apparently.

So back to me trying to get a clean start.

I have found a place. I have secured it for myself, with a promise of the money to be handed in by the 20th of the month. I have no money currently. Spent trying to make sure a cat didn’t die. A friend of mine set up a GoFundMe. That money was what I used for the cat, because she is one of my children, one that started many fights since the break up as I will not allow him to have her. I am not a person to ask for money. I give my time and money to everyone else. I don’t think I deserve it. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. So she set it up for me as I won’t myself. I’ve hit a spot, a rather bad one. I need to get out of this hell. I need to start over, sadly funds are lacking. I want to be able to move out, to take myself and my babies to a safe world where we don’t have to worry about threats, possible violence. There was violence to inanimate objects when he got upset. Screaming obscenities. Constant friendship being extended only to have it ripped away. I need this.

If you have it in you, please assist.

The Problems with Ritual Suicide

Thoughts on weakness, bullying, and parenting… This post could have been written by me. Head over to Stories That Must Not Die and show your support and share your thoughts on the newest article:

Stories that Must Not Die

Usually vomiting makes one feel better, yet sitting in a pool of warm alcohol that I had just violently expelled out of what felt like every orifice on my face only made my head spin faster. Surely, this would get me out of this torture my brother’s drinking friends called Caps.

“Did you just throw up your last round?” asked one of my blurry competitors.

“Yeah, I think I’m done,” I answered the identical twin images in front of me.

“You softie. Now you have to drink two shots in the next round,” yelled another competitor.

Then the whole table chanted a derogatory word at me as they placed their hands on their heads in the shape of female genitalia.

The sad part of the story is that these are men that I considered my friends. For many men, this is a common experience—we anticipate compassion, yet we are…

View original post 1,039 more words

A Lesson in Regret

Another anonymous story has been shared on Stories That Must Not Die. Head over and leave some messages of support.

Stories that Must Not Die

The following post is anonymous.
———————————————————————————————

Only a few people know this story and I don’t want my siblings to see it, so I’m posting anonymously. I’ve needed to post it, oh, about 20 years. I can’t believe that much time has passed since my father died.

For many years, my dad was my best friend. He told me he loved me, hugged me, and made me feel special. He was also narcissistic, inappropriate, and manipulative. I suspect he was a womanizer but I don’t have any hard proof. When I was young, maybe 6 years old, he abandoned us. But then he came back and my mom abandoned us – for good. He was the single parent of five children by the time he was 38. He gave up a lot to care for us, but he also put his own interests first – pursuing a career that resulted…

View original post 846 more words

cleansing flame

“What are you doing?”

Joe peered quizzically over Anton’s shoulder and watched, transfixed by fascination and fear, as his friend sparked the lighter into life.  The small yellow flame held steady, held the power to set them free, and held the capacity to imprison them forever.  Neither wondered how something so small could irrevocably change the world.  They too were small and knew they had the same possibility within them.

“Thinking about starting a fire,” Anton finally answered.  The words were passionless but his eyes danced with pain.

Joe looked from his friend to the flame and back again, “Why?”

Anton shrugged and snapped the lighter shut with a well practiced flick of his wrist.  “No reason in particular,” he muttered and looked into Joe’s face to see if his friend was going to read more of it than he should.  Anton didn’t need another lecture from his parents.  Not that day.  Not ever again.

He felt Joe’s eyes slide away, sheepish and dull.  It wasn’t what he wanted to see, but it was better than the fear that might have been there.

“Come on,” Anton jumped up, “let’s go climb the slide tower at the park.”

Joe perked up, relieved, and nodded in smiling assent, “Okay.”

The two kids raced down the block, their steps ringing in echoes on the suburban street.  Anton slipped the lighter into his backpocket for later.  Joe tried to push the whole thing from his mind, but would never forget the pain he’d seen in his friend’s eyes.

It hadn’t just been Anton’s pain there.  It had been the whole world’s.  The starving.  The dying.  The bullied and abused.  The hurt.  The sick.  Anton felt it all and couldn’t process it, couldn’t handle the darker truths of the world.  Joe knew it was only a matter of time before the lighter sparked again, found a fuel, and unleashed Anton’s desire to see the world burn.

Joe didn’t understand completely.  He didn’t feel like his friend did.  The darkness didn’t eat at his soul.  But, he did know that sometimes, like a forest fire, you need to raze what is existing to make room for change, for new life, for something better.

The thoughts clung to him, burned him, even as he smiled and laughed and screamed as he and his friend romped around the park.

set free

There was a contest.  I submitted a story.  I didn’t win.  *sad face*

But, that means I can now share that story with all of you.  *happy face*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Tommy loved baseball, and cartoons, and climbing trees.  He loved his mother.  He loved his math class.  He didn’t know how to solve for “x,” could never remember the shortcuts for figuring out volumes, but he had did have a major crush on the teacher.  For being twelve years old, he loved a great deal many things, and chief among them was Jake.

And that was why Tommy set Jake free.

…..

Jake knew that Tommy was hurting.  He tried his best to cheer his friend up, tried to dry the tears, to get a laugh, to ease his pain.  But, nothing Jake did helped.  He was saddened by his inability to comfort Tommy.  Of all the people in his life, he loved Tommy the most.  And he knew that Tommy loved him back equally.

And that was why, when Tommy sent him away, Jake went without whining or complaint.  He knew he could trust in that mutual love.

He knew exactly what he needed to do.

…..

Charles spent the morning drinking.  He realized he’d spent most mornings drinking recently but he no longer cared.  He didn’t have a job.  He didn’t have any prospects.  And, he deserved a bit of rest and relaxation anyway.  After being the sole bread winner for twelve years he was owed a break.  So, why not have a few beers with breakfast and a few more with lunch?

He’d seen the looks he’d been getting from Heather and Tommy recently.  He hadn’t been pleased and had made them aware of his displeasure.  Who were they to judge him?

Charles knew the drink had made it easier to let his hand fly the first time but, again, he hadn’t cared.  Sometimes teaching lessons the hard way was the quickest way for them to be learned.  Heather had certainly learned quickly not too look at him with pity, or sorrow, or anger in her eyes, hadn’t she?

And Tommy?  Well, Charles hadn’t ever meant to hit the kid.  But, his son was a slow learner.  It had taken more than a few punches to get Tommy up to speed on what was and wasn’t appropriate behavior now that his dad was home all the time.  Charles knew he might have taken it too far the last time, the blood oozing from his split knuckles was evidence of that, but the lesson had finally sunken in so he expected to never have to raise his hand to Tommy again.

And the lesson had been learned, he hadn’t caught a cross eye or loose word from the kid in over a day, so hadn’t it been worth it?

But, what is the kid doing in the yard?  Why is he ushering the dog out of the gate?  Oh, that kid!  Great, now I’ll have to go track down Jake before he runs off for good.

Charles down the last of the beer in his right hand so he could set aside the bottle and pick up the car keys from the counter.  Then he bounded down the front steps, throwing a few curse words in the direction of Tommy, jumped into the driver seat and brought the car to life.  He swung into the street and scanned the road for any sign of Jake.

…..

Yes, Jake had known exactly what needed to be done.  He waited until the bad man was going faster than was safe for the residential road and then he darted into the street.  He knew it was risky.  He knew he might die.  But, Tommy was worth it.

…..

Tommy saw his dad burst out of the house and closed his ears to the words he knew he was too young to understand.  Then Tommy watched in horror as he stumbled into the car, coaxed the vehicle into the street, barely missing the mailbox, and gunned the engine, sending the car barreling down the road the same direction Jake had sprinted off moments before.  His horror turned to dread when he saw the flash of Jake run out in front of the car.  He couldn’t keep the scream of agony from escaping his lips.

…..

What’s that?  Too late!  Brakes!  Turn the wheel!  Tree!

…..

Tommy ran down the street.  A neighbor must have seen the crash because the sirens started and were drawing near before he’d even reached the crumpled car.  He didn’t give the car a second glance.  His only care was for the welfare of Jake.  His eyes searched the road frantically.  He sank to his knees when he saw his beloved dog standing just beyond the broken and twisted tree.

…..

Jake saw Tommy running to him and then fall to his knees in the middle of the street and he ran to his friend and urged him out of the road.  Streets are not safe places for children to be.  Plus, the sirens would be arriving soon and it wouldn’t do for them to be associated with the mess around them.  A few licks.  A few nudges from his nose, and he successfully prodded Tommy onto the sidewalk opposite the wreck, and from there safely back into their yard.

…..

Tommy’s mom met them in the yard, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes switching between terrified and mesmerized.  Together, Tommy, his mom, and Jake, watched the fire truck and ambulance arrive and do what they could to extract the car from the tree, and the man from the car.

Later, when the paramedics came to deliver the bad news, Jake could feel fear radiating out of Tommy, and sadness, but they were different kinds of fear and sadness than he had been feeling earlier.  There was a mixture of relief and hope in there as well.  The tears were cleansing rather than painful.

Jake licked his friends hand to let him know that everything would be okay.  Tommy hugged his friend tightly to him, because he too knew that everything was going to be okay.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The only stipulations, or prompt if you prefer, for the contest was that the story needed to be less than 1,000 words and a dog needed to make an appearance.  I met those criteria, so I can’t imagine why I didn’t win!

I haven’t had a chance to read the winning post yet, but I will link to it as soon as it is available.

But, what do you think?  Without having read any of the other entries, I deserved to win, didn’t I?