Sinking Deeper

Old stuff again but still living it.

This first time
You beckon me with your open arm.
You beckon me with your cunning charm.
I see
I believe
I embrace you and succumb to your warmth.
I float this first time.

This second time
You beckon me with your open arm.
You beckon me with your cunning charm.
I see
I believe
I embrace you and succumb
to what I believe to what
will be your warmth.
Instead the warmth is replaced
by an icy grip.
Against my will, This time I sink.
This second time.

This third time.
You bexkon me with your open arm.
You beckon me with your cunning charm.
I see
I want to believe
I tentatively embrace you.
I once again succumb to your icy grip
I sink deeper
this third time.

All these times,
you beckon me with your open arm.
You beckon me with your cunning charm.
I no longer want to see.
I no longer believe.
Yet I still embrace you.
I still sucxumb to your icy grip.
I sink deeper aand deeper.

I wonder when I will touch bottom.

1j1

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17 thoughts on “Sinking Deeper

  1. I’m hoping you have hit bottom, only now you see it. I hope by writing, and breathing deeply, you can get out. We’re all willing to give you a boost.

  2. Jadark,

    There really isn’t a bottom…basically, it’s just feeling more and more isolated along with reliving various pain and becoming more and more bloated with the misery of it all while completely thinning out / away from anything robust in your surroundings. When you’re only left with the slenderest sense of yourself it can count for “bottom” but you’ve merely stripped everything out of your life or let most of it fall away.

    You’re you at you’re most basic / no frills / ratty / ragged place. Like yourself…even all hollowed out. It is hard to find anything to like at first, but if you’re patient…you’ll find an angle. Compliment that angle…it doesn’t have to be juicy compliment or even anything anyone else would even believe. The good thing about nobody being around is it’s just you and when you hold yourself gently with even just a wisp of esteem it isn’t on anyone else’s terms but your own.

    Connection is why we’re here…a lot of these can be messed up and maybe since circumstance is making regular connection slippery…a good bond to forge is in your essence.

    I know you’ve already got a lot of this figured out. It takes some practice to hold your essence with care when so little / so few have known the careful conditions for you to blossom. Eventually, with a bit of practice…the maneuvers you refine to embrace your essence with be obvious to others in your environment and some may start to actually get the hang of you. 🙂

    Love,
    Mark

  3. Thank you so much for this comment, Mark. I do know and recognize much of what you say. It is the practice that I have to do better. It is funnyish. I have ironclad focus in work. The past few months have been challenging and I’ve let it contribute to the downward spiral. Management decisions have made it tense, even in that area, but it is getting better. People compliment me and my inner voice screams “liars”. I have to learn how to silence or fight the voice that says I suck at everything…and make peace with my essence…and someday even embrace it.

    • Maybe pretend your inner voice is Donald Trump (or another politician who is being somewhat ridiculous right now? It’s not like there isn’t a wide choice) and that way you won’t feel bad about telling it to eff off. Just a thought. xx

      • The thought of having either voice in my head makes me laugh and shudder at the same time. At least I could retort, “are you the pot or the kettle?” Eff off is better. ❤

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