The Note I Almost Wrote

It has been more than 30 years since my attempt. It is misconception that a suicide requires a note. I had one written in my mind. It has stayed with me along with many of the prevailing feelings. The triggering beast lingers with a glance or (un)spoken word. Here it is.

Dear Daddy, Mom and (Sis),

Thank you all for deciding to be gone today. When you return, I will be gone. My body will be here and for that, I apologize. The mess that I am will be gone.

I don’t want to write this because if I fail, just add it to the list.

You may have noticed that ‘A’ doesn’t come around much. I told her to stay the fuck away.

Daddy, I said horrible words to you…they were awful enough to make you put hands on me. The idea was to make you believe sis was better. I think to an extent it worked. Our relationship changed in the weeks after that.

If I fail I will have to accept accountability.

I am nothing but a fuck up. If it is not fucked up and I touch it, it will die (aka I will have fucked it up).

You all don’t need that.

I love you and I do apologize.


30 thoughts on “The Note I Almost Wrote

  1. I’m sorry. I hear you. I didn’t always know this, but I think we are meant to fail, and fail again, it’s how we learn and grow. It doesn’t mean WE are failures, it means, hopefully, WE are learning and growing. Of course that doesn’t speak to the chemical imbalances that can manifest recurring bouts of depression. If I wrote that I could never forget it either. Now that you have shared it I can’t help but want to know the rest of the story. I sincerely hope you are far beyond this with a support in place to help you. But if you aren’t, you have pinged the blogosphere, and I am pinging back.

    • Thank you. I might be pinging you. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. The act sometimes oscillates between fail and not fail.

    • Thank you for reading. It was a tough write. I absolutely do not know what happened in your situation. If I helped…it is the best I could do. ❤

    • Thank you CM. I’m not sure it is courage. It is something that I needed to purge. It could have gone the other way. That was the intent. I still wonder why.

  2. I think Dani said it better than I could up there^ but like she said, I think you were meant to fail too. ❤
    Love you, lady.
    Please still keep my # & I mean it call me any time of day or night. I may not always answer right away but I will always get back to you. xo

  3. I keep a rough draft version of a letter like this in my head. I visit that rough draft every day. One thing that keeps it only in rough draft are the people who would eventually have to read the finished note. Thank you for sharing yours.

    • Thank you for reading. That was drafted from the mind of a teenaged me. It was time to let it go. I don’t know if you remember a movie called “Silence of the Heart”. It was about teen suicide and close to the time of my attempt. Our teacher made us watch the original for pre-work. She then recorded it and made us watch it again for classroom analysis. I was distraught. It was triggering. The subject was taboo as we had a family member who succeeded. The only one who would have been impacted would have been my dad. That’s why I tried to push him away. Mom and sis wouldn’t have cared a ton. It would have been more of an embarrassment. They would have described it as an accident, although the manner was purposeful.

    • RR. I apologize for the delay in response.

      Thank you. It was what I would have written. I was pretty much emotionally dead at the time.

      Yes, I am still living.


  4. I will be lying if I say these thoughts don’t come into my head. When I read this, I was reminded of the weakness my heart wrestles with occasionally. I hope that reading this reminds us both the strength of our souls which fight to live in those dark times.
    A stranger.

    • Hi adreamy1. I don’t consider you a stranger. We may not have met but you aren’t a stranger. Thank you for your comment. Yesterday, I needed to see it. My dad died 10 years ago. Your comment lifted me.

      I apologize if I triggered anything. I’m not sure that I would call it a weekness…just a jaded feeling of not wanting to deal. This was from the mind of a teenager. I can’t say the feelings go away.

      I hope you are doing well and thank you agaon for your kindness.


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