How do you see me?

I hurt a friend the other day.  It was unintentional.  It was surprising.  It was a lot of things that all reflect the edginess of the world right now.  We are all on the attack.  We are all looking for the offense in everything rather than the good.  We are all lashing out.

Even here and now.  I’m taking the offensive and making broad accusations against everyone though there is no way my generalizations can be true.  There is too much beauty and love out there for everyone to be caught within this ugliness.

So, why then do we do it?  Because it’s easy?  Because it is dramatic?  Because it will be controversial and that will bump up our stats?

None of those are good enough reasons to continue to spread filth.

So, perhaps I should start over?

I hurt a friend the other day.  It was unintentional.  It was surprising.  It was a lot of things and it made both of us pause, consider our words, apologize and move on…  It was awkward.  It was nerve-wracking.  But, in the end, I believe we both came through having grown from it.

There’s a lesson there, for those who are willing to look and learn.

It isn’t my place to force you to, though.

In any case, I wouldn’t want to even if it was my place.  That isn’t my style.  That isn’t my purpose…

However, the reflection and discovery that came from this experience has left me with an important question for all of you, my faithful kingdomites:  How do you see me?

I know I don’t often post non-fiction, I didn’t use to anyway, so it might seem like an odd question.  I have posted some things here and there over the last almost four years in the Kingdom that provide glimpses of me.  They haven’t all been the shiny parts, the best of me.  I am always truthful in my portrayal of myself, even as I strive towards what I see as ideal.  So, I know there has been enough out there for a fairly accurate visage of who I am.

However, I’ve come to realize that just because I see myself a certain way, that doesn’t mean everyone will see the same thing…

Indulge me, if you will, in the comments and tell me how you see me: as a person, as a father, as a writer, as…  What are the words that come to mind when you think of me?  What kind of person do you think I am?  Do you see somebody different behind the posts than the one I’m trying to show?

IMG_20160403_1537433_rewind
Just a random selfie from earlier this year in my beloved mountains.

 

I wanted to write…

I opened a blank page today, determined to write
But the words in my head were at odds with those in my heart
And all my attempts to avoid the brewing fight
Were sabotaged by one or the other before I could even start

On one side: common ground, peace, respect
On the other: anger, blame, selfishness
Without the former our world will be wrecked
But we are too proud to be selfless

I have no magic wand to wave and chant at will
And it isn’t my job to force this world to be better anyway
I have no solution to that which holds us still
But we owe more to each other than the promises we say

My heart sings of optimism, hope, beauty
My head bemoans their absence
Sadly, I know I can trust neither completely
They both are fueled by passion

I opened a blank page today, I just wanted to write
However, I felt no spark to hide truths behind fiction or vice versa
So often turmoil can galvanize thoughts to fight
But all I feel is its grasp, its drain, and its grindingly heavy inertia

Hi there. I wanted to let you all know that Ra has a new book out titled “Sack Nasty” (most of you probably already know:-) ). Hopefully the address I have works. I’m not able to reblog, a link I tried to embed looked weird, and my carrier pigeon has the day off due to the holiday. The address is http://rarasaur.com/2016/07/04/sacknasty.

#sacknasty is a book of poems that chronicles Ra’s time in prison. I haven’t read it yet, but from her poems that I have read, it is sure to be amazing.

If you are able, please head over. Thank you.

An Anti Ode To My Dead Phone

This is a first world problem that is ranted tongue in cheek.
I don’t have a computer, landline or easy contact with family and that includes you.

L-G
L-G
What the helL-G?
Life’s not good
in spite of what you tell me.

Your words of pink and white
staring back at me
taunting from the screen.

My words so impolite
swearing back at thee
language most obscene.

L-G
L-G
What the fn helL-G?
Life’s not good
in spite of what you tell me.

/rant

Daddy

I remember the day I experienced you, in person, for the very last time. Sadly, the only word I can use to describe it is perfunctory. People who know us tell me you felt much deeper. I want to believe, because I felt much deeper, too.

I saw you for the last time. I came back from the control freak’s place and you and I did our “see you next time” dance. I was still worried from the night before. You didn’t look well and you bit my head off when I questioned you about it. See you next time never happened. Perfunctory.

I heard you for the last time. “Drive safely,” you said. “Will do,” I responded. Perfunctory.

I tasted you for the last time. We shared a peck. I had peppermint gum breath. You had Pall Mall breath. Perfunctory.

I touched you for the last time. We did the briefest of hugs. We were never touchy. Perfunctory.

I smelled you for the last time. You smelled like soap mixed with Pall Mall. You smelled like dad. Perfunctory.

If I could have seen four days into the future, I would have turned into the 5-year-old version of me. I would have clung to you for dear life and you would have had to pry yourself out of my vice grip of a hug.

If I ever see you again, we will never do perfunctory.

I miss you with all of my being. I love you with all of my heart, daddy. I always will.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you daddies out there.

Jaded.