It has been more than 30 years since my attempt. It is misconception that a suicide requires a note. I had one written in my mind. It has stayed with me along with many of the prevailing feelings. The triggering beast lingers with a glance or (un)spoken word. Here it is.
Dear Daddy, Mom and (Sis),
Thank you all for deciding to be gone today. When you return, I will be gone. My body will be here and for that, I apologize. The mess that I am will be gone.
I don’t want to write this because if I fail, just add it to the list.
You may have noticed that ‘A’ doesn’t come around much. I told her to stay the fuck away.
Daddy, I said horrible words to you…they were awful enough to make you put hands on me. The idea was to make you believe sis was better. I think to an extent it worked. Our relationship changed in the weeks after that.
If I fail I will have to accept accountability.
I am nothing but a fuck up. If it is not fucked up and I touch it, it will die (aka I will have fucked it up).
You all don’t need that.
I love you and I do apologize.