I remember the day I experienced you, in person, for the very last time. Sadly, the only word I can use to describe it is perfunctory. People who know us tell me you felt much deeper. I want to believe, because I felt much deeper, too.

I saw you for the last time. I came back from the control freak’s place and you and I did our “see you next time” dance. I was still worried from the night before. You didn’t look well and you bit my head off when I questioned you about it. See you next time never happened. Perfunctory.

I heard you for the last time. “Drive safely,” you said. “Will do,” I responded. Perfunctory.

I tasted you for the last time. We shared a peck. I had peppermint gum breath. You had Pall Mall breath. Perfunctory.

I touched you for the last time. We did the briefest of hugs. We were never touchy. Perfunctory.

I smelled you for the last time. You smelled like soap mixed with Pall Mall. You smelled like dad. Perfunctory.

If I could have seen four days into the future, I would have turned into the 5-year-old version of me. I would have clung to you for dear life and you would have had to pry yourself out of my vice grip of a hug.

If I ever see you again, we will never do perfunctory.

I miss you with all of my being. I love you with all of my heart, daddy. I always will.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you daddies out there.



28 thoughts on “Daddy

  1. Beautiful. Agreed. Today cuts both ways. Celebrating my husband and our kids and mourning my father as if it was yesterday. thank you.

    • Thank you so much, Elyse. Yes, RIP. Have you ever read One More Day, by Mitch Albom? I had a dream that I had one more day with my daddy. Waking up was devastating.

  2. I had a dream right after my dad died about having another day. It was the height of every emotion.

    Writing of our dads isn’t always easy. It’s a complex relationship, even when it feels simple. To catch a glimpse from within you of yours with your dad? Invaluable, to someone like me who considers you a friend.

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