Guest Post: The Wisdom of Snobapple and Horribilis!

Ask Helen and Hyacinth

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Mrs. Helen Snobapple graduated cum laude from the Pretensioso School of Snobbery. No need to kneel before her better-than-thou feet, however. She prides herself on being accessible to the peasantry, 24-7.

Mrs. Hyacinth Horribilis graduated from Bombastica University, also cum laude, with a degree in Etiquette Communications.  She prides herself in knowing the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork and in knowing the proper way to berate wait staff.
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 Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

My dog poops lavender biscuits, and always has the best manners. Yet some of the residents in my gated community have mongrels for pets. How do I politely tell them that their dog is vile to my little Muffy’s delicate sensibilities?

– Surrounded by Mongrels, Alexandria

Dear Surrounded:

Make sure to always look at them down your nose.
Never return their smiles, and walk away in a huff
when their dog soils itself. If none of this works,
egg their car.

– Helen

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

Recently I hosted a garden party and invited the ladies of the Homeowners’ Association and their spouses. One lady, whom I will call “Sylvia”, has always been jealous of my parties. This time she had the nerve to embarrass me in front of the entire party by announcing that she’d found a dandelion in the lawn. Is there any way to put a positive spin on the situation so I can show my face at the meetings again?

– Held a Garden Party and Her Head Popped Off, in Crofton, MD

Dear Popped Off:

There is nothing worse than being caught in a
garden faux pas by someone with delusions of
grandeur. First, contact a lawn care company.
Immediately. Second, write the words Tik Dask,
Tuig Oral, and Loqui Ad Culis on a note card.
The next time you see “Sylvia”, remind her that
she was asking about the lovely yellow Swedish
Tik Dask flowers and thought she’d like to know
that the ancient Tuig Oral tribes used the flower
in their Loqui Ad Culis ceremony. Then walk away
and imagine her face when she finally discovers
that you told her it’s a “b*tch sl@p” flower that the
“jerks everywhere” tribe used in their “talking with
@$$holes” ceremony. Sometimes it’s okay to
soil your hands a bit when dealing with upstarts.

– Hyacinth

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

One day I happened upon a petrified turd in a neighbor’s yard. I was aghast that they had the audacity to defile my neighborhood with such an abomination. Whatever shall I do?

– Aghast in Savannah

Dear Aghast:

It’s obvious that these people do not care about
taking care of our property values, or they would
not allow stray turds to fall behind. Report them
straight away to the poop Nazis, and then charge
them high waste removal fees. Then, egg their
house.

– Helen

Dear Helen and Hyacinth:

I purchased a garden flag for my front flower bed. It has a letter “R” on the front – the first letter of our last name – in Comic Sans font. My homeowner’s association is telling me that the flag needs to be removed because they use the more elegant Vivaldi font elsewhere in my community. Can they do that?
– Comic in Weston, Mass.

Dear Comic:

Not only can they ask you to remove the flag, they
should ask you to remove the flag! Comic Sans is
beneath your station as a member of a proper,
dignified community. Perhaps you should ask
yourself if you really belong there. Or perhaps
a nice apartment would better suit your needs.
Good luck.

– Hyacinth

Snobapple and Horribilis: Advising Homeowners’ Associations since 2013

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If the Jester could stop laughing, he’d tell you to go visit Jen and MerBear poste haste.  Jen blogs it so she doesn’t lose it and MerBear will knock you over with a feather… or with some humor… or with some truth.  Either way you are bound to amazed by what you find in their sections of the blogosphere.

My questions for them: Who is Helen and who is Hyacinth?  And why do I suddenly feel like watching “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead?”

The Jester doesn’t like to make formal decrees, but in this case, he strongly suggests that you check out these great reads:

http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-depressed-person/
http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/dragons-haiku-of-legendary-creatures/

http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/gemini-zodiac-poems/
http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/pac-man-ate-my-lincoln-logs/

http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/my-child-revisited-a-poem/
http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/coal-barges-vincentorama/