SS Q and A

I know what you are thinking: Matticus, what does SS stand for?  Something Stupid.  Silly Sisters.  Savory Snacks.  There are just so many options!  But, this week, SS stands for Steven Seagal.  That’s right!  Musician, martial arts expert, friend of the environment and terrible actor.  But, that hasn’t stopped me from pulling in several of his movie quotes into my lexicon.

Do you have a movie you’d like me include in these Q and A sessions?  Or a theme?  Or a specific actor?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can put together for you.

(All previous Q and A iterations are here.)

As a reminder:  The Q’s are life situations you may find yourself in, and the A’s are the corresponding quotes from movies that you could considering using in those situations if you were mad like me.  But, I am a professional Jester, so take that into consideration before trying them on your own.

Q: What should you say when someone asks why you are always so serious?
A: “I’d like to make something very clear: I don’t have rage. I’m a happy guy. You see this face? This is a happy face”
– Orin Boyd – Exit Wounds

Q: What should you say to someone who has just insulted you?
A: “I can’t believe you can still eat with that mouth.”
– Det. Gino Fellino – Out for Justice

Q: What should you say when someone asks about the angel and devil that used to sit on your shoulders?
A: “One thought he was invincible… the other thought he could fly.”
– John Hatcher – Marked for Death

Q: What should you say about someone who you’d really like to see six feet under but won’t do it yourself?
A: “I wouldn’t dirty my bullets.”
– Forrest Taft – On Deadly Ground

Q: What should you say when you get pulled over and the cop asks why you were speeding?
A: “Let’s face it, I don’t believe in authority.”
– Jack Taggart – Fire Down Below

*I’d like to take a moment here to remind you all that these are for laughs only and should not be attempted in the real world.  We absolve ourselves of any jail time or other consequences should you actually insult an officer when you have been pulled over.*

Q: What should you say to your daughter when she first starts talking about boys?
A: “No dating until you are 40.”
– Dr. Wesley McClaren – The Patriot

Q: What should you say to a random girl you find yourself having drinks with at a bar?
A: “You’re Machete’s girl. I know, cause you’re his type.”
– Rogelio Torrez – Machete

Q: What should you say when you didn’t do as well at something as you wanted to?
A: “Number 4? I wanna be number 1.”
– Nico Toscani – Above the Law

Q: What should you say when someone asks what you are good at?
A: “I’m just a cook”
– Casey Ryback – Under Siege

Q: What should you say when playing chess with someone and they’ve left themselves open for checkmate?
A: “’Cause if that’s the best you got, I’m just gonna have to kill you.”
– Lt. Jack Cole – The Glimmer Man


Do you have an actor you love to hate?  Someone you agree is terrible but that you still watch all their movies anyway?  I bet you do.  But, really, who can argue with a martial arts action flick… they are just so much fun!  Here there be cooks and cops, black bets and rock stars, and glimmering, lots and lots of glimmering, and, as always, a monster.  Thanks for playing along.

19 thoughts on “SS Q and A

  1. I used to love imitating Seagal’s “I’m just a cook” line. Under Seige was notable that for one reason or another, after that there weren’t many good nude scenes in movies for awhile.

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