Please give a great big ol’ Matticus Kingdom welcome to our first ever Guest Poster: Shannon from The Foodie Farmer. She’s a got a way with words, and plants, and farms, and pretty much anything she sets her mind to. Don’t believe me? Check out this letter she wrote to Jeff Probst (yes, ‘that’ Jeff Probst):
As a long-time Survivor and Jeff Probst fan, I feel this letter to you is overdue. You have given me countless hours of entertainment and I haven’t given you so much as a word of gratitude. Shameful of me, I know.
Well, Jeff, you rock my socks for many reasons. Second only to Jon Stewart, you are tops. Somehow on TV we don’t end up seeing many people who are both intelligent and physically attractive*, but you and J-Stew manage to be both of those things. Kudos to you Jeff, you’re in good company.
The reason you are awesome goes beyond your smarts and cutes. You have dedicated years of your life to the game of Survivor, years during which you performed one of the most grueling tasks I can imagine: not killing any of the idiot contestants you are forced to interact with. This is a herculean feat, in my opinion, because the idiocy which abounds on your show is astonishing.
No? You don’t agree? C’mon Probst, you agree. I can see it in your eyes at tribal council, I can hear it in the tone you use during challenge play-by-plays when you let a bumbling, puzzled player know they are “way out of it.” But you’re so cool, Jeff, so calm and collected, that even the dumbest, most self-involved, most reviled players still love you. They have no idea you’re mocking them. That, Jeff Probst, is the extent of your power.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got some questions for you. How do you not laugh all the time? Right in contestant’s faces? How do you not sometimes slip up and punch someone in the business out of sheer annoyance? Have you built up an immunity to the knuckleheaded tomfoolery Survivor seems to embrace?
The current season, Fans vs. Favorites, is only a couple episodes old and yet the stupidity already overfloweth. The most obvious example is the alliance of four “popular kids” on the Fans team.
These tactical masterminds immediately bonded, then spent every minute together to the exclusion of the rest of their tribe. Here’s why that’s idiotic, (as if I need to tell you, Mr. Survivor):
1. Four people are not enough to have the numbers in a vote that involves ten people. Wow, you’re fans of Survivor and you haven’t figured this one out? You completed grade 6 math and you haven’t figured this one out?
2. Forming an alliance based on hormones and then macking in the communal shelter on the first night is a kamikaze move. People will be annoyed, then they will kick your ass out. Somehow Malcolm survived this blunder, but you aren’t Malcolm so don’t be silly.
3. The fact that another player on your team is annoying is not a good enough argument to get him voted out. There are six people with whom you don’t have an alliance…can you do the math? Oops, my bad, we’ve already established that you can’t. Well here’s the gist of it: that annoying guy is on their side and he ain’t going anywhere.
Jeff, I think we can agree that we’ve seen much more idiotic play in past seasons, but I am still baffled by the basic lack of common sense and strategic thinking these players exhibit. I will continue to watch, because stupid is funny and you are awesome. Please keep up the awesome, otherwise I will be shamed into pretending I don’t watch Survivor. I prefer to only hide two reality TV addictions at a time, and right now I’ve got some Housewives and Jersey Shore meatheads occupying those slots.
Much love and a little lust,
The Foodie Farmer
*for proof, please watch any season of Survivor ever. A few notable exceptions are Parvati, Boston Rob, and Brenda, all smart and hot.
Fantastic, right? Want more? Of course you do! Check out these: