lost forever

I’ve begun to question my sanity,
The world’s edges blurring in front of me,
As I ponder the night that was,
And the day that is still to be.

Sleep is overrated, I used to say,
Seeking to live fully each and every day,
In my foolish youth,
And now for a few extra hours I’d happily pay.

I watched the hours pass a minute at a time,
The shadows from streetlamps moving in a line,
Across the walls of my room,
Dreading the arrival of morning’s earliest sign.

I can feel my frayed mind unraveling,
The contents are rapidly depleting,
Of the once-upon-a-time steel trap,
Surprisingly it doesn’t ache or snap or sting.

I’ve heard that everything in parenting is a phase,
Every milestone passes in a blaze,
Let’s hope that adage holds true,
While I still know the way of my mind’s maze,
Before I’m lost forever.

maze
Image Credit: HeinrichB
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73 thoughts on “lost forever

  1. What Guap said. The breathing of the baby when he was laying on me was enough to relax me into sleep too.

  2. Being as I’m not a parent I can’t pretend to understand the nightly frustration, but as I have always had trouble sleeping I do understand the ability to simply function. Have you tried a few turns around the block in the car? Or on top of the running clothes dryer? That’s all I’ve got.

    • When the Little Prince was brand new I would throw him in the car and go for a drive to calm him down and get him back to sleep. But… those were probably some of the scariest drives I’ve ever been on… tired, blind (because I only had my glasses on instead of my contacts), and so dark in the car that I couldn’t actually see what he was doing in his seat… made me a nervous wreck and I couldn’t sleep well afterwards anyway.

  3. This too shall pass. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and even harder for those who care enough to do it well. Sending sweet positivity to you and yours. I don’t care at all that it says it’s not a word because clearly it should be. 🙂

  4. I too am not a parent, as you know…but I was old enough when my brother was born to really note the long sleepless nights, the unclear-reasons-for-screaming fits…hmmm…wonder if that’s part of why I insist on waiting until I have a reliable partner. In any case you two are heroic even if unsung. And I like the poem. And I second the nap idea…lunch time nap, eat at desk after?

    • hahaha
      yeah… so, I don’t really get lunch breaks anymore because the market is open all day long so if it moves I have to be ready to respond. So, sadly, no lunch time naps for me, and no eating lunch out with friends anymore either.

      • You should have known
        Life would be overthrown
        Until the Prince is grown
        You’ll never reclaim your throne

        This is the life of a dad
        To sometimes be driven mad
        And others extremely glad
        You take the good with the bad

      • You can’t really know
        Until they come and show
        How little you really knew

        All the books and classes
        Shoveled onto the masses
        Are wortheless

        Because each parent and child are different
        And those who say different, can get bent
        For all I care

        Mad? Yes, let’s drive there
        There’s no need to spare
        What’s left of my brain

      • Parenthood
        It’s understood
        It’s not all good

        There’s no precedent
        Each child is different
        It’s quite self evident

        A trial and error game
        Keeps sanity aflame
        ‘Til you can tame
        He who bears your name
        Then you may claim
        With no sense of shame
        With no ill-cast blame
        That you’re in the daddy Hall of Fame

      • There’s a Hall-of-Fame?
        What’s this game,
        With my emotions you’re toying,
        These rhymes you are employing,
        I’ll not fall victim to your claims,
        My ego you will not maim,
        And before you pull more words from the ether,
        I have no idea what I just said either.

      • I do not toy
        Don’t be so coy
        You ARE a great father
        Or then I would not bother
        Concocting such such a game
        As the dad hall of fame
        Stroke your ego, be proud
        You will not offend this crowd

      • Love that silliness abounds
        Like that big-bloggy-love sent all around
        But, still I’ll refrain from stroking
        My ego or well… you know I’m joking
        I am the Jester after all
        I’ll be “jesting” until the day I fall

      • That’s a slap across my face,
        A thrown gauntlet, best ready your mace,
        For fighting words lead to battle,
        And your bones I’m gonna rattle.

      • I scoff at your “menacing” words
        You’re as intimidating as a pile of turds
        You are nothing without your First Knight
        You inspire in me no fright

      • You are funny to think I’d enter the fray
        But you will still come to rue this day
        Of course my my First Knight fight in my place
        You better run, you better hide your face

      • You seem to have forgotten, you has-been
        That your First Knight is MY kin
        He will not follow blindly, you see
        He will stand and fight beside me
        Perhaps it is you, who this day shall rue
        When you tried to tangle with the brothers two

      • Don’t you have a third brother too?
        I just ask, because he never seems to be around you…
        Might need to reconsider who sides with who,
        Kin don’t mean as much as it used to…

        Blood is blood, or so they say,
        But that don’t change how you all behave,
        In the end, those who wronged will still pay,
        So, come on then, if you still feel brave.

        It’s a shame this battle’s been so private,
        I know a few others who’d like it,
        Perhaps we should invite them in?
        And then we will see, what’s what, and who wins…

      • A fool’s hope is the one you embrace
        The Knight and this trooper you foolishly face
        We shall prevail and put you in your place
        Then mightily deliver the coup de grace

      • You can throw out all the fancy words you like,
        In the end it will still be your heads on the pike,
        Threatening me in my own kingdom?
        I’ll send you crying back to where you came from.

      • It was you who foolishly started this fight
        By taking offense when I made light
        You angrily challenged me to this duel
        I’m merely pointing out that you’re a fool
        You may try to send me back through my door
        But we both know these portals you abhor
        So how about we declare this a tie
        And go enjoy a celebratory pie?

      • You know I’m always down
        For that elixir which erases my frown
        I raise my glass and toast to you
        I’ll see three of you when I’m through

      • Three? That’s a good start, for sure,
        But I think we can do a smidge better.
        So, I’ll toast to you again and again,
        And I’ll toast to Baby C and the Twins.
        Then we can raise our glasses for blogging,
        Silliness, writing, humor, and rhyming.

      • You started drinking without me?
        That’s the only explanation,
        Otherwise, the rhymes you would see,
        To catch up, I better down a coke with rum.

    • Fingers crossed for tonight.
      Plus, I’m drinking a ton… so, maybe I’ll sleep through anything that goes down tongiht.
      You should jump into the battle!! Pick a side and go for it. I just told TD we needed to bring some others in.

      • Well dammit. I would love to but I’m just about to start on a six hour drive, so no drinking or poeming (yes that’s a word) for me. Bummer too, because drinking and rhyming (or not) with y’all sounds like so much fun!

  5. it will come eventually. and then you’ll have a few years grace before he hits those teen years and you’ll lose sleep again…get him back when you are a senior )

  6. You know, I heard once that much of writer’s block can be traced to sleep deprivation. Writing uses certain pieces of the brain that are intimately connected to sleep. Don’t sleep, don’t write well or feel the compulsion. You seem to have gotten beyond that.

    I feel you on the sleep thing. It’s been years. Wait until you have a second… or a third.

    • I can’t fathom a second at the moment. A couple of The Queen’s friends will be having their seconds in the next couple months… and I just scratch my head in wonder, “why?!”

      • I have three; you haven’t lived until you have three young ones, a hellacious job that keeps you working all the time, and a writing hobby that has morphed into a fact of life. There is such a buzz about it all, though. Hard to describe. It’s impossible to balance it all, and I believe balance is not possible. You just try hard not to go overboard, even as you’re tipping from one side of the ship to the other on a routine basis.

      • That sounds… exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. If three is required to truly live, then I doubt I’ll ever get there. Though, I’m sure I’ll still enjoy the ride from the fringes.

      • Dude, I think I have a secret to writing. I don’t tell people this often. But the quality and volume of my writing has substantially increased with further limitations in my time. I cram more energy and heart into what I do write, in the times that I have. I try to make it count. I try to make it bang on every time out, if I can. I try to make myself proud of what I’ve written, to be honest. The challenges on time and energy are huge; the windows of opportunity are tiny; but that just makes getting through those windows more important.

      • I too have found that I work better on a deadline… where I have to fit everything into a finite amount of time because of everything else I have going on, or any other reason, really. But, I’ve also had the “good fortune” recently to have ample time with which to write during the day… It’s nice to have the time… And, I do find that having it allows my mind to wander which can help me come up with something different to write about, but it can also keep me too distracted to write. Another conundrum. Another first world problem.

  7. If I were just around the corner, I’d come and babysit one night a week so you and the Queen can go somewhere else and just be together and sleep. Or it might be easier if I were to take the Little Prince somewhere else instead of you two having to go out.

    Why isn’t it OK for adults to have afternoon naps as well? You should be able to slip off for half an hour periodically at work to catch some zz’s!

    • The siesta hour! 😉
      I know lots of people who eat at their desks while working and then go sleep in their cars during their lunch break. I could never do that… I’d have to take my contacts out and then put them back in or my eyes would get all dried out, and don’t even get me started on my “nap hair.” 😛

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