have of me

Should I write to sever all ties?
Swing my words to strike, rend and cleave?
Or should I age, wither, and fall,
Undaunting as an autumn leaf?

The real me would see your turned backs,
Disgusted by my selfish heart,
Walking intently out of sight,
Our friendship left fallen apart.

But every day the hidden truths,
My dark unspoken opinions,
Scratch and claw closer to the light,
To bursting into your vision.

Then what? Will you judge me harshly?
Condemn me for hiding myself,
To spare your feelings and beliefs,
Claim moral high ground for yourself?

And if I told you the truth now,
Laid bare my thoughts for all to see,
Would you respect me more or less?
A different outcome would there be?

What does that imply about us,
That I assume we would part paths?
You’ve never shied from skewering,
Those you felt deserved your full wrath.

I can’t stay hidden much longer,
My resolve cracks under the strain,
The beastly truth craves its freedom,
The split leaves me quaking in pain.

I do not want to fade away,
To simply vanish from your side.
I do not want to face your wrath,
To feel your tongue’s lash on my hide.

But I’m exhausted from this fight,
Should I stand brave or should I flee?
So passing time will have to tell,
What it is you would have of me…

……………….

I struggled with a title for this poem…  I struggled writing this poem.  I’ve felt distant from the blogosphere recently – partially because due to new circumstances at work I haven’t been on and interacting with all of you as much as I used to, and partially because I’ve been feeling like very few of us would end up being friends in the real world – our views, our beliefs, are too different.  We’d make a go of sure, but eventually one of us would say something that bothered the others too much to let it pass, and we would go our separate ways.  I’m not sure if that’s unfair of me to not give us the benefit of the doubt or if me thinking that is more a reflection on who I am right now than who you all are…

I’m rambling…

I miss you all.

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17 thoughts on “have of me

  1. I think we all go through times like this. I know I sure am as I even right this. Life starts pulling you in a million different directions and some things are just left hanging. I know I’d be sad if you left!

    PS – I’m sorry I chose a band over a DJ. I hope you’re not mad 🙂

  2. We’ve missed you too, dear friend.

    I think “offline” friendships would still be there, but just varying levels. It’s not necessarily all or nothing. I like to think the friends I have connected to here are enough like me to appreciate what a person brings to a friendship, even if it’s not as much as someone else.

    Not sure if that is making sense. Hopefully you get what I mean.

    You know where to find me if you need me ((hugs))

  3. Actually, I think that it’s one of the cool things about the blogosphere – that we’re friends with a lot of people that we would probably never be friends with in real life, as this forum allows us the patience that we don’t normally afford each other.

  4. You have to do what’s best for you and not necessarily worry about pleasing everyone. There’s a lot of pressure in the blog world but I think we put a lot of it on ourselves. Just speaking from my own recent experience, it felt wonderful to take a break, step back and reevaluate.
    You’re friends won’t judge you or be offended if you so choose to step back. I think the majority of us feel the blogging pressure and understand. Well that became a blog post in and of itself..lol

  5. Good to see you.
    Just like in real life, the ‘sphere has different levels of relationships. If you enjoy your time here, let it just be what it is without reading too much into it.
    Or make it what you want it to be.

  6. You know, I think this question is always the writer’s dilemma. How much to give, how much to say, who will I offend, who will read something about them into something that has nothing to do with them … it goes on and on.

    Take care of your real life — the sphere will be here.

    But it is nice to see you!

  7. “I haven’t been on and interacting with all of you as much as I used to, and partially because I’ve been feeling like very few of us would end up being friends in the real world – our views, our beliefs, are too different.”

    I’m with you on this. It’s hard to judge who here is genuine and who’s not. As far as our differences, if we’re truly tolerant they won’t matter as long as we have a few things in common. You and I, for instance, would bond over silly jokes, a few drinks, and our love of our children. We could also trade movie quotes all night. I don’t know of anyone that I agree with on every subject, but I don’t let that change my opinion of someone. I judge people based on how they treat me, and how they treat others.

    All that being said, sometimes a break is a good thing. We all need a vacation every once in a while.

  8. Dude, isn’t real life and aren’t real friends like that as well? We do our best, be who we can be, but we’ll never be someone else’s image of perfect, ever. Comraderie is not seamless; it’s, rather, kind of difficult but immensely rewarding and frustrating both. That’s what we have here: both. It’s a special thing, and you’re a great part of this community for me – so I hope you resolve the work issues and the distance from blogging, and that you come back with more writing.

  9. We miss you too. I don’t know you quite well enough to say if we would be real friends in the real day to day where we cannot hide behind our keyboards. I like to think having met you, that we might. 🙂

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