Another letter to myself

Dear Jester,

Is it okay that I keep writing letters to you, to myself, like this?  Yes.  I’m sure you’ll agree it is fine.  I should know.  I’m you and you’re me.

Anyway…

I’m not sure how to go about this, so we might as well dive into the crux of the matter: It is seeming harder and harder to keep up with the speed of life right now.  And that was really brought into focus by the death of a friend last week. 

You had seen them struggling and you had mentioned to yourself that you should reach out and then you didn’t and now they are gone.

And why didn’t you reach out?  Because you hadn’t seen him in 22 years?  Because you were busy with chores and school and toddler tantrums and infant sleep and birthdays and the day to day grind of life in the kingdom?  Because you didn’t know how much he was struggling?  Because you didn’t know…

You didn’t know.  You didn’t know you wouldn’t have another chance. 

If you had known, you would have sacrificed something else to make the time.  One less thing would have gotten clean.  Or a little bit less sleep would have been had.  You would have made a different choice.  But you didn’t know.  And, there is no way to know that reaching out would have helped.  Would have been worth doing anyway.

So, dear Jester, I’m not sure what the point of this letter is.  I was grasping for some sort of philosophical piece on the speed of life but the words on the page keep failing that, in my opinion.  Very unlike me, I have started, stopped, deleted, and started over this letter four times now.  And this will have to be good enough.  I don’t have the mental energy to attempt it again.

I guess, I just hope you can set aside any guilt you are feeling, we are feeling.  Be kind to yourself.  Grieve. 

And maybe next time reach out…  Because that pile of dishes can wait.  Sometimes, reaching out can’t wait.  And you don’t know what you don’t know.

Sincerely,

Matticus

7 thoughts on “Another letter to myself

  1. Aww. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve played the “if only I had…” game, and while I don’t know the circumstances with your friend, I’m fairly certain that it is not your fault. We all do what we can when we can.

  2. My heart goes out to you. I was telling a friend something similar today about not missing opportunities to see one another. I have a friend I have known for a long time and she and her husband are not in the best of health and they live here now. Not close of course. An hour and a half away, and driving far by myself gives me great anxiety. I do it sometimes… for the people I care about. I will make the effort to that end again soon. Life has been keeping me busy and it is not convenient, traffic wise or otherwise to make the trek, but worth it non the less. Anyway, you didn’t know. You can’t know what you don’t know, and life in the kingdom is very important too. Your princes and queen are super important. I will always be grateful for a few minutes late one night when you took precious time out for me that eased a great deal of anxiety. I hope I can return the favor one day. Hugs

And, begin:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s