Holding On

People ask me why I never married. I smile and say that marriage wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to hear that I was abused during the last 10 years of my relationship and likely would have died from the abuse had I married.

People ask me why I never had kids. I smile and say that having kids wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to hear that I don’t want to bring a child into this world. I was assaulted by my “best” friend. To impose that on my spawn..I mean offspring, or worse be the source, is not an option.

People ask me why I don’t have a pet. I smile and say that I’m never home. I ask how that is good for the pet. I’m sure that they don’t want to hear that to this day, I have nightmares about forgetting to feed it or let it out. I wake up in a cold sweat when I touch its lifeless pet corpse.

People ask me why I don’t have a plant. I smile and say that I don’t have the proper growing conditions along with a black thumb. I’m sure that they don’t want to hear that I’m toxic and can’t even keep a plant alive.

Last August, my brother-in-law died. When I returned, my coworkers presented me with a beautiful plant. It had purple flowers. I was touched. In order to diffuse my tears, I made a joke to take bets on the survival time. Little by little, the flowers tumbled.

Then there was one.

Since November, the flower held on. People laughed and I gave it representation to all of us who hold on, despite the roughest challenges.

My former department took my job. I have a new job that I love, so there, former department. The person who took the main function is intelligent but VERY immature. While training, she fiddled with things at my desk. She spilled water and just couldn’t sit still. At first I thought she was like me some xxx number of years ago, but no.

Last week, she came to ask a question. True to her fiddling form, she started playing with my flower (stop it).

The flower popped off.

In mid-sentence, my eyes and mouth opened huge and my hand clamped over my mouth to stifle what my brain wanted to say. All that escaped was a squeak.

Before I knew it, she was running to her desk and returned with tape. She taped the flower back on and said, “all better, now. It will never die.”

The plant’s leaves are still green. The plant is still alive, but the flower is receiving no nourishment. As much as it hurts me, I’m going to let the flower go. Being forced to hold on is not the same as holding on.

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30 thoughts on “Holding On

  1. HUGS As long as the plant is still green it will flower again 1J1. There is hope. You would make an excellent pet owner because you worry so much, you would take good care. Pets are living things and as such they will let you know when they are hungry or tired or want exercise, etc. Besides when you have one feeding and such becomes a habit as they become a of part of your life. And it is so peaceful to have another living thing sharing your life – a smiling dog to come home to, a cat to curl up in your lap while you read, – I even had two huge fish (Oscars called Romeo and Juliet) that got so excited when I came up to their tank (a 200 gallon aquarium). They would pop up out of the water in front of me and would follow from end to end of the aquarium as I moved. It is great to be wanted.

    • Thanks Paul. You are a very kind man. That would have been awesome to see the excited fish jumping and following you from end to end. I’d be afraid they’d jump out of their tank. πŸ™‚ I’m going to start with the plant and try to have it flower. My sister bought a puppy. Maybe I can get past and follow suit. StellaBella has made such a difference in the kids in the short time she’s been with them. Such love.

      • Perfect – I think you will find that having another living creature live with you will bring you joy.

  2. Just no respect…
    Who does that? Who touches things that don’t belong to them?
    There are some mistakes there is no “cure” for.
    I’m glad you are happy with your new job, and I’m sorry you have to work in such close proximity to a child. Though, at least I would expect a child to apologize. So your co-worker is something less.

    • I know. If I’m training, I focus on the task at hand. I have a magnetic bear that a coworker gave me. It is an inch tall and irresistible to touch and if people want to, eh. She takes it farther and dances it across my desk. Whatever. I couldn’t believe she plucked the flower off. Btw, over the weekend she got a new haircut. She wanted to look more mature. Looks in this case will be very deceiving unless she csn change some other things up. Thank you, Matt.

  3. Plants were created to survive in adversity, and so were humans. Some varieties of plants can sprout new roots in water, and be planted in new soil. Others will re-sprout a new stem or send up a new stock from the roots. The most important thing is that we learn to bloom where we are planted. This weekend on the way through a parking lot I saw a precious little petunia plant with one sole pink blossom sprouted in a crack in the concrete. It was a poignant reminder that in the worst of all conditions there is beauty. YOU are that blossom rising from your past.

    • Thank you so much, Cathy. How awesome to see the beauty in a crack of concrete. You can find it in the most unexpected of places. I love what that flower represented. It just kept holding on. I like your correlation.

  4. Seriously, I would ask what biology course she took that said that was the way to “save” a plant. I’m sorry, dear :/

  5. The flower will come back, new and fresh with some care of the heart of the plant. Just give it time. Like us. We come back, time after time. A little more worn, a little more tired but we are here…..again.

    • Thank you, Jackie. I hope so. I love that plant so I hope so. I like how you put it. Even if it doesn’t flower, it will survive, just like we will.

  6. I totally relate to what you said about pets and plants, especially indoor plants. It was so inappropriate for the person to play with the flower. I agree with what the other people said though, there will be more flowers. In 2013 I bought a tiny lemon tree. I was told to bring it into the house when the weather got cold. When I did that, all of the leaves and fruit dropped off. The next year there were some signs of life, but not much and everything fell off again when I brought it into the house. In February of 2015 I finally gave up and put the tree on the deck just so I didn’t have to look at a near lifeless stalk anymore. In the spring, when I was about to put it into the compost I discovered there was signs of new life. It didn’t do much in 2015 either but this month (May 2016) I saw there were many new leaves forming. I decided to do something different. I have planted it into the earth and circled it with a row of spinach. Further out there is a row of carrots, and I’m going to add another row of vegetables. To me the plants are “worshipping” the tree. I will be very curious to see how it grows from here on out.

    • Thank you Karuna. πŸ™‚ I was thinking about buying another plant and placing them together. I’m likely going to try it now. I’m happy that your plant is reviving. Thank you again for the comment.

  7. I am one of those people that is almost impossible to anger….. unless you mess with my stuff. I am a stuff person… leave your hands off my shit! I don’t even want to think of what I would have done had that been my prized flower that someone decapitated…

    Cats are great pets for single people who want four legged company because they’re very self-maintaining (You can’t beat a dog for a friend, but they’re not for those who believe they are lazy or careless). Of course, they don’t like to be alone either which is why I have two…

    • I don’t understand touching stuff that isn’t mine unless I’m invited. I wish she would have focused on the bear. Right now I’m sticking to plants. Thank you ES. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you for reading it, Gordon. I’m sorry this made you sad. Someday, I’ll write a happy story, I hope. The good news is that the plant is still alive and so are we.

    • Thank you so much Bekahrigby. Sometimes it feels that I am. I need to believe otherwise. I stopped by your blog and OMG is right. I love your sense of humor, but also the way you bring out the not so funny stuff. I am a new follower.

      • You never used the words “anxiety” or “depression” in this post, so I don’t want to label, but I think those two rat bastards make a lot of people feel toxic. And it’s complete crap. I know I felt (and often still do feel) like that. But that’s my brain’s chemical imbalance talking. So, yes, you can believe otherwise, because I do. I read your blog posts, and I can tell that you are caring, thoughtful, and full of brilliant shimmery bits.
        And…. yeah…. my blog? It can be a bit much. But I like it that way!!! Thanks for visiting! We’ll be besties in no time, I’m sure of it πŸ˜€

  8. A little birdie told me it was your birthday! Happy Birthday! I am more than halfway done with your book, which I planned on finishing this past weekend but came down with a nasty stomach virus which rendered me useless in comprehending the written word. Do not worry, I WILL finish the book and leave you a glowing review once my life gets sorted out. Things are a bit crazy with HS daughter and end-of year school events and exams and such. xoxo

  9. “Now it will never die”? Seriously? What planet is she on? For suitable revenge (should one be inclined to go down that route) perhaps you should cut off some of her hair, and tape it back on, and tell her that now her hair won’t die.

    OK, maybe that is a little bit evil and vindictive, but it’s the same kind of idea. Sheesh.

    Keep looking after that plant, it will flower again I’m sure. Providing it gets light and water, and a little bit of plant food occasionally all will be well – hopefully! I’m not good with plants either.

  10. Ha! Thanks for the laugh, Faith. I told Matt that she cut her hair in an effort to look more mature. Maybe she thought that I would do something so sinister. I love you. ❀

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