Daddy

I remember the day I experienced you, in person, for the very last time. Sadly, the only word I can use to describe it is perfunctory. People who know us tell me you felt much deeper. I want to believe, because I felt much deeper, too.

I saw you for the last time. I came back from the control freak’s place and you and I did our “see you next time” dance. I was still worried from the night before. You didn’t look well and you bit my head off when I questioned you about it. See you next time never happened. Perfunctory.

I heard you for the last time. “Drive safely,” you said. “Will do,” I responded. Perfunctory.

I tasted you for the last time. We shared a peck. I had peppermint gum breath. You had Pall Mall breath. Perfunctory.

I touched you for the last time. We did the briefest of hugs. We were never touchy. Perfunctory.

I smelled you for the last time. You smelled like soap mixed with Pall Mall. You smelled like dad. Perfunctory.

If I could have seen four days into the future, I would have turned into the 5-year-old version of me. I would have clung to you for dear life and you would have had to pry yourself out of my vice grip of a hug.

If I ever see you again, we will never do perfunctory.

I miss you with all of my being. I love you with all of my heart, daddy. I always will.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you daddies out there.

Jaded.

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28 thoughts on “Daddy

  1. Beautiful. Agreed. Today cuts both ways. Celebrating my husband and our kids and mourning my father as if it was yesterday. thank you.

    • Thank you, Bekah. I don’t know how else to describe it. Words are glorious, aren’t they? Mwah back. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you so much, Elyse. Yes, RIP. Have you ever read One More Day, by Mitch Albom? I had a dream that I had one more day with my daddy. Waking up was devastating.

  2. I had a dream right after my dad died about having another day. It was the height of every emotion.

    Writing of our dads isn’t always easy. It’s a complex relationship, even when it feels simple. To catch a glimpse from within you of yours with your dad? Invaluable, to someone like me who considers you a friend.

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